Dear 2019,
You took almost everything away from me. You left me with nothing but a twisted version of life at its very best. You found different kind of weakness and introduced me to a more depressing kind of depression.
I waved the flag of exhausting surrender.
This was the year of the most difficult decisions. The year I am most misunderstood and stabbed by daggers of judgements for my choices. The year I am most vulnerable. You made me spend lunch breaks at school crouched in the sad corner of the room--- drained of all that was left on me. Defeated like a bullied kid and always left with no choice but to face the world fake happy, or never face the world at all.
But I chose to continue and still see you through because you were also the year where I discovered wonderful people who genuinely offered me friendship. You were also the year I chose to give the acceptance I have always denied myself. The year I forgave myself for not forgiving me better back then. The year where facing past mistakes were damaging and harmful to move forward so I chose to never look back. The year where moving forward means letting go of the things that has completed its purpose and the things that didn't served its purpose at all.
You were also the year where my dreams were truly distorted. I'm still trying to find out what that means exactly, good thing you were also the year where I am no longer afraid to figure things out. You were the year I invested so much in proses and poetries, in films, books and writing stories. The year who gave me that peaceful view of how vast and wide is the space in front of you when you're on top of mountains. When you look down, you'll see that everything below is just a crinkle in a landscape, and I'm just a tiny part of something massive. You were the year we decided to grow our family. The year where my first niece was born. The year where I can't wait to introduce her to poems made of methapors and beautiful words.
But you were also the year I got real sick of fake words and failed promises.
Still, you were the year where I never gave up. The year I lost so much but gained so much more. The year I greeted sunrise with eyes in awe and hopeful heart. The year I greeted sunsets holding on to a promise that tomorrow, this disappearing ray of hope will soon rise again. You were the year I doubted marriage but also the year I cannot wait to be married and stay married to the one. To him. The year I realized I am not just breathing because this is the year I have loved the most, too.
I will remember this year forever. The year where I made a lonely home in my lowest possible point. But also the year where I made museums out of the treasures I unearth in that lonely home. You strengthened my nails and I have clawed my way out. I wish I can say I have climed out wholly unharmed, but you were also the year who broke me the most and made a wreck out of me.
But 2019, you made me much, much more than just that. I am the stronger and better version of myself that I am actually rebuilding yet. You've been a battlefield---so 2020, don't bother trying to knock me down 'coz I am ready. I have prepared a better army.