[NOTE: the below passage is pretty nsfw content and is explicit in many ways. Do not read it if you have morality and wondering-why-the-young-generation-is-so-crass issues]
Chapter 1: Hormones
It’s weird sometimes how aroused I am when I see a couple kissing in a movie. It’s as though someone is doing it with me. I start imagining stuff with my celebrity crushes everytime this happens. It’s a gush of hormones that make so bloody aroused with desire that I actually lament the lack of a boyfriend at that particular time. It’s funny that this should be my thought at that particular moment because after these feelings have subsided, I feel sick about myself. The first thought is that of impurity. The second is that if anyone was to find out about this, I might become the loneliest person alive because people judge. Not just your looks but also your mentality and tastes and I don’t want to be someone categorized in the bad tastes. It is also something that makes me ponder at times because by societal knowledge and even the movies, guys jerking and masturbating themselves is normal, something a part of their growing years but woman doing the same is not a very accepted notion. Maybe that’s what people mean when they say “women are suppressed souls”. I am not jumping into a feminist debate here but it’s just a point. An observation made purely out of curiosity about carnal pursuits. For a very long time that if I masturbated or put my legs on top of the other and pushed myself (I think it’s a woman’s way to jerk), I thought I would become pregnant. Also because my periods were irregular, this added fuel to my imagination. It was not until I turned fifteen and understood the process of reproduction that my fears were found baseless. I started getting these “desires” at around thirteen. Sydney Sheldon and Meg Cabot were major contributers to my love making imaginations. I took time to understand what they meant though. I read four books of Sydney Sheldon at the age of nine and I could never get my head around why a women on top of man or man on top of the woman were panting? Also, why exactly were they on top of each other? Wasn’t kissing supposed to make babies? Or men and woman just locked inside a room and sleeping normally supposed to make babies? Men and women did lock up inside a room and sleep but it was a different type of sleeping. I would understand this clearly when I turn fifteen. Till then, I remained blissfully ignorant. To me the world till the age of eight was an innocent place. After ten, I was completely corrupt or should I say I started down the path of discovering what exactly the whole humanity did to multiply it’s number and how did they do it. It was a funny mix of whacko realizations and understanding but now at twenty I know what it is and what exactly happens though every now and then someone tells me something new that I didn’t know before. For example, I never knew that when people make out form the “backdoor” the woman’s hymen isn’t broken. She is still a virgin. It was weird to know that and creepier to imagine. Conversations like this with my friends always had loads of giggles intervening them. Sex education is a very talked about topic wherein multiple videos have been created to explain the reason behind India’s ever growing population. But tell me something, will you be okay talking about sex to a random guy or girl? Even if we are able to sensitize them and make them understand that it’s no big deal, we can’t expect all of them to behave maturely. Not all five fingers are of the same length. Similarly not every man and woman will be comfortable with this kind of talk. Everyone’s twenty is different. It is time when you finally leave your adolescence and puberty behind and say goodbye to your teenage. It’s the time you start to realize things about yourself. It’s the very first time when you learn something about yourself or the people around and you think that you have your ideas and ideologies sorted and yet at the same time realize your follies and your flaws. It’s this age of twenty which feels like tumbling down a pit which is endless and yet it ends at your death. You know you are at a place where every life decision that you make now are the ones that will affect for the rest of your lives. It’s the age of hormones, of haywire hormones more like, of “sight-seeing” and having intense crushes, of cranky and moody days and sunny and sultry nights, of the highs and the lows and hay’s and the hoes. It’s twenty, the time of your life that will never come back and the time of your life where the grasslands seem never-ending.
P.S. I also realized that I would never ever do blow-jobs because it’s puke-worthy and when I saw it’s videos it made me gag.