2. You. You again. This time in my dreams. I still have your present, remember? That cute stuffed bear holding a heart. That stupid fucking bear. I put it in the darkest part of my closet hoping to never see it again. But last night I held it in my arms, and suddenly I wasn’t here anymore. I was there. We were there. I heard what you said that night… it echoed in my mind. Why is this happening again? Please just stop. Go away. Leave me be. I don’t need you I never did. I only need myself.
This is not who I thought I was going to be at 21. I barely remember who I was, for the better and the worse. And I can’t shake this feeling of hopelessness. For some time there I thought you were going to be the one. The one saving me from myself. From my madness and this mess I’ve become. But here I am writing at 3 a.m. about I guy I used to know. About a life that never happened.
It was never about saving you. About fighting your demons or locking you away for protection. All I wanted was for you to be part of my life and me of yours. All I wanted was to hold your hand and tell you that all was going to be just fine. That you were not alone. I didn’t want for you to feel alone because I know it hurts. But I guess you didn’t need me for that, you know how to fight your own battles. It was never about me. All I wanted was for you to be happy. I guess that isn’t with me. And maybe that was what scared me the most, that I was never going to leave a mark on your life like you did with mine. I mean… look at me… 2 years later and I still write about you. I still thing about you in ways I shouldn’t.
But I can’t help it… just the thought of you pulling me close to you is enough to start a fire inside my soul. Just the idea of kissing you and you caring me to bed with those strong arms of yours. Just like the many times I imagined before. I lost count of how many times I thought about you before I slept. And now I catch myself doing exactly the same thing. Again and again, even in my dreams. My head won’t stop thinking about all of the possible scenarios where my body would fit yours perfectly.
You became my only friend during my darkest hours. I just keep on writing so I can be honest with myself and make a mend with my heart without having to say these things out loud. I feel like giving in, you know? This pain, these thoughts won’t go away. They say you can only be broken by love and you broke me. You broke my heart, my mind and my body. I crave your touch. Your hands. I still want to hold you tight and protect you. I still think about you and your stupid smile. I still want you. Even though I can’t admit it. Even though you broke my heart. Even though you never loved me. Even though the body you pull closer to yours isn’t mine. Even though the girl you think about isn’t me.
Why does it still hurt so much? Remember when we were at the cafe and that guy asked what was up between us? If we fucked or something like that? None of us answered. To be honest, I didn’t even understand the question at the time. I didn’t even realize that question was for me, for us. Did you? Because if you did, why didn’t you say anything?
Could it be that you didn’t even know what to say? What were we? Confidents? Lovers? Anything but friends. Let’s be honest, we just wanted to fuck. I just wanted for you to grab me and fuck me against the wall while I moaned in your ear. That was it. And do you want to know the worst part? I still do. I still think about you in ways I shouldn’t. In ways we used to think about each other. I still do Ru.
I still want you to fuck me, I still want to tell you to make me yours while you go through my body with your hands. I still want to hear you moan. I still want you. Just like you are, with your flaws, with your demons and battles. But I don’t think I could accept you back. I don’t know if I could be broken again… Because that’s what you do. You brake me. You’re the only one who can really brake my heart, I gave you that power. But I can’t let you do that again.