She wakes up in the morning knowing that she’ll be miserable and lost once again.
Another purposeless life, another day without meaning.
For her, a razor’s edge is comfort. Anything that could take the pain away from her thoughts is a good therapy.
She cuts a line into her skin, usually just one, but sometimes two or three. She limits it to three. She lets the blood flow on the sink for a while, and then she would take a shower.
The water purifies her. At least in her thoughts. She would cry for a while to let her feelings out. Then she would go out, dry herself and put on work clothes. Out into the world once again.
Into the void, forevermore.
During the commute, she would prepare herself for work.
Breathe in, breathe out.
She would prepare herself for the scolding she was about to receive from her boss. Missed deadlines, tardiness, inappropriate work behavior, she wonders everyday as to why she wasn’t fired yet. And yet the thought that she would be let off from another job devastates her more than anything.
She enters the doors of her workplace. She would always be greeted by Jimmy, the security guard of the firm. He’s a nice guy and it was clear that he was one of the few of the people that the world hasn’t damaged one bit.
“Where’s your report, Pauline?” That was how Stephanie, her boss, would greet her today.
“I’m working on it.” Pauline would greet her back.
“You said that two days ago.” Stephanie said to spark up a topic.
Pauline would stay quiet because she was clueless about said topic.
Then it begins. Stephanie would shout as loud as the entire office. And then everyone would hear about how much of an imbecile Pauline was. Stephanie would then remind her about how a monkey could do her job better than her; how she could do what she could do, blindfolded. Stephanie would scream how weak she was as a person. Any word she could hurl at her, she will, and after the shouting and after the scolding, everyone goes back to work as if nothing had happened, because that’s the truth. Nothing really happened. It was just another day at work.
But what Stephanie says about her is inherently true, Pauline thought. She really felt that she was an imbecile that can’t do her job right. She was the worker that can’t think for herself. She was the monkey that didn’t know how to climb. She’s always paralyzed and emotionless. She had emptied herself a long time ago. And with that, she starts her day.
***
He wakes up with enthusiasm and finesse. He got a clear glass of cold milk and drank it slowly. He looks at his window. He sees the blue city. He smiles.
Today is the day that would change his life.
Today is the day.
His life was good, he said to himself. Memories upon memories of his friends and family littered his walls and he can’t help but look at them: pictures, notes, letters, he had all of them and nothing will ever take that away from him.
But memories will always just be memories.
A headache spiked from his head, but he learned to ignore it. Nothing will ever ruin his day.
He went downstairs to his favorite café. He was greeted by his favorite clerk. He smiled at her. She had a beautiful face and a warm smile. If this was another universe she would go for her.
He sat on his favorite place, near the window in where he could see all the people rushing and walking to their daily lives. He kept thinking about the idea that if they would just stop for a minute then they could see how everything around them unfolds. How beautiful their life is, when there is no rush.
Optimism a day keeps the doctor away. He said. He smiled. It really does.
After he mopped up his breakfast he decided to take a walk. The world was cold but it had gentle warmth that touched his heart. He felt like the world was colliding with him, slowly making him a part of a greater entity. He felt that he was one with the world.
He breathes in and breathes out.
He was invulnerable. Nothing will ever ruin him ever again.
He walked and walked and people were smiling at him, as if they were greeting him. As if they knew him. He smiled back. He shared the same joy they had towards him.
There is this infinite joy inside him, knowing that today is the day.
He didn’t want to be the center of everything, just to be a part of something bigger.
He just wished for better days like this.
***
She sat and ate her lunch alone.
It’s crazy how the world just fumbles and falls around her and she’s never there to realize it, because she’s always in the middle of it. Snickering workmates, talking behind her back. People avoiding her altogether. She’s in the middle of a bigger something. The world’s greatest joke.
But she has to survive.
She has to fight for another day. Crawl out from this deep beyond and into the next. There is something in her willing to fight. Something inside her willing to keep going even if the odds are against her. Something she dreams of.
A better day.
***
Raymond had visited the museum. He had also eaten his lunch in his favorite restaurant in where he indulged himself with their finest wine. Although his student money could only give him so much, what he had was more than enough.
Its dusk as he walked the bridge staring into the last fading sunlight in the horizon. The skies were burgundy and they were dripping into the sea below. As the sun kisses the horizon goodbye, he couldn’t help but let his tears fall.
Today was a perfect day.
Today was a better day.
Wishes do come true. But the darkness always comes after the fading light.
Everything good always has a required sacrifice. And now that sacrifice demands from him.
But will he give in?
Nightmares distant from his current future came in endless tides. It reminded him of what his life really is: A senseless existence. A grain of sand. His life does not add weight into this world. It does not matter.
Anger had seeped into his brain. He started to hate the world and everything about it.
He started to hate himself.
But deep inside he dreamed of something. Something like today.
***
As her shifts starts to an end, she was called by Stephanie to come to her office. Once she got there she had a huge smile on her fat face and a letter between her hands. Pauline knew that was it. She was about to be taken away.
Her whole world shattered. Few words were in the letter but they carried weight. They were used by so many other people before.
People who came before her, but people unlike her.
Now it was her time to be a part of them. It was only a matter of time. But she had wished that she was given more time. She could’ve been a better worker. She would’ve proven herself.
Maybe not. She would still stay the same. The same monkey that can’t climb a tree.
Stephanie had a smile on her face.
Pauline walked away teary-eyed. The world had disappeared. But it wasn’t the first time.
She got on a taxi heading home. She cried and cried. The world was once again fading away. She thought of adding another cut into her fair-skin. She always liked her skin, but now it was just a tool to push the rising tides of disappointment away. Her sadness was brooding; it was completely mocking her, making fun of her.
She can’t make through life like this. And yet, she’s here and she will fight.
It was just another day.
And on the bridge, that’s when she saw him. She told the taxi driver to stop. She had stopped crying. Her body had turned cold. She then screamed.
“Someone jumped off the bridge!”
***
Pauline waited for the boy to wake up. There were wires attached to him. Beeping sounds echoed the room, a clear indication that he was still alive and breathing.
The doctor had said that he had broken a rib from the fall. There was also a couple of torn muscle but nothing that time and rest couldn’t repair.
Raymond woke up but the world was a distant blur. But he knew what had happened. He was disappointed at himself and at fate and destiny and at everything that kept him alive. It was supposed to be the day that he died, when he leaves his mortality behind. He wanted his futile life to come at an end, but it didn’t. It was supposed to end yesterday, but then it just turned into another day and for that, he had pure anger at the world and everything around him.
“Why did you do it?” A womanly voice had asked him. He searched for her in the room, she was on a chair an arm length away. Pauline knew that she was not in the position to really ask, but what the hell, she saved the kid’s life.
“I’ve been battling battles upon battles in my life.” Raymond started, his voice starting coarse because from the period of slumber he’d been through. But he continued, because she had to know about how life is futile and nothing more but a disappearing grain in this endless abyss.
“Episodes upon episodes and it all seem so pointless because life isn’t just about the inherent battles we knew. It’s this constant struggle in which winning is futile.
“Everyone expects too much. The world looks upon you as if you’re dirt just waiting to be washed up. It hurts and yesterday was just the perfect day to put my realization into a reality: There is no hope for a better life there will only be this concurrent despair and sadness upon this over-occurring nightmare. There is no hope for the living and just plain dread for the dead so what’s the point of being here? What’s the point of living? This madness and philosophy is the reason why I decided to take my life.”
“You look too much into this” she said. “That just shows how much time you have.”
“Time is everything I had and yet it is one of the many things that had betrayed me. Do you know how much I’ve spent building my life upon a rock?” He asked. Pauline shrugged.
“Ever since I was born. And yet everything around me started to be taken away. One by one. My dreams, my friends, my family, they all turned to nothing more but a distant memory that I could never reach. I, then realized, that there is no point in life, because life is nothing more but a lesson of everything fading away.” He explained. This placed fury into Pauline’s heart. How dare he speak of life like that? There is no reality in which he could possibly have the shittiest life in the world.
Life is given to us. It is up to us to carve our own path. Her mother used to say and there’s no way someone like this teenage boy could ruin her beliefs in life.
“Time, philosophy, madness, blah blah blah, all of that bullshit you speak as if you have a degree in life. Life is simple, it’s a struggle, and as long as you exist, as long as you breathe, you have a chance. You think you’ve thought of it all, all the possibilities of your life, but no, you haven’t. You haven’t seen a single dime yet.”
She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She controlled her rippling tide. She imagined she was near the ocean, she imagined that for a moment she felt that she was alone. She opened her eyes once again and spoke.
“Whenever I look at myself in the mirror, I would always see a beautiful woman within. Yes I have cuts and I have bruises that I inflict to myself but I don’t mind that. Yes, everyone talks behind my back about how incapable I am, but that doesnt matter, as long as I living and breathing, then I am and will always be constantly proving them wrong.”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about lady.” Raymond countered. “If you are hurting yourself, if you are incapable of changing, then you should understand as to why I took my life and why you shouldn’t have saved me.”
Pauline smiled at him. A tear stroked her face. She then spoke with vigor.
“The thing is that, when you’ve really hit rock bottom, when you reach the lowest point of your life, the only way you could really look to is up. Because if you look down, you won’t see anything more really.” She smiled and another tear stroked her cheek. “You’ll just see the ground, nothing more nothing less. But when you look up when you’re in the bottom of the well, you would see the light of the sky, shining through. And no matter how far it is from your grasp, you would see it, and then your hands would itch for you to reach its warmth and comfort.
"Every day of my life, I would settle myself as a failure; that I can’t do anything good. But I would also bring into perspective about the fact that I am still alive. That somehow I could still change this miserable life of mine. Maybe not today or tomorrow or next year or in the next ten years of my life, but some day.”
Raymond couldn’t speak. How could she bring up this strength when everything about her shows only suffering?
She understands how life works, she had realized how life is, and how empty and full of dread it is, and yet she talks of being able to fight back.
“Maybe someday my boss would lose her voice completely, maybe someday my co-workers would stumble off a cliff and fall altogether. Maybe someday some guy with a million dollars would feel generous and give me all of his money and marry me some place far far away.” She sighed and smiled. “Maybe someday.”
She then looked straight into his eyes.
“You may wonder as to why I think like this and it’s simple: because when you’re down here all you could do is look up. When you’re down here you’re desperate enough to make everything look like it’s possible. And I think you know that. You just gave up today because you’ve settled with the idea that the sky is too far away to reach. But if you think about it, you’ll come into the realization that if you reach out your hand towards the sky, then you’re already a couple of inches near it.
“So I don’t want to die. I don’t want you to die. Today and a couple of days from now I would accept myself as miserable. But if I’m going to have another day of my life, I would put a cut on my wrist and cry. But I would push through after that, in hopes that one day I would feel something."
Raymond kept quiet but he started to sob. He started to sob uncontrollably. Then he shouted and screamed until his throat hurt. And she watched him fall apart completely because she knew that if anything was to be fixed, it has to be completely broken once again.
“But I can only go so far!” He screamed. She stood up and hugged him.
“You can and you will go so much further than you think.”