an unlikely encounter

An Unlikely Encounter

“Where to?” the bus conductor asks me.

“Cubao,” I answer. I reach out my fare, take the ticket, and keep it in my pocket.

I don’t typically ride the bus, but my shift changed and the train, apparently, isn’t available during midnight. Although, I don’t mind; I enjoy the cold air, the limited number of passengers, and the amazing view of the city lights of Makati, it has been my little moment of quiet after a day of calls at work.

Upon reaching a seat at the back of the bus, I reach for the headphones in my bag, like a routine now. After almost five minutes of fumbling for them I decide to kick myself for forgetting them at work. Great. Palm to the face, I hear a little snort next to me. A girl, in a nurse scrub uniform, wearing headphones, is holding back laughter and stealing glances my way.

“Enjoying my misery, there?” I ask with a laugh myself. I felt stupid, but not angry.

She took off her right ear piece, “I’m sorry, you just looked like me last night, like your whole world crashed, did you lose the cure to cancer there?” she chuckled. I smiled.

“Well, actually, I seem to have lost the blueprints to stop global warming.” She looked challenged.

“Did you? Well I can tell you the answer to that: ice. Get lots of ice and just smother the earth with it, that’ll solve the warming.”

“You had me at the first half, not gonna lie, but that is a horrible comeback,” I shake my head feigning disappointment.

“Whatever,” she rolls her slightly red eyes, defeated, “what were you really looking for?” she asks. She looks like she hadn’t slept or laughed in days. Was she tired from getting the night shift as well? Or was she crying next to me this entire time? Should I have offered her a tissue? I decide to play it cool and just ignore it.

“Just my headphones, it’s not really a midnight bus ride without music, feel me?” I say.

“Oh you’re one of those people.” she squints; her judging eyes scan me from head to toe.

“What people?”

“The people that like to get all emo and pretend they’re in a music video or something whenever they’re in a car. Such a cliché. I gotta say, I didn’t expect that from you.” I pretend to be offended, right hand to my heart – because she’s right, but why should she know that?

“What do you mean you didn’t expect that from me? Stereotype much? Just because I look like a dumb gym rat that only eats raw eggs and protein shakes doesn’t mean that’s all I do… I have feelings too!” I say, trying to be funny, flexing my actually skinny arms. It works and she laughs. It makes me smile again.

“So you’re a gym rat and a sappy emo guy? Let me guess, you cried watching titanic?”

“Jack should’ve lived!”

“God, you sound like Mrs. Alvarez last night! You’re a 70-year-old-woman!” we exchange ridiculous stories for over an hour. I was thoroughly enjoying her company. I should’ve worn my good shirt.

***

“Let me look at your playlist then, if you think my OPM ones are so sappy!” I exclaim. Looking confident, she types in her password and I couldn’t help but snicker: 8888 – such a hard one. She sees me peeking and glares at me but continues to show me her playlist, I grab her phone and accidentally touch her fingers which are cold from the air conditioner, she smiled and I hate to admit it, it was a butterfly moment.

Everything was either My Chemical Romance, Greenday, Paramore, and other similar bands.

“Oh, come on! Those are also sappy ones, just with louder music!” I say.

She snorts, “No they’re not! You sound like… like Julio,” she sighs. It confuses me, and I say;

“Hey, my name’s actually Julio,” after saying this, I expected her to be delighted with the coincidence but instead her whole face drops, her smile went away.

“Your name’s seriously Julio?” I nod.

“I actually go by either Jules or Leo but,” I stop because she suddenly looks lost, her eyes start to dart everywhere and then out of nowhere, she says “I need to get off,” she seems panicked.

“What?” now I’m lost. Did she have a problem with another guy named Julio? Did he hurt her? I’m starting to worry. She fumbles for her things and stands abruptly.

“Stop the bus, please!” she shouts. The driver skids to a stop and she practically ran to the door, and as soon as they open she hops off and runs away. I notice her wiping at her eyes, leaving me confused and a little scared. What just happened?

“Hey --,” standing to catch up to her, I stop and realize I didn’t even get her name, I couldn’t shout for her. I also didn’t want to follow her and seem like a creep because we barely knew each other, but my heart sunk at the thought that this was probably the end of our unlikely meeting.

The bus doors close and I begrudgingly sit back down, genuine confusion, frustration, and pain coursing through me. I look at her from my seat, still running, while the bus moves away. She stops and turns to look at me, mouthing, “I’m sorry,” with tears in her eyes. More confusion.

Suddenly, something vibrates beside me. It’s her phone, a notification popped up. It’s 12AM, it’s a reminder that says:

Anniversary.

What kind and who with, it didn’t say. I’m guessing it has something to do with that Julio guy. I sigh, I have no idea what to do with this phone now. I’m not sure she even wants me to return this.

After another half hour of staring into nothing, the conductor yells my stop and I go home to my empty apartment, relating to it so much after what happened.

***

I spent all night deciding what to do with the phone. I stared at it all night, no more notifications came. Now, I stare at it some more while I think about last night. I should probably return it. I open the phone.

Her lock screen says 8:14 AM. Her wallpaper is just black and gray paint strokes, which looks awesome. I type in her password while I eat cereal. I go to her contacts and to my surprise, it only has 3 numbers saved. Julio, Hospital, and McDonald’s. Why are these her only contacts? Her name appears above the list as well; Allie. Her name’s Allie. Why does that make my heart race?

I decide to call Julio. It rings for a long time but there’s no answer. This is frustrating. I could call the hospital but I don’t even know her full name.

So I decide to navigate through her phone some more, even though it looks like a new one, there’s not much apps, no social medias, not even games. I click on photos, there are about 50, mostly her with patients and her at a coffee shop near the hospital where she seems to read a lot of Anne Rice. There’s one of just her at the beach in a white dress and a pink gumamela flower in her hair, the sun made her eyes look almost yellow, her hair looked almost as red as her cheeks. It makes my stomach flip, maybe I am a sappy emo guy like she said.

Her reminders are mostly for work and buying groceries. There’s nothing in her calendar besides the anniversary one. Her voice memos are empty. But when I open her notes, there’s only one thing there: a list.

Things to do before I go. Before she goes? Go where? Where are you going, Allie?

Things to do before I go:
• Finish The Queen of the Damned by Anne Rice
• Open up Annie’s savings account
• Finally get Starbucks Marco a date
• Tell Mrs. Alvarez the truth about Christmas Eve 2016
• Death Pool; say goodbye

My heart stopped.

Could this be a list before she… no.

“No,” I say out loud and drop my spoon, she wouldn’t. Would she? What even is a death pool? It sounds so morbid. My mind refused to see it but this clearly looked like a list of someone saying goodbye… permanently. I can’t even say it. I can’t. I put down the phone and stare at my half-eaten cereal for a good amount of time. What am I going to do?

***

I can’t leave this alone. I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I did. I’m never going to stop thinking about it. I just need to talk to her. I have to talk to her. Even if it means interfering with her… I shiver at the thought… “choice”.

I’m not going to let her do it, if it is or isn’t what she’s planning to do. I muster up the courage I didn’t know I had, and take a deep breath. “I’m doing this,” I tell myself. I call my supervisor and tell her I’m sick. I bring my car because I don’t know if I’ll be able to sit still waiting to arrive at the coffee shop – my first destination. I knew the location from her photos.

Restless, I drive through the traffic listening to my sappy OPM songs. It made me feel more anxious so I decide to choose a song I found from Allie’s playlist. Greenday’s Boulevard of Broken Dreams. It starts off with subtle instruments and lyrics but then breaks into a crashing chorus and it makes me feel exhilarated. I actually loved it. I shook my head; this girl just keeps on surprising me.

I arrive at Starbucks and reach the counter. I order a coffee, and nervously ask, “Hey, does a Marco work here?” She didn’t even respond to me and yelled, “Hey Marco, someone’s here for you!” I heard someone yell “be right there!” and the cashier told me to wait and take a seat. So I do.

I find a table near the counter so he’d find me quickly. He arrives with my drink in his hand, “Grande black coffee for Leo?” he says with a smile. Marco is not who I was expecting, he was a bit old – mid-sixties. He wore glasses and had graying hair but he looks very strong and energetic.

I smile back as I take the coffee, “Yeah, hey, I’m Leo. Marco, right?” he nods and asks why I was looking for him. I offer him to take a seat and he does while thanking me.

“This might be weird, but do you happen to know Allie?”

“Who’s asking?” he says curiously.

“I’m a sort of friend of hers, we met last night and she left her phone with me,” before I could say anything, he lifts his hand to stop me.

“Do you like Allie?” he asks directly. I’m quite taken aback and all I could say was, “Uhm.” But he waved me off and chuckled.

“Of course I know Allie, she comes here every day at 9AM, orders an iced coffee venti and a cinnamon bun, without fail. Why do you ask?” I look at my watch, its 10AM. Damn, I missed her.

“Did she come here today?”

“Well, of course, although she didn’t order. She just gave me the number of some guy she works for, tells me to “get out there!” and call him,” he laughs at this, “that girl is real nice, but she is a terrible matchmaker, that guy didn’t even know Lady Gaga!” this time I laugh with him. I can see why she’d take care of him.

“That’s unfortunate. I’d be happy to find you another date sometime. But do you happen to know which hospital she works at?” I ask. He nods.

“St. Luke’s near here. I’m not sure she’s in today, she wasn’t in her uniform.”

“That’s fine, I’ll just ask around. Thank you, Marco, I’ll have to go find her now.”

He smiles at me again, “Good luck, Julio. And I’m looking forward to that date.”

I nod and politely leave. I sit in my car for a long time thinking of my next move. I missed her at the coffee shop. I could go to the hospital but I couldn’t just ask for Allie there, it’s a huge hospital. I look at the list again before I go crazy.

• Tell Mrs. Alvarez the truth about Christmas Eve 2016

She hasn’t crossed this off as well. And if she were doing this in order today, the next would be telling a Mrs. Alvarez the truth about Christmas Eve. After that it would be, I gulped, death pool.

If my guess if right, Mrs. Alvarez could be a patient of hers. So I look through her photos again and see if there are any 70-year-old patients there, and there are. All 15 of them are. I sigh in frustration.

I gather my patience and look through each one of the photos, the recent ones help me narrow it down to 8 women. Looking closely and zooming in at each one, I go back and forth and finally I see it, a clue. There’s a picture of her with a short-haired woman and in the background on the television, Titanic was playing. And on the television set was a sticker that read Cardiology 1228. “Bingo!” I say to myself.

***

At the front desk of the hospital, I ask if I can see a Mrs. Alvarez in cardiology. Internally kicking myself for being crazy enough to visit an old lady that I don’t know just to find a girl who once again, I don’t know.

“Relation to the patient?” she asks robotically.

“I’m, uh, her nephew,” I say, shaking, “I already know she’s in room 1228,” just to be sure.

She seems unbothered. “Sign your name on the visitor’s list, the elevator’s to your right.”

I quickly write Leo Alvarez, and get out of there, proud of myself for pulling that off because it’s not something I would normally do. It’s like sneaking into an R-Rated movie back in high school. Granted, I am shaking and sweating as I reach room 1228, but I’m already here so… I knock.

“Come in,” says a small voice from inside. I open the door halfway through, regretting that I’m here. “Who are you? You’re not my nurse.” She’s sitting on her bed, a movie playing silently on the television, it was The Notebook.

I chuckle nervously as I walk inside. “Hi, my name’s Julio,”

“Julio?” she asks.

“Yeah, I’m a friend of Allie’s.” she seems surprised by this. I quickly interrupt her thoughts because she might think I’m that other Julio.

“I just met her last night, you can call me Leo,” I’m rambling as I fumble for words to ask her my questions. “I’m sorry for barging in like this, but Allie left her phone on the bus last night and I wanted to give it back to her, do you happen to know where she is? Did she come to work today?”

She seemed suspicious, as she should, but also intrigued. “Why do you think you’d find her with me?”

“Oh, well she told me about you last night and I looked through her phone,” she cut me off by asking, “Did she tell you about Christmas Eve 2016?”

“No, ma’am.” She looked me up and down before deciding to let me sit.

“So, young man, tell me why you’re looking for Allie.” I think. What can I say to her without upsetting her heart?

“Well, as I’ve said, we met last night and she left her phone with me,” I say simply.

“You wouldn’t be here just to return a phone, dear.”

I decide to be honest with her. “We were having a great conversation, and I actually thought we were having a moment,” I sigh, tired, “but then I told her my name and I guess I have the same name as someone she knows and it freaked her out. She got off the bus crying that she left her phone and that’s when the mystery started. I just wanted to find her because I’m worried something’s wrong,” I finish.

She smiles sweetly. “Oh you poor thing, Allie’s fine. She came by earlier today. She told me she was leaving so I wouldn’t wait for her anymore,” my heart stops again, “she’s been my nurse for quite some time you see.”

“Did she say where she was going?”

“No dear, but she looked dreadful. Like she hasn’t slept at all. I worry about her as well, you know,” she says sadly.

“I’m sorry to ask Mrs. Alvarez, but can you tell me about Julio? Allie’s Julio?” I pick at the ripped fabric of my jeans. She hesitated, but decided to tell me.

“Julio was a kind man,” was, she used the past tense. I shiver. “He saved Allie, you see. Helped her get back on her feet.” I listen intently, “she used to be in all sorts of trouble, that girl.”

“They were good together, and happy. Until…” she sighs, “remember I asked you if she told you about Christmas Eve of 2016?” I nod. “Well that day, Allie found out Julio had cancer. She mishandled some of my medicine and I almost had a stroke. She felt guilty and felt she had to tell me, but I told her it was fine. I care for her, you know?” I keep looking at her, listening to her words, trying to focus.

“Exactly two years later today, we were celebrating Julio’s 30th birthday here,” I’m shaking by now. August 8, 1988. 8-8-88. Her password was Julio’s birthday. Today’s August 8, but the reminder said anniversary…

“He died that day. Poor man,” she says, wiping a tear with the back of her hand. “And Allie, oh, Allie was a mess.” I feel weak. I might’ve just pushed her. I might be the reason she’s God knows where right now.

“I have to find her,” I stand. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Alvarez, I have to find her.”

***

I sit in my car in the hospital parking lot. Scared, weak, and feeling extremely guilty. Is this happening because the love of her life’s namesake showed up at the most unexpected time and it finally pushed her? Am I to be blamed here? She talked to me first. She seemed happy, laughing, even. Were her eyes red because she actually was crying and I didn’t notice?

How can people be so self-involved that they don’t see other people suffering? Or even refuse to see suffering even when it’s right in front of them, just to save themselves from the burden? Am I really that kind of person?

I don’t even dare wipe the tears that come. I deserve to feel every bit of guilt writhing through me. I pull out her phone again, stare at the list.

• Death Pool; say goodbye

What the fuck is a death pool?

After crying my eyes out, I gather strength to look at her photo again. The one at the beach. She seems so happy. I zoom in on her eyes just to see if her smile is real because I feel like everything else isn’t. I touch the screen with my moist fingers and the photo gets zoomed in on random places, stupid tears. I wipe the phone with my shirt and when I look at the photo again, my heart jumps. Right there, a bit behind her on the sand, is a wooden sign that says: This way to Death Pool.

I immediately pull up google and search for death pool, and there it is. Multiple articles about a beach in Pangasinan near the Death Pool. It’s a place! It’s a natural pool built by big boulders right next to the beach. It’s a huge hole in the middle of a stone floor and water gushes in and out of it. I can see why it’s called the Death Pool. If this is where she’s going, then I need to go as well. I check my watch, it’s 12:02PM. I start the engine and go as fast as I can. I will make it.

***

It’s a four or five-hour drive to Pangasinan and I’ve been listening to her playlist and it makes my heart ache. I also dropped by McDonald’s for some food, just to feel like she’s still here, because she is.

It’s 4PM when I arrive in Pangasinan and I can already smell the ocean lingering. This comforted me yet frightened me in many ways.

It takes time to find the Death Pool. It’s 4:43PM by the time I do. The locals pointed me to the direction of the pool and when I finally find it my heart starts jumping out of my chest. Upon seeing the pool, I am in awe. It’s truly marvelous, this natural pool. If only I had the luxury to admire its beauty.

There are only a few people here, because it’s the rainy season and the cool crisp air bites at your skin. The sky is a muted blue and gray, clouds forming what seems to be rain clouds.

I go down next to the pool and describe Allie to the people I see and ask if they’ve seen her. No one has. It’s 5PM and there’s still no sign of her. I start to lose hope. I sit down on the stone floor next to the pool, it’s slippery because of the ocean water and algae. I almost cut myself on the rocks but it doesn’t really matter because I feel such a heavy feeling in my chest that it blocks any other feeling.

The sun starts to go down. I stare hard at the crooked circle that makes the pool. Where are you, Allie? Was I too late? I start to shake – from the cold or from the memories of Allie laughing and then crying last night to Mrs. Alvarez’s stories about her and Julio – I don’t know.

“Julio?”

I jump up and fall down again. My heart starts racing as my eyes look for the voice that called me.

“Allie?” I squint from my fallen state and see her red hair and brown eyes, she has a pink gumamela flower in her hair. My heart swells.

“What are you doing here? And how did you know my name?” she seems genuinely confused and I almost forget that we’ve only met last night and talked for more than an hour. After today’s adventure, I feel like I’ve known her longer.

I stand up and hug her. She pats me on the back hesitantly and says, “this is getting weird.”

I hug her tighter and release her. “I thought I was too late. But you’re here! You have no idea what I did today to find you here and you’re actually here!”

She furrows her eyebrows and asks, “What do you mean by too late?”

I panic. “Well, I saw your list, and I found out about Julio through Mrs. Alvarez and I’m sorry if meeting me made you feel like you had to say goodbye. I feel so guilty. Please, don’t say goodbye.” I’m a blubbering mess. I tried to explain to her the events of today and she’s quiet. “I’m sorry, Allie.”

She takes a deep breath. “Okay, Julio,” she starts.

“You can call me Leo, if that makes it better,” she shakes her head exasperated with a hint of a smile. Is that a smile?

“Look, Leo, I’m sorry you went through all that trouble. I don’t know why you did. And you don’t have to feel guilty, I wrote that list before I even met you. And it doesn’t mean what you think it means.”

“Huh?”

She smiles sadly. “I’m here to say goodbye to Julio.” She bends down to open a suitcase I didn’t even notice she had, and brings out an urn.

“As you apparently know, it’s been two years since Julio…died. I came here to say goodbye to him, finally.”

I. Am. Stupid. I feel so stupid right now. I feel my face start to heat up. She sees my face turn red and she couldn’t help but giggle.

“You actually thought I was going to kill myself?” she chuckled, “I mean, I get it, but dude. That’s some major hypothesis you made.” She’s actually laughing now. I couldn’t help but laugh at myself as well. What a way to introduce myself. A stupid guy making the craziest assumptions based on a list.

“I mean, you’re here! At the Death Pool!” she continues to mock me, trying to hold in her laughter.

“Yeah, well next time don’t leave such damning clues that make people think you were about to… you know!”

“It was a new phone, idiot!”

“Well how was I supposed to know that? You left a crying mess, you had me and the other bus passengers worried!”

“Okay, I’m sorry about that but you still had no right to go through my phone!”

I give up, “I’m sorry, but don’t you have to say goodbye or something?!”

She suddenly turned quiet. “You’re right.” She started walking towards the death pool with the urn in her arms. There are no more tourists, the sun’s about to go down. She turns to me, “Do you mind?”

“Oh. Sure,” I step away from her to give her some privacy.

She took about 15 minutes of silence before she poured Julio’s ashes into the pool as the waves were just about to get sucked out, when the waves came back she took the gumamela flower from her hair and tossed it in the ocean. I was far away, but I swear could hear her whisper “I love you,” and stifle a sob. After, she walked towards me with her eyes still watery.

“So,” she says, “can I carpool back?”

***

Allie and I are sitting around a bonfire we did. We rented out two rooms near the beach and were roasting some hotdogs we bought at the nearby store. It was a cold night and we took blankets from our rooms to wrap around us. The stars here look so much brighter than the city lights.

“You okay?” I asked her after minutes of silence.

“Yeah, actually,” she says with a small smile.

“We don’t have to talk about,”

“No,” she stops me, “It’s okay. Ask.”

“Okay then, why’d you say goodbye to him today?”

She looks me in the eyes, “Because I had to,” before I could ask why, she answered, “because I couldn’t feel guilty about being happy anymore. Feeling happy without him felt so wrong. And I’ve wanted to be happy for years. I just couldn’t because,”

“You have survivor’s guilt?”

“Had,” she emphasizes, “I had survivor’s guilt. I always asked him for signs, you know. I was that kind of person,” she chuckled, “I asked him to tell me if it’s okay to move on, to feel normal, and to sometimes forget,” her voice breaks, “because remembering just hurts so much,” she says weakly.

I hold her hand, not because I want to make a move on her, but because she’s a person who needs comfort, and this is all I can give her. I am still a stranger and she’s choosing to tell me her story. I should feel honored.

She holds it back and I let her cry. After she composes herself, she says, “That’s why when I met you I felt like it was a sign from him, God, I’m such a cliché.”

“But you ran away?”

“Because, dummy, I didn’t get it at first. All I remember was you, saying your name was also Julio, and it freaked me out.”

“So, you’re also a dummy?” I tease.

“Yeah, I guess I am,” she laughs.

“But you’re okay?”

“I’m okay.”

We both smile.