Cold Feet's Flashback

Truth be told, everything has changed right after I let go and she said, “No.”

Right then, I have never felt the same. It’s like how chocolates aren’t that sweet anymore compared to what it’s like before when I was just three. Now I have come full into knowledge that it’s just a processed food that tastes sweet rather than a miraculous gift.

But I don’t blame her of anything. Maybe things seemed cold and unlively now, and everything seemed untouchable and distant, but I’ll get used to it. I’ll get used to this world where there’s none of her. Where I couldn’t have or even hold her anymore. Where I can only watch her from afar and she will never know of me. And little by little, I’ll disappear.

It was never her fault.

It was raining heavy, but I still remember how those rain drops seemed like melodies because she's there. As if every drops were notes and they fall accordingly to the musical lines. There was her at the passenger seat, beside me, with her wavy brown hair which curls fall perfectly to her shoulders. Her dark brown eyes was as brightly and lively as it was always, and that contagious genuine smile on her lips. How I still wish that it would still be me her eyes be looking, and her lips be smiling, but it’s impossible now. Now that I’m a cold cadaver and my soul lingers anywhere, with no fixed location, with a lot of walls to pass through, but nowhere to go. And I know it’s only a matter of time until I forgot every memories I have until I got nothing. Nothing to look back and nothing to feel. Well, it’s according to the movies I’ve watched, but if it happens so, I will be just like that coffin that will turn empty after my body decompose in just a month or year.

Anything can really happen in just a blink of an eye. And in just a blink, my car loosed break and the last thing I knew, there was us on a cliff trying to cheat death.

Back at those moment, although with rain, I can tell that her tears falls with the rain too. She really cried so hard. Everything was blurry and I may had not catch all the words she shouted at me, but she seemed gruesomely worried, and I recalled that face. It’s just like the way Momma looked like when I was four, and Dad was lying on bed at the hospital. I can only remember glimpse of how Dad looked thin and weak, but I will never forget the way how Momma broke to tears when the monitor that keeps on beeping shifted to a straight monotone.

She looked exactly how Momma was back there.

When I finally came to my senses, I then heard her shout between her sobs that I should just hold on to her. That help will come. That we can get through it and all I need to do was not let go. I was hanging at the edge of the cliff and the only lifeline I had was her hand holding my arm. She was gripping at the metal side-cliff fence that I clearly knew will not hold long. She was trying her hard and as she tried hard she cried harder, hurting, and back then I knew I never wanted to see her that way.

But, I was also scared and I wanted to live more.

Not so long after, I had sensed her slipping from that cliff. I knew, she did too, wanted to live more, and she can’t if she’s holding me still. I saw it through her eyes, and then I made up my mind.

She needs to live more, without me. I looked straight at her eyes for the last time jotting every detail until it's tattooed in my mind as I let go of her hold, and the last thing that echoed in the air, as I fall, was my name and her, “No.”