Today's my birthday! Great! I finally get to meet and catch up with Johann. My birthday party is quite simple, maybe even boring. For food, of course there's a lot sisig and rice, then bbq and carbonara. And since everybody else but me loves it, I decided to order a few boxes of pizza. With the amount of food we have, I doubt it would be finished, even if Koish eats a lot. Steven and Elaine was first to arrive, bringing a lot of beer with them. "This party might get messy", I thought, so I place a big trash bag in every corner, just in case someone might not make it to the bathroom to puke their guts out. Everyone else arrived shortly after Steven and Elaine. Rodge brought a big bowl of corn and carrots, the best gift I could ever receive today. Patricia was in charge of the movies and Maxine handled the music. Its odd, Johann isn't here yet, which is fine. He's just late.
Hours have passed and everybody, divided into groups, are talking with each other. I stay in the kitchen, messaging and calling Johann. He isn't picking up his phone and neither is he responding to my messages.
"He's probably not coming again" my head jolts up, Rodge surprised me.
"I hope not. " I know he's correct, but I'm still hoping.
"We haven't talked in months." Rodge says as he takes a beer from the fridge. I just watch him as he drinks his beer. Johann hasn't been replying to me every since last Thursday. It's been bothering me.
"Is he that way with everyone else?"
" Pretty much. It's probably because of that girl he's with. "
I'd rather not jump into conclusions. His change started months after he's met her, so we can't be so sure.
More hours have passed. Maxine and James passed out on their respective chairs. I've put trash bins beside them just in case they puke. Half of the food is decimated, Jose is asleep on the bean bag and JR is reading a book beside him.
Everyone else except for my brother is watching Stranger Things. I sit on the edge of the couch beside my snoring brother. I check my phone. Still no replies. I start feeling frustrated. But then I thought, surely there's a reasonable excuse for his absence today. What if he got into an accident or something? With that thought in my head, worry quickly subdues the frustration building up inside me.
Everyone went home already. Patricia took James and Maxine to her apartment. My brother is in his room, still snoring. My little sister and I are fixing up the mess. Then I hear my phone chime. My heart raced, is he alright? Did something awful happen? I rushed over to my phone and checked the message. It is Johann.
"Im sorry I didn't attend your birthday again. I got stuck at work." Again?!
I take a deep breathe, calming myself. "Oh, that's ok! Let's just meet up sometime soon then, how about that?"
"Im sorry, but I don't want to meet up anytime soon. Or ever" What? Is this Johann?
"What?! Are you alright? You've been acting odd lately. What's wrong? You're worrying everyone. "
.....
"Hello? "
And I get no reply. I tried calling and messaging more but he just ended up blocking me.
He blocked me.
I call his landline and after a few unanswered calls, be blocks me there too. I try contacting via emails, twitter, discord, anything I can use to contact him. He isn't responding to them.
I'd hate to put the blame on her, but Johann's sudden change began when their relationship got serious. Over time, he slowly isolated himself. And now, he's trying to get me out of his life. So I try to contact her. I call her number, and after a few rings, she answers.
"Hey Nik, what's" - "How's Johann doing? He is isolating himself from everyone, including me." I realized too late that I rudely interrupted her sentence, but at this point, Im too worried to be bothered by it.
"Oh, w-well I wasn't aware of.... Im sorry. I mean, he hasn't really showed any kind of change. " He's still the same with her? Why?
" He's in the bedroom folding some clothes right now. Wanna talk to him? "
"Yes, thank you very much. And Im sorry for interrupting you rudely at the beginning." I hear her chuckle.
"It's alright Nik, you're worried for good reason" I could hear some footsteps and Johann's muffled voice. They seem to argue a bit. I just patiently wait.
"Leave me alone, Nikolai." I flinch at the way he says my name. He sounds so angry and annoyed.
"Why did you block me? Why are you pushing everyone away? " I hear a deep sigh, and I could almost feel him roll his eyes.
"Just... LEAVE ME ALONE!"
"Why? What's happening with you? "
"Im tired of everyone. Im tired of the stupid shit you all talk about. You're all boring. And a collective pain in the ass. SO STOP BOTHERING ME. " This isn't Johann. I don't know him anymore. Before I even got to reply, he hangs up. And I just stay seated on my chair, shocked, hurt, frustrated, worried and scared. What happened to the Johann I grew up with? I help my sister clean up. She stays silent, refusing to ask questions.
My hands are trembling. I feel like I'm about to cry as well. This is the first time he talked to me in such a way. Where's the Johann who loves talking for hours? What happened? Why did I let it get worse? We stopped talking regularly 6 months ago. Whenever I expressed my concern about it, he'd just apologize and say that his work is keeping him busy. Then he started talking less, keeping things more private. I figured he just wanted some privacy, so I let it slide. I still continue to believe that he truly was busy.
Our friendship has been strained for a year now. He just started talking to me less. He slowly replied less and less, keeping them brief and casual, which isn't normal since he's always been so talkative and lively. Last Thursday was the first time we talked in a month. I've asked Koish, and she said that Johann is completely distant from her already. The only person he keeps close to him now is Danielle. My chest tightens. I guess this is how jealousy feels like. It feels disgusting.
Getting work done has gotten a little bit challenging. I can't stop myself from worrying. Im respecting his wishes, but he's raising every red flag I have.
He changed so much. We've been friends since grade 1. And I've had the pleasure of watching him grow and change. So why didn't I stop this from happening? Of all the people in the world, you'd think that I should have fixed his issue before it even got a chance to get worse. How can I help him now?
"Nik" I snap out of my thoughts and immediately pretend that I was listening "I need you to hand these out to your group. Its for the upcoming presentation" I take the files from my boss who barely pays any attention to me and walks back into her office. I need to focus on work.
I finish the document Im working on before handing out the files. The day flies by painfully slow. Everybody talks about the same thing over and over again. What's the latest rumor, who's sleeping with who, what's the biggest buzz around social media lately, and the list just goes on and on. When I do spot an interesting conversation, I'd be too shy to join in. So I just do what I'm supposed to. Nothing more, nothing less.
A week has passed. I've asked everyone about Johann. It turns out that Johann told everyone to, "fuck off". Everyone's worried, but they let him be since it's what he wants. I think its dangerous to just leave him be.
Today's a Saturday. I head to the mall to buy myself food enough for one week. On my way to the pasta aisle, I spot Johann, wearing a baggy jacket and grey jogging pants. I know he wants to be left alone, but Im not going to get another chance like this. I push my cart and park it beside him.
"Hi Johann" I quietly say. He turns to look at me, and for a brief second, I swear I saw him smile.
We both stay silent, which both builds up tension and gives comfort at the same time. I continued my shopping, trying to stay close to him as much as possible. It seems like he's taking his time. Is he possibly waiting for me? I've gotten all that I need, but he's not yet done, so I tag along. We both stay silent until we reach the detergent aisle, which was devoid of any employee and customer.
"Aren't you going to ask? " he says as he inspects his grocery list.
" What's happening Johann? " I tighten my grip on the cart' s handle and he stays silent for a while.
" I realized how shitty you all are. And I just didn't want to interact with all of you anymore. You're all so tiring. " A blatant lie. What is he trying to protect?
" How are we shitty? " He sighs deeply.
"Koish's issues are so tiring to care about. Everybody talks about senseless shit. Everybody keeps talking behind somebody's back. And you, are just a weirdo. "
" Johann, stop lying. What's really going on with you? " he just laughs. So I try my other theory.
" Did Danielle do anything? " he freezes up. Then he turns around with a frown plastered on his face.
"So she did do something" he snaps. He grabs my by the collar of my shirt. He wouldn't punch me. He's not like that.
" You don't need to hide what's happening to you Johann. We're all worried sick. " his lips twitches. And he let's go of me.
" I... Don't care. " I observe him, and a shiver runs down my spine. He genuinely meant every word in that sentence.
And he starts walking away. I run towards him and he turns around to face me.
" Stop bothering me Nikolai. " I can't just leave you be.
" Johann-" he punches my face and I fall to the ground. My nose is bleeding and my head is spinning.
"Next time, I'll do worse. " those words echoed within me. This isn't the Johann I know and trust. Anger flares up within me. As I wipe the blood off my nose, I can't help but feel disappointed. He's sunk down to such a level where he'll use violence to shut someone up because he can't even make sense of his own words. I stand up and finish my shopping. Im tired, and I just want to lie down on my bed.
Driving towards home, I can't help but reminisce a bit about Johann. Every moment with him was always so fun. Seeing him change and flourish felt nice, like how a proud parent would feel about their child's achievements. Deep down Im still very worried. But now Im just tired. If he wants to be left alone, fine.
Upon getting home, I lazily fix my grocery and head straight to my bedroom and just allow my body to collapse onto the bed. Im always here ready to help if he needs it, but I think I also need some time alone as well. The stress is eating me. But at least one thing is certain. Danielle is causing this somehow.
- - - -
Johann couldn't stop thinking about the punch, how Nikolai's body fell to the ground, how his hand hurt. As he walks away from Nikolai, it takes every control within him to not break down and cry. His body won't stop shaking. Johann regretted punching Nikolai, but he knew that man would never stop asking. Did I really need to punch him? Is he alright? Did I hit him too hard? The thoughts plagued Johann's mind throughout his travel to home. He enters his house and finds it lifeless. Danielle left a note on the kitchen table. She's just meeting up with her female friends. For a moment, a little bit of jealousy sparks within Johann. Realizing what he just allowed himself to feel, he quickly extinguishes it.
Johann fixes the grocery he bought and prepares dinner. After that, he fixes everything that needs fixing and then he goes to their bedroom, finally allowing himself to take a rest. As he takes off his jacket, dark bruises all over his arms are exposed. Then the takes his shirt of, stopping from time to time. His back hurts from all the hitting and whipping.
Johann stares at the mirror attached behind the closet door.
"Its better this way. " he says. He knows that what he says to himself doesn't make sense anymore, but he doesn't care. He's scared to live without her. And, he knows that if his friends hate him, then there's nothing for them to stress about. He forces a smile and holds back the tears. He truly believed that it was better that way.