Long after when the sun leaves no traces of his existence in the sky, when space is conquered by the moon and the dazzling stars, the night starts.
Have you ever wondered why the nights are so lonely, but the day passes so easily? Ever thought that the longings and the emptiness just wake up suddenly when the world rest in sleep?
Yes, there are moments when we found our self lost in the crowd, laughing with no emotion and talking like a dumb. It’s not the night dragging you out of the world, it’s the silence hidden inside that rises all of the sudden, sometimes tearing the bright dawn and time peeping through the moonlight.
Just after dinner and a walk with my friend, I went back to my bed, all happy and relaxed. The cold winter night and the warm cosy bed, who doesn’t like that right! Scrolling me Insta feed, Facebook, some gossip session on WhatsApp the night as usual like the days.
Calling it weird might define it well, but it was more than weird. All of the sudden, I could feel my heartbeats pounding faster than ever. So loud to kill the silence of the night and pierce my ear. I felt like being possessed under my own spirit, trying to overcome me, drag me away from the world where I belong. It was not just weird but scary, scary enough to remind me of the times I had broken down, I had questioned my existence and I had felt the deepest of pain.
All I wanted was to pull my heart out and not to feel anything. I was wishing to be a heartless woman who is mean and impassive to not care even for a second. But that was the time when the entire universe was pouring all the pain over me.
I took a pillow and pressed it against my heart, hide under my blanket and struggled hard to breathe. I was so detached that I didn’t even bother to call up someone to distract, so cruel to dig and pinch my nails on my chest to overcome the soreness that has no existence. I was struggling to be myself, to live, and smile the way I was doing an hour before.
So what you call it, depression, panic attack or anxiety? Whatever it is, it’s the same. It kills, it makes you hate everyone, hates yourself and makes everything unbearable.
Just within a fraction of second, you are something else. For the world, it’s the dark phase, but the one who struggles knows it’s darker than the dark. It is the time when the dark is really dark and the emotions are exhilarated to an extreme of the extreme.
It’s a fight not with the world, but with your own self. You must talk, you must seek help but remember there will be the time when you are alone and it will be with you like the lover who hugs you under your sheet kisses you when the lights are dim and hold you back when you are in the crowd.
But you will be back by the morning, in the light when you can force yourself to laugh and fell the illumination of the universe. You might be dying from inside but just let someone hold you tight to escape from your own grip. Just live with a hope to be yourself any moment.