I hate where I am.
Stuck in my own muck. Damn!
Shadows hovering over my head.
Past keeps creeping up, and future looks so dead.
I cannot tell where I am headed.
One side is the valley and other looks like the well I always dreaded.
There is no denying I put myself in a mix.
In a spot that I just can’t seem to fix.
I don’t know if I am thinking for myself or thinking for the other.
Every decision I make, my soul seems to shudder.
This one night is a long one.
Hasn’t ended, and I don’t remember taking in the morning sun.
It has been ages since I slept with myself only.
Most nights I am company…
To fear, to trouble, to mistakes, to worries, to in-betweens, uncertainties and so much fury.
Now I am tired. But I still can’t sleep. Not alone at least, even if my eyes are dreary.
The world that I wake up to will think it’s my fault.
It’s my incapability to let the wrong ones go, and make the right ones halt.
May be it is. May be it is not.
THIS ONE TIME. I WANT TO SAY “I CARE NOT!”
They tell me to keep away from the demons outside. To be right always.
To have self-respect, conscience, integrity and what not.
But, who sees the demons that eat me inside?
They think I am selfish apparently. A convenient prick.
…and may be a sadistic bitch.
Yes that’s right. May be that’s what is left of me. After I gave all the good away.
All these years, running behind things that loved to sway.
I put up with a lot. My sorrows were good hiders.
Only my lies got caught.
Why can’t people see? That sometimes you are pushed to be?
Pushed to the edge of nothingness. To where the dark things flee.
Where giving too much also leaves you hollow.
Where tears are held up, for a flood to follow.
Where you don’t feel pain, because too many whips make you numb.
Where you burnt up yourself trying to be everybody’s sun.
Where the bullets are just enough to not kill you, but leave you in immobile.
Where happiness breaks all the time, because it is so fragile.
Who is there to see that? Except you?
Who is there in that dark place, to throw some light and dew?
No one right? No will hence, ever come near…
To knowing your pain and what got you here.
Yeah.,Yeah! I know what they say.
That god tests you in a mysterious way.
But off late, I wonder … how many tests do I have to give?
How many puzzles must I solve?
For once can’t I be the problematic question that seems so tall,
That someone struggles to answer, even if he has to give his all?
I can’t keep fighting anymore. Not a small battle & definitely not a war.
I am so tired fighting all the fuckin’ time. I need to be fought for!