When you are young, so young, in fact you can’t see over your mothers’ waist, memories have a tendency to leave deep imprints upon your mind. Not that this isn’t true when you are old and weary, but somehow when you have a treasure chest (or Pandora’s Box, it’s all in the way you see it!) of memories, the ones with the greatest clarity would be the same ones that matter the most. The sight, the sound, the smell – all can be recollected with a great sense of precision. Memories – they are so fleeting that they fly away before you can cage them.
I remember the day we became bench mates; the very first time we talked not in passing. She once wrote to me in jest (or so she claimed) that, she never bothered with me before because I looked so very full of myself. May be it was true; I lived in a place where my imagination seemed much more tangible than my reality. May be that was how I coped with being alone. I don’t know. But anyway, it never bothered me then. When you are so sure of the pinkie promises made in a distant twilight, the vow to be “BFF”, you don’t care much about what your better half wrote about you – especially when you consider it all in the past? After all, you long moved away from it, you ‘supposedly’ grew up….
But when everything seems to be falling apart, the foundation cracking beneath your feet, the insecurities come bubbling up. What went wrong? What was the thing I did or didn’t do, that made our beautiful (once) friendship fall apart slowly, heart wrenchingly? The answer was not forthcoming.
All the memories….. Chatting and bickering, confiding and confessing, secrets upturned; blank pages crammed – all I was made open for her. All my feelings, all my grievances, all my faults, all my crushes – everything laid bare open. The times I spent in her home, the tangy taste of noodles her grandma made teasing my taste buds, the sweet aroma of halwas her father used to bring especially for me, the treasure trove where I met Dan Brown, Robin Cook and Katherine Keene, the frustrated war cries of her sister when we skilfully dodged and excluded her from our secrets, the hours long trips to temples – not for divine grace but solely to speak, the guilty smiles when Amma showed me the phone bill, the truths and the lies….. Where did everything fade off to?
The beep of my mobile startles me from my sad meditation. A thrill of joy sparks through me when I see the name. Not her. But one among my many friends, whom I never really cared when nearby but who I started cherishing afterwards. The text seemed deeply ironic to me – “The hardest part of missing a person is not their absence, it’s when you think of all those good times and ask yourself, ‘Will those moments ever happen again?’” – These words never felt truer.
When did we start drifting apart? Was it after high school ? under-graduation? No. I did meet her after. All our times apart, melted away like hail on the ground. Then to us, goodbyes didn't matter. “What is goodbye, when it’s a prelude to hello?” I want to know when it stopped being so. Unfortunately the answer keeps flitting away.
Last birthday, I was eagerly waiting for her call. No matter what happened, even if we had huge fights the previous day, we would unfailingly call each other on every birthday. That was a promise yet to be broken. I was impatiently anticipating the call from her – it’s been almost a year. Now we have a genuine reason to call- to make up for the lost days. Each time ‘First love’ sounded, I rushed to the phone, looking at the number with excitement. If it was someone I knew, I talked. If it was an unknown number my heart pounded, no- thrashed, twice more. Don’t misconstrue. I’m not a lesbian. (Not that I have anything against them.) To those who have really great friends, friends who laughed with you, cried seeing your tears and gently put together the pieces when you were shattered, well, then you will understand my plight. And incidentally the call never came.
But I did have a chat with her….. yet that’s not the same. If you don’t call on birthdays, so callously broke a promise with a hurriedly typed few words, when will you ever do? And I didn't call on her birthday. No, it was not petty antagonism. I was simply not able to connect to her cell, even after trying multiple times. And again no, I don’t think coincidences happen so profoundly and she didn’t call for the exact same reason. I sent her a message, a heartfelt one, which never got delivered. The broken bridge didn’t start to mend. Those earnest words – hey swthrt, tried calling you. Seems lately you are always out of reach. :( but then , we have proved time again and again, distance doesn't matter when we hav our bonds of friendship standing strong. Miss you lots. Love you. Hope you had wonderful birthday. Happieee b’day from smone who considers you so very dear even after all these time. :)- sat drooping in my sentbox.
We had little contact thereafter. I got to chat with her when I was home. We even decided to meet up. But due to unforeseen circumstances, me coming down with a fever and she disappearing from the radar, things didn’t go as planned. The small expanse between our homes never felt bigger. It’s true that I wasn’t really bothered then. But on coming back, I paired up with my friend in college for a paper presentation. The sea never stays still for long. All the calm I supposedly felt came crashing down, the calm before the storm. The days we did our project, a long two years of perseverance, the interviews, the house to house surveys, the first online conference we had with Mr. Logan, a renowned scientist, my blooming to a confident presenter – all thanks to her timely nagging and nudges. The person I’m today is indebted to her and it’s never easy to erase unpaid dues.
My very last (or so I try to convince myself!) to reconcile was the text I sent her the day before, to which I’m still awaiting reply.
“I hv no idea y we r not jabbering away on phone! Sry v didn’t get to meet as planned. Was feverish. Nd cme bck the following day. I really wntd 2 c u. it’s been too long! It stl feels lyk a betrayal to call sm1 else ma bf. Go fig! So much left unsaid….jst knw ur thoughts always bring a smile….evn if it’s a litl sad at times.”