So I sit down on my bed looking out the window, legs close to my chest and head looking up. The sky is blue and there are no clouds to be seen, just like the day you came and your eyes said “I love you” while your mouth said “Goodbye”. My shoulders still carry the weight of your body from when you embraced me from behind, squeezing the sadness from my frail body in the process. And at that moment I couldn’t help but feel right at home. Like I had been holding my breath the whole time you were gone and I could finally live again because you were here, You were right here.
So I looked at you, tears running down my face, and all I wanted was to tell you that I would have waited the whole time. That I would go to the end of the fucking world just to find you. That I wouldn’t let go of your hand even if I had to cut my own so you could take it with you wherever you go. But I didn’t say anything because it wouldn’t have mattered. You had your mind made up and there was nothing I could say or do to change that. All I wanted was to tell you that I can see my future reflected in your eyes, but you had them closed so all I saw was the suffering mirrored in your face.
But I don’t blame you, at the beginning I couldn’t open my eyes either because I was too afraid it was all just my imagination and you were not really there. Because I couldn’t bear the thought of you not being real.
But its like you’re always with me, on the back of my mind or on the other side of the door. I can see you everywhere I go from the corner of my eye, begging me to look at you. And although that comforts me, I cannot bring myself to look because you’re not really there.
So now you’re not with me, but you’re not gone either. You’re here every time I close my eyes. Every time I go to sleep and feel your presence and your warmth on my bed. You’re here every time I remember all the little things about you. You’re always here, the only difference is that now I smile back at the empty space next to me. You’re always here, just barely out of reach.
Surely, we will meet again. Surely, we will find a way back to each other again. But for now all I can do is to gaze upon the blue, cloudless sky
– "What a beautiful day to let you go…"