I have this thought in my head for quite some time now, so long I almost forgot when I started thinking about it or when it slowly creep in my mind. The thought was sitting in the corner of my head for an ample amount of time that I barely recognized it...it was just there that it had been there since the beginning.
"Humans...most probably are just like stars.." I once found myself thinking. It almost sounds like a cliche I would read all night, some kind of shit I'm very engrossed with but when the words came out my mouth when I tried saying it, asking a person about what they actually think about it, I felt a sudden pang in my chest, those that felt like a pinch on the flesh. You know, when you don't know what to feel when you're confused about something you thought all along you have a grasp on...that kind of pain.
I don't know how to answer my own question as it just floated in front of me since then, above my head during the night like a sore thumb waiting to be noticed. I did every single time.
Since I was getting no information from almost anyone I asked, I did small research myself.
Did you know that the lifespan of a star mainly depends on its size which means massive stars burn their fuel so much faster than smaller stars. Ironic isn't it? But in the back of my mind, the pieces started falling into place. Finally, something I can associate with human beings.
Humans as we are, we tend to feel almost everything and to be honest, I doubt this applies to everyone but one thing is for sure, at least it's true for me, the more I feel...the more I wither, the more I burn.
It depends obviously on what emotions are taking so much space is my chest. There are days I just want to stop breathing, cry then just disappear because everything is crushing in. All the negativity in life seems caught up with my senses, like tiny specs of dust clinging on my skin whenever I got out, irritating and frustrating at the same time but people around me will never notice because sometimes there are things not visible by sight but definitely echoing loudly through feelings, emotions that tend to be too much.
I like to associate myself with things. Just like how I always think that I'm a sunflower in my past life because I'm in love with the sun, I always wanted to bathe under it. You'll often time see me chasing after it, I'm that crazy about it.
There will be rare moments when I see myself as the moon. The few times I actually associated myself with the celestial being I adore so much. Alone yet shining, just wanting to be noticed.
This time around though, these past few days, I wanted to become a star. The brightest, just like a Regulus. Hailed as the one bearing the shiniest light among the ocean of stars above the sky. I want to be slightly different, a little bit ahead...a little bit better.
I want to stand in the center, stay in the spotlight and shower under the light-emitting from my own. I want to figure things out just like who others seem to know exactly what they needed to do.
I long to be better, I aim to grow. I wanted to feel all the emotions, raw and unbothered. I want to be sensitive, to be vigilant at the sudden change of feeling of those around me, of my own and yet as I tried to think about all whatnots, I realized that before I can be even close to the person I had put forth in front of me, I'll run out of steam because stars, just like people will slowly wither together with the emotions they grow.
Especially someone like me. A beacon of feelings and emotions, carrying sentiments from the past, finding it so hard to let go. Someone like me would definitely "die" fast. Just like how stars stop to exist as if they weren't there in the first place. Just like it should always been like this.