1. Have you ever lost yourself ? The kind of lost that cant really be found. Just like that kind of tired that cant be overcomed by sleep. Have you ever asked yourself what is it like to look in the mirror and not recognise the person that you've become.
I believe that hell is something you carry with you everyday, not somewhere you go when you die. Not the place you go just because you've been bad all your life. Hell is something that feeds of your fears and emotions. Hell is something that can drain you and then leave you lying helpless on the ground of your own mind. You're my Hell.
I learned an important lesson when I was 12 years old. Never trust the people around you, you never know who they really are. You never know what they really want. And i've learned that the hard way, but i believe that the only way to stop being controled by the past is by taking the knife of your back and cut the strings that still attatch you to it.
In a way i think i did that, you know? At least i've learned from it. But i kept a scar. A scar that will never heal because its my only weapon against the ones that get too close.
You know, i have this habit of cutting people out of my life, just like that. The truth is I hurt myself so others cant. I cannot give them the pleasure to see me hurting so I hurt them first.
The reality is that sometimes the people we would take a bullet for are the ones behind the trigger, so i just shoot myself everytime, that way i dont get disappointed.
That's what i did to you, a long time ago. I wanted so bad to be part of your life that i let you destroy mine. Me! I did it!! And then when i realized your feelings werent the same as mine i just shut off. Someting inside me broke. I broke. I trusted you. I. I did this.
I just felt so hurt, so stept on.. i didn't know what to do so I did what i do best. I opened my heart, took the part of me that wanted you close and built a wall so it wouldn't enter again. I couldn't stand being hurt by you. No, Not You. Always you.
How long would this go on for? How long would you play with me ? What was I to you?
I guess that doesnt matter anymore. We dont matter anymore. That was a long time ago. I just wanted to make a mend with myself. I want to forgive myself so my head stops blaming me for letting you go. You let me go. You. You. You did it.
But we would never last. Perhapes we'll meet in another life. A life where we can be together. A life where we belong together..
It has been almost 2 years now, and once again you're trying to ruin my life. No. Not you. Me. My head. With the thought of you. I still see your face. I still see you. I'm still trying to figure out how everything went wrong so fast. I'm still trying to make sense of this life. It hurts. Why? Why does it still hurt after all this time? It was only a phisical attraction.. it was all in my head.. and yet i think I fell in love with you.. with the idea of you. You. You. Always you. Even after all this time. Its still you. You moved on. I moved on. But here I am once again. Thinking of your eyes and the way everyone saw you looking at me that night. Everyone excepte me. I just remember sitting in your car while you were driving. I was trying to remain calm but oh god how nervous i was. I remember seeing you smile and thinking how cute it was. I remember your wrist and your big hands and thinking of how much I would like to hold them. How much I wanted to keep you safe even tough you were so much taller and stronger them me. I remember telling you i didnt like the food you were eating and you smiling afterwards. I remember it all too well. I remember forgeting the others around us and feeling so special because I knew that everytime I was smiling, you were looking. And oh god, how much I wanted for you to fall in love with me. I still dont know how or why it all went bad so fast, but i still remember you, and that my dear, I'm afraid I will never be able to forget.