Dear Sissy,
You've grown stunningly beautiful, strong, creative and smart. Our parents would be very much proud of you, wherever they are right now. I know, they are watching over us, over you. I still remember the day I carried you in my arms. You were so little back then, so soft, so smooth, and so fragile. Words alone are not enough to describe how fond I am to have you. To have an angel near by my side, always. I would never leave you like how they left you. I promised you that. I may not have the courage to tell you what happened before you came. Forcing myself to speak out would break my heart. It's not easy to remember the most precious and yet the most horrible moment of my life, our life. Now, I am letting you know everything.
Mom and Dad were head-over-heels-in-love with each other. They were the most understanding, caring, loving, and sweet. When I was four, I remember how we spend most of the day together. During weekends, we would go to parks, have a picnic. Playing and having fun. It's almost perfect. I couldn't wish for more. One day, mom found out she's pregnant of you. I felt sad and jealous, Mom and Dad's attention would be on you. I kept mum about how I feel. I thought they won't care about me because they already have you, but I am wrong. They didn't make me feel alone, nothing has changed. I started to accept you as my little sibling. I clearly remember how I talked to you when you were on our Mom's womb. How I told you the stories I've read. How I caressed and kissed Mom's tummy. How I prayed for your delivery to come soon, so that I would have a playmate. I wouldn't be alone, not anymore because I will be having you. I was so happy. We were so happy. But in every happy moment comes with a big throe.
Mom collapsed. I panicky called Dad and told him what happened. We rushed Mom to the hospital and found out.. The doctor already told her that she's not capable of bearing another child because of the complications when she gave birth to me. The survival of her would be 50:50. I cried. I was so worried about you and mom.
The most heartbreaking moment came, the doctors asked Mom and Dad to choose. Mom's, or your life. Mom answered without hesitation. She carried you for seven months, I did expect bad things would happen. But I never thought it would be this bad. On the 7th month, mom gave birth to you through cesarean procedure. She stopped breathing the moment she took a glimpse of you. I can't remember how much I cried for the death of the finest mother on Earth.
Dad got depressed and real sad. He cried a lot. I know. I can hear his sobs during the night. I was walking towards his room, I would like to hug Dad and tell him how much I love him. I opened the door, saw him hanging. Hanging on the ceiling. I shrieked. I cried my eyes out. Mom and Dad left me alone. I'm so sorry my letter's a mess.. I can't help myself but cry.. For the memories I don't want to look back to.
Granny took charge of taking care of me, since you're still at the hospital.. We would go together to come and see you. After a very long two months, we finally got you out the hospital. I'm not allowed to carry you because they said I might drop you or even worse. At home, Granny made me seat on the bed, handed you over. I cried. How I wish you feel how Mom and Dad would touch, adore and care for you. I just stared at your innocent face, memorizing every bit detail of your structure. How unfair life could be? That even an angel like you, was left with nothing. Nothing but me. I didn't know how to take Mom's place. I didn't know if I could. I cried more at the thoughts. I wish they were here.
You grew up fast, I never took my eyes off of you. Raising a very smart child is a pain in the ass. There are times, you would just ask lots of out of the world random questions. I didn't know how to answer your witty questions. But I tried no matter how hard or how stupid I might look like. I tried. But there's this only one question I couldn't answer that time.. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't find a word to speak.
When I got to school on weekdays, I would think about you. About what you are doing. I even want to go home to check if what you have eaten.
Do you remember those days we played, worrying for nothing. Granny would bake cookies for our snack during playtime. She would just call out our names, when playtime is over. During nights, she would tell us stories about how the Prince Charming found Cinderella by the use of her glass shoes. How the Beast loved by a lovely princess despite his looks. How the Prince climbed the tower just to get to Rapunzel. We would dream of our own version of Prince Charming together. I still remember you said you want your Prince Charming to be like mine. We shared different ideas, thoughts and opinion on a certain topic.
When you were six, I was eleven that time. You climbed the tree in the backyard, I nearly fainted when I saw you waving at me. I panicky ran, while calling out your name. I didn't mind the edgy stone I stepped on. When your right foot slipped, I was out of breath for a moment. I closed my eyes and called out for all the saints I know. I prayed hard. You held my hands, I was trembling. I'm afraid to open my eyes, but when I did, I saw you smiling at me. All of my worries were set aside. I get on my knees, hugged you tight. I will never let you leave me like that. Only God knows how breathless I was that exact moment. The thought of losing you, sent chills on my spine. I couldn't afford to lose you. You are all I have. I can't bear another loss.
I was fourteen, when granny left us. I didn't know what to do. I had no idea on how we would continue our living. Later the day Granny died, our family attorney informed me that we have to find a guardian. Then added, we are out of money. The bank account of our parents' is on the verge of bankruptcy. I came up with a good idea. It might help me earn for a living. I worked at a factory. It's not actually legal. I'm just fourteen that time. They just let me work because of our situation. I begged the factory manager to let me be. It's not easy at first, but my body system seems to get used to it. I study during the day. I play with you every afternoon and work at night. I usually came home past 11pm. I functioned all day and night. I worked 'til I'm out of energy. I never told you about our situation because I didn't want you to feel all the hardships I am carrying. I want you to live on how our parents would like you to live. I want to provide everything for you.
I am tired from all the pain and struggle I've been into. But I am determined to give you the life you want to live with. I might be tired, but I'm not going to give up just like this. All the hard work, I knew. It will be paid off, someday. Every night I came home, I would go to your room. You have this special ability. No matter how tired I am, the moment I saw you. The exhaustion will be gone. All I can feel was the longing to touch you, and kiss you on the forehead then bid you my Goodnight. That was how my life went for three years.
I thought I'm already at the worst state of life. Everything became more intense, that even I, can't recall how I survived. I did my best to save money so, both of us could go to school no matter what. You had dengue. Your platelet counts gone down. It's not a good sign, I withdrew our money, our savings. All our savings were spent to your hospital bills. But that doesn't matter anyway, you are the most important that I should care about. After I got you out of the hospital, I was so depressed. I didn't know what to do, how can I earn more money? I decided to drop out of school. I shouldn't have gone to college. You got angry at me. I didn't know why. After I told you that I'm out of school.. you started to demand for things.. like an iPhone, Mp4, and other gadgets I'm not familiar with.
I tripled my hardwork so I could meet all your needs and demands. But I failed to buy you an iPhone. I told you that I couldn't. You didn't ask me why. You just slapped me. I was stunned. I didn't know what was that slap for. I didn't ask you. I went to my room and cried. Am I losing you? Or did I already loss you? Did I make you feel isolated? I was so sorry. All these years, I only thought of how could I earn more money for us. I didn't realize that I didn't have enough time to spend with you. How selfish I am to realize that you still need someone to look after you. To be with you everyday during your adolescent period. I was there actually. But not for long. I would wake up very early to work, and come home after my last shift at 10pm. I would arrive very late, you were already asleep. I never thought you still need my presence. I did everything to pay off my absences. I decided to resign at the restaurant. That was my 2nd job, I still have two jobs actually. One job wouldn't matter. I was waiting for pay day to come, so I could buy you a new dress or shoes or anything that you would like.. I came home very excited. I couldn't wait to see you, so I could give you my present.
You came home late, I skipped my work at the factory and waited for you. The creek sound of the door, woke me up. I instantly got up. I knew it was you. I looked up at the wall clock, it's already 10 pm. I was so worried about you. I asked you where you've been. But you asked me back, why would I care? Yeah. You're right. Why would I care? When I admittedly neglected you. That I failed to stand as Mom. I didn't speak any words. I didn't know what to say. I was holding my tears.. I handed you the present I thought could ease your anger. But you threw it on my face. You hurriedly went to your room. My knees suddenly became weak. I was on my knees when my tears fell down. How things could possibly go this worst?
You continue to ignore me, I get used to it. Maybe I've done something that hurts you so bad. You never spoke to me. Every time I talked to you, you would just look at me with an awe looking eye. You never asked me how my day went. But that's okay for me, I understand you because you're still angry. I got back to my senses, I swept away all my worries about how angry you were on me. I worked like a carabao. I was saving money, preparing for your college fund. We didn't talk much for another three years. I asked you what course you would take. You said Culinary Arts, I know that would take lots of money. And I am happy because I saved enough, enough for maybe a year or two?
Another horrible night came, three men broke into our house. They were searching for money. I was relieved that I didn't have cash with me. They searched everywhere and found nothing. It was a relief that you weren't here with me. I prayed hard, please don't come home tonight. Then, I remembered, you said you would stay in your friend's unit right? That helped me to be at ease. I thought they would just leave after finding nothing. It seems like they didn't want to leave empty-handed.
They cornered me. The first guy ripped my clothes. I cried. I begged for mercy. The other guy held my arms.. I plead. But they are deaf. They didn't hear how I plead. They were laughing. Laughing like devils. The third guy kissed me. I did everything to resist, I kicked his balls. But that made him more furious. He punched me, I lost my consciousness. I woke up feeling really sore all over my body. I couldn't move. I barely sit on the floor.. I saw blood. I started to recall everything that happened. I shouted at the top of my lungs. I cried for who knows how long.. I went to the bathroom, still hoping I could erase the traces those hungry wolves left on my body. I scrubbed my skin 'till it hurts.
You came home, but you just walked passed by me.. I followed you in your room. I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to tell you what happened all these years. I wanted to tell you everything. I wanted you to hug me. Just a hug. Just a tight hug from you and everything would be fine. But you threw me out of your room. You shut your door and told me never to come in again. I tried to talk to you. But you ignored me. I didn't know days would pass this fast. I never left my room. I shut my door. I never bothered you. You never asked me what's wrong. So, I never told you.
Every night, I have a bad dream. My nightmare. Even in my sleep. Those guys were harassing me. Then, one day. I woke up feeling dizzy and sick. I rushed to the toilet and started to throw up. That confirmed my suspicion. I cried. I cried that even my tear sac gave up. I wanted to cry, but my eyes are too swollen to let out a single drop of tear. I got up and went to your room. It was locked. I knocked lots of times. I was praying, just this moment, please open the door. I kept on knocking. Then I heard you shout. Shooing me away and telling me not to disturb your sleep.
I went back to my room and decided to write a letter.
I am sorry that I didn't fulfill all my responsibilities as your guardian.
I am sorry that I wasn't able to spend time with you.
I am sorry I wasn't able to provide all your needs.
I am sorry I didn't have enough money to buy you an iPhone because I was saving my salary for your college fund.
I am sorry that I neglected you.
I am so sorry for all the mistakes I made.
How I wish Mom and Dad were here. But they weren't. All I have is you. All I ever wanted from you is a hug. Is it too much for me to ask? I did everything for you. I know, that's not enough. I wonder how hard it is to give hugs.
All my life, all I'm worried about is you. I was there when you cried because you hurt your knee. I was there. Blowing your wound to help you ease the pain. I was there. I was beside you. During nights when you had a nightmare, I would stay in your room and comfort you. When things started to fall apart? Is it because of me? You don't know how sorry I am.
Now, I couldn't cry anymore. I want to end it. I want to end all my sufferings. I'm sorry. I think I'm going to disappoint you again, for the last time. I can't keep the promise I gave you. I'm so sorry for being selfish, but please forgive me. Forgive me. I can't take it anymore. I haven't had sleep since that night. Memories keep on flashing back. I can't take it anymore. Just this once, please understand me. Please don't be mad at me. I want to be free. Free from all the heartaches and pain.
Live. Please live your life to the fullest. I hid my ATM Card inside the vase nearby your doorway. It's for you. Do whatever you wish. You're all by yourself from now on. I won't be pestering you, that should make you happy.
I love you very much. Goodbye.
Always be your big sissy,
Veronica.
PS: I will still look after you, no matter what.