Are You The Type That Risks It?

"No, you shouldn't. You should never," she once babbled, nervously and obviously confused as I confessed my love for her on one early morning coffee.

Bewildered, I asked, "What do you mean no? Is it something I did the past days, weeks? What? Tell me." I spoke faster than I usually do as I felt a stupid river of tears beginning to fill my eyes and taste bile rising up my throat. "Please say something. Do you hate me?"

"No, it's not that. I just - I can't do this, okay? And you should not, too. This love thing, we shouldn't think about about it. Never. Let's not destroy our friendship," she said staring way too deep into my eyes that had me figured out it wasn't any stupid prank or joke that she usually pulls off. Today, she's speaking real.

"I don't understand. This is too much," tears finally rolled down my cheeks, one after another.

"You have to. You see, only those you love can hurt you and in my entire life, that's the last thing I want to do." She's crying now and I know turning me down hurts her too. And then it suddenly hit me like that- she's right. We might just bring pain to each other in the long run if we're going to be stupid enough to follow our hearts. So after a few sleepless nights and a few cans of beer, I gave up fighting for us.

And right now, staring at her as she have her eyes peacefully closed in a coffin had me thinking that she is still the most beautiful lady I have ever laid my eyes upon. Even after 30 years, she had my heart in her hand but I have been awfully coward to get hurt, not realizing earlier that I could take a billion ways of hurting for her. I don't know if it is even relevant or not but I have to say it,

"I love you, since until today and more in the coming years. I have no idea why but I still do. I love everything you do and everything you are. I love those things you hate about yourself, even that misspelled tattoo under your left ear. Maybe I'll just see you on the other side, in another time. And at that moment, I promise I will be brave enough for us."