No, not you. I couldn’t bear it. So I did what I do best. I broke it myself. I broke my own heart and then pushed you away… and then pushed everyone else away because they weren’t you. And now I have to live with that.
I know what you told my cousin. I was spoiled, I asked too much of you, you weren’t who I thought you were, and, finally, that you never intended to be with me, you’d never leave your girlfriend for me. I get that… I wouldn’t choose me either. But why did you tell me all of that? All of the “if I could I’d make you happier” or the “one day we have to go to that restaurant” or even the “I lost count of how many times I thought about you before I slept”. And we both know how that would get you. Thinking about me THAT way.
Those long conversations late at night when we would talk about how it would be if we slept together, if we fucked. Happy hour, we used to call it. Remember? I sure do. It is what it is and know I have to live with those memories attached to my soul because these shadows won’t let me go.
I remember the first thing you said to me when my cousin went away. “I couldn’t let you escape”. I remember showing you the real me because I felt safe. Like you were going to be the one saving me. We used to talk everyday… Juliete. You used to call me juliete. I used to call you Romeo because of that stupid fucking joke that got us talking in the first place. I never even got to hold your hand or go on a “date” with you. I don’t think I would even know what to say. “Save me”. That. I’d say that.