I've wasted too much energy on you.I've hated you for too long and it's starting to burn my heart already. I've been carrying this pain for more than half of this year's timeline and it is consuming me. I wish forgiveness is something that can be done so easily than just saying it. I wish forgetting you is just as simple as deleting another text message.
But that's the case. It's not as simple as that. Blame it to my memory but I remember everything. And whenever flashbacks occur to me, I can feel the same agony I felt the moment I learned about your existence. I let you go and blame myself for that event and I suffered the consequence of that decision. Funny, isn't it ? I tried to be mature enough to handle that chaos so decently yet I am slowly dying. May be I really need to accept the fact that it happened for a reason and that no one can mend me but myself.
The hardest part of forgiving and forgetting someone is trying to accept the apology that wasn't given to you. Trying to convince yourself that you are way better without them yet you find yourself playing with the same fire that burnt you. Or singing the same song that broke you. Or playing the same game that made you a loser countless times. Or simply looking at that person's face and telling yourself that they do not exist anymore.
I've been trying. Trying so hard to let go but whenever I see her roaming around like nothing happened, I get upset all the time. She had her reasons. I am not the once to judge yet I find it stupid to see her showing off without a trace of remorse.
I wish I can be like that too. I wish I can act like it didn't happen. That I wasn't hurt and I am not hurting now. I guess that'd awesome. But that's not me. That's not how I deal with things.
I need more time. More time to forget. Time will come and I'll be truly happy. I know that. I will be.