Dear sister.

Letter to my sister,

If equal love cannot be, let the more loving one be me.

I had never thought I would be sitting back on a sultry summer afternoon and write this letter to you. I had never imagined that someday words would fail to escape my mouth in front of you. I had never believed that instead of giving you my shoulder to cry on, I would be forcing back my tears.

Now, I find myself at the confluence of the daylight, faded darkness and a desolation so inhospitable that numbness embraces every inch.A sense of dread possesess my mind and an oppressive anxiety burdens my thoughts, with its unreasonable exaggeration all through the hours nowadays.

The first memory that I have of us recaptures our mother’s smile when I had held your hand for the first time, fearing you would break at my slightest touch.I had held your little pink fingers only for seconds before you began wailing again. I don’t know which was more beautiful. Your legs kicking in a jagged motion, trying to find the resistance but finding nothing but air or your cry and fret on witnessing the annoying me for the first time.I had never felt so elated before, maybe because my life lacked your presence, the presence of a little companion, a little sister.

For the first few months rather years, someone stayed by your side all the time. Your tiny frame remained curled on the bed as if absorbed in a world of your own, unaware of the happenings here. I didn’t get to spend alone time with you and in all those times, I watched you crying, playing with that ‘winnie’ which has a broken nose now, making a fuss over almost every thing, just silently watched you through the gaps of that pale blue curtain in Grandma’s room. Yes, you spent the first few years of your life there, in that room which remains locked now and quite a few years back we had thought it was haunted and hence abandoned, remember? Our childhood was spent in overcoming the hurdles after the sudden demise of Baba.Every day I returned from the school just to find you sitting alone by my bed, waiting for my return. And the moment your eyes fell on me, the little you ran frantically towards me and hugged me so tight that I almost choked.With years, you got used to his absence and I missed that tight hug. Either we were growing apart or getting entwined in a more mature bonding, silence being more eloquent. Don’t know which caused the pain~ the fact that my sister was growing up or the fact that she was growing apart.

Coming to our most cherished memories now. I remember the day you had accompanied me for my first ever basketball tournament and believe me, I had the support of the most beautiful cheerleader. I never told you back then but I am telling you now. I remember how we used to start a scuffle over the silliest things possible but believe me, I got to fight with the strongest person I know till date. I never told you back then but I am telling you now. I remember how you came home crying after a bad day at school in the second standard and sat beside me narrating the events, then I had given you my shoulder to cry on for the first time. I never told you this in all these years but I am telling you now. I remember you had given me your share of pocket money for the jacket I had been longing to buy. I never said thank you back then but I am telling you now.I remember how you used to hide my trophies out of jealousy but believe me, I wouldn’t have won any of them if I hadn’t had the support of the most understanding sister. I never appreciated you back then but I am doing it now.

Few more years passed and I found a best friend in you- a confidant, an arch rival yet the one whom I turned for solace every time depression engulfed me. I turned to you every time I needed a suggestion for all those dates which I never actually wanted to attend. With time our rooms changed, separate ones now for we both needed some space and privacy. But, somewhere a brother missed those fights for sleeping on the left side of the bed under the fan. Somewhere, I missed taking you in my arms every time you woke up drenched in sweat after having had a nightmare.

You never told me that you used to lay awake hearing to ‘Beatles’ till Ma would wake up to check on you. You never told me that you had ditched the guy who had sent flowers on your sixteenth birthday because he had insulted me.You never told me that you read all my stories after I fell asleep. You never told me that you danced on every wedding song while taking a bath. You never told me that you fantasize about George Clooney and blush every time someone mentions Johny Depp. And this reminds me, you still haven’t told me where you have hidden that white kurta which I am supposed to wear on your wedding day.

And, I never told you how much I love you. In all these years, I have shared every thing with you, every detail, every problem. But I couldn’t share my feelings. In all these years, I have seen you broken, passionate, happy, lonely, angry, frustrated. But I have never seen you shedding tears while preparing my evening tea, while ironing my shirts. With the wedding preparation in the full swing, I realize that it will take days, maybe months to accept that you would be gone. We would meet, yes, but the frequency will lessen with the period of time and our lives would run in parallel directions, never converging. We would talk, yes, but the late night long conversations would be replaced by one or two messages in a week or two, or maybe a call sometimes, lasting for minutes instead of hours. As much as I hate to accept this, the denial seems even more impossible. Yes, I would miss you.

I love you. That means I would defend you with my life even if odds were insurmountable. It means I will comfort you in difficult times, in hostile junctures. I will never betray you, never give up on you. And just so you know, there is a reason why love is invisible, undetectable with anything but our hearts. We’d try to alter it, engineer it, weaponize it, use it. Love, hence ours remained unaccepted till date, maybe. Or maybe I am just trying to reason why I never actually made you feel loved till now and the attempt ends in vain.

Our memories would travel with me, to every nook and corner. It would make me laugh, cry. But, never disremember the person whom I proudly brag as my little sister. In a universe that is coded by a divine hand, the only real thing is love, invisible and weightless. An ultimate answer to our bond.

With this, I decide to end the letter. Wish you a very happy married life ahead, a blissful marriage it shall be. My love and my blessings, forever with you.

With love,

The brother whom you are leaving behind.

P.S: Never break down in front of people, be strong. We are superheroes, right?

If equal love cannot be, let me be the more loving one.