Too often do we find ourselves stuck in a situation which does not seem to have any optimal solution. A rather perilous dilemma which consists of too many options, of which, none are right, yet none are wrong. The tiny echoes in my ear were screaming, barking mad, that I should not have quit the job based on my understanding of it, and now I'm stuck in, what seems to be, a time loop. It starts with waves of guilt that crash into the endless heap of shame and self loathing. Like an alcoholic, who still decides to drink as he holds his liver in his hand and sees his own life being poured out, I'm wasting away into oblivion trying to come up with a solution to this rather impregnable problem. The similarity being: neither of us can quit until we have what we desire the most or we embrace death.
The trek, yesterday, helped clear my mind as I sat on top of a waterfall. In my hand was a joint, my feet were surrounded with cool water from the stream, which would go on to fall for the land below, and in front of me laid a sublime view. The slim streams running down the mountains of disbelief, falling a good three hundred and a fifty feet to nurture the vast forest that laid around these ginormous wealth of dirt and rocks. I stared with a complete sense of skepticism and shock as one of the smaller hills in front of me started to shake. At first I was beyond scared, I must have stopped breathing for what felt like an eternity. The hill was shaking so loudly, it felt like I was going to go deaf, but before blood could come pouring out of my ears, the vibrating motion stopped. The hill had morphed itself into a face and before I could concentrate on it, to make out the details, the face opened its eyes. It was the middle of the afternoon, yet the brightest object in the sky wasn't the sun, rather it was the eyes of this monster of dust. It spoke to me, not in any language known to mankind, but with the blinding lights from its eyes and somehow I understood. I can not tell you what he told me for I do not wish to degrade it by putting it into mere words, but I can assure you that it was exactly what I needed to hear. A message modulated into the beams, being shot towards me, enlightening me, and making me aware of who I am, but importantly, who I pretend to be. It wasn't a usual sight to gaze onto, not for me anyway. The lights started to slowly fade away, as if the monster was done with its preaching. I stood up at the spot and bowed to this, obviously, mighty being and by the time I rose again, the hills had gone completely silent and all I could hear was this strange echo. Like, a mad man screaming out of pain that he has to endure no matter what, and the fear caused by the inevitability of death. This echo, I heard, was of the same mad man, and it went something like, "What now?" I did not have an answer to my own echo, so, I laid down and gazed onto the clouds for the remainder of my trip, no longer talking to myself; One monster was enough for the day.
I still have a hard time figuring out what it was that I feared more. Was it the echo of my question ringing in my ears? Or was it the fear of actually getting the answer? A saner man than I would argue, that the entire conversation was a mirage, a nightmare witnessed while the eyes remained open. But, I know it in my heart, that I met a celestial being, a being with superior knowledge than any other in this universe, and it told me who I was. It gave my existence a purpose, a sense of belonging, and when I was climbing down the hills, I could feel some part of that celestial being with me. Like a part of me that had being missing for a long while, finally returned and made me whole. This was among one of the best conversations I have ever had with any monster.