I watched the painter how he mixed the colors with his brush.
I listened to the singer how she shifted the key from low to high.
I touched the petals of a beautiful flower that was once smooth but is now dry.
I enjoyed the summer, loved the fall, and hated when it starts to winter.
I noticed how all of these things changed. Did you?
Before, I don’t believe that everything in this world is temporary. I thought there’s something that really doesn’t change even a years or decades will pass. What was that? I just believed, I really do not know. I don’t like the word temporary, the truth is that I hate it. I was used to experience this thing with people from the past and it was no good. From then, I hoped and prayed for consistency.
For almost two decades, I think I’ve had enough. I think I experienced everything I needed to experience - emotionally, socially, and other factors I do not know what it is called. I think that was all but I was wrong. In fact, I was so ready to die but the fate doesn't agree with me. There’s so much more and two decades aren’t enough.
I do not know if I want to leave this place or rather wish to turn back the time when everything was right. Everything that is happening right now isn’t right, I know. The environment has changed. Things changed. People changed. And because of this I have found the word “temporary” as a good thing. How? I can’t explain.
I recall the day when a friend says he like it - having things temporarily. And I asked him "Why?". Now, I know.
You would never know how the fragile person feels upon hearing the word temporary and being one, for being an option, for existing when needed and nothing after, for being too special in just a short span of time and felt how the world fell on you the next day, you might never know.
For those who stayed, I appreciated them so much. I’m trying to keep them as much as possible, I want them still.
Things sometimes go rough; there are times when you feel that you don’t belong to anybody else. You’re altogether but then you feel all alone. They don’t see it, they’re satisfied, and they’re happy. They don’t see the pain in your silence. You? You’re just observing how they laugh with each other and how they act like a blind person. This happened many times yet I feel like I am entailed to stay, not that I totally need but I think they somehow deserve it..., or not?
Call me by surly names, judge me all you want. I won’t care anymore. I am being judged for all of my life, why would I care this time? I was fed of judgment.
After all, there’s still a glimpse of a rainbow. The bright side has come, new things came after some left. That was when my heart is full. I don’t think of other things, I’m more focused of the moment. I’m preparing myself of the possibility that they might also leave after a while and before they do, at least I knew and ready. But then I’m thankful since at some point between coming and leaving is a good memory.
I was walking on the hallway when someone approached me. I remembered this person, I knew him. He greeted me with a smile. I could describe him as something I don’t expect he is. Then another one who just looked at me and continued walking. She was something important before. How sad, right? Like others, maybe she’s tired of us, of me in her life. Who am I to cling on someone who doesn’t want me to stay? After she walked away, it was my turn.
How the surroundings change, it bothers me.
I remembered a friend who told me “Don’t afraid to leave someone. Even you have been friends for too long, don’t hesitate to turn your heel and walk away especially if it's unhealthy and makes you really sick.” I kept that in mind. That was partly true but it was so hard for me, for a person who usually treasures a lot. It took me years to forget, a one or two.
There are some things you want to have back again. Wait, is there such thing? Yes, I forgot, there’s still a few but not meant for me.
It sucks how I wanted to keep them all but my mind tells the otherwise. I’m learning to take away the special treatment. Maybe it’s time to give them they want, of not having me as part of them.
There was when I changed. Do you still know me? I bet you don’t, I didn’t know you either so it’s a tie. Ask me why and I’ll tell you to look at the mirror so that you’ll find the answer.
Maybe I got tired. I got tired of seeing myself as the reason why others also change. I got tired of putting all the blame to myself when they’re aloof, making me feel faulty.
Maybe I should also start ignoring the messages they’ve started.
Maybe I should stop caring about how others talk behind their back and won’t defend them anymore and let others be.
It is me who’s wrong? Or them?
I got tired of reminding them to listen when I'm telling important things they need to keep in mind yet they didn’t listen and still go on. I’m sorry, though I don’t want to stay out of reach from now on.
I think I protected them too much that I forgot how to protect myself. When they’re at risk, there was I who is ready to help and forgot that I’m also in danger and the people closest to me. This is the last thing I realized, I’m too busy helping and saving other people and got sightless of who is and what is the most important. The trauma stroked at this point of time, I’m afraid of saving things and beings. It is either you come too close to see how drowned I am or go away and save your own selves from drowning with me. You only have two roads to take.
Sorry if I needed to do this for myself. You may or may not understand. You may leave me, it’s all your choice. I won’t beg neither chase people again.
People were used to leave me and it’s now my turn to leave.
Would they blame me for wanting to change?
I have my reasons, anyway.
It’s now my turn to be a painter and mix colors.
It’s now my turn to be a singer and shift the keys.
It’s now my turn to be a petal of a beautiful flower and wither.
It’s now my turn to be a season and start to love the winter.
One day you’ll realize how things changed, I hope you won’t be blind for knowing the reason behind.