most nights, i sail, some nights, i dive, this night, i jump.
most nights, i swim, some nights, i drown, this night, i sink.
most nights, beneath the waves of my unforgiving thoughts, i sail as if i am the best sailor; surviving every surge of uncertainty. but some nights i dive, letting my thoughts occupy my whole body, exploring every idea i have in mind, thinking and thinking until every drop of tear comes streaming down my face, letting every grasp of air become the loudest in the sea of sound, i don't know why, maybe it's about my fascination to the darkness inside it, or maybe it's because of the beauty i fail to see-- expecting the most wonderful creatures, and only seeing the monsters of the deep. and finally, this night, i jump.
most nights, i swim, breathing, existing. i swim as if i am the best swimmer; floating with every masochistic thoughts. but some nights, i drown, as if an anchor is pulling me down. i scream and shout but the noise is only echoed to myself. i am tied up by chains, and like a rock, slowly dragged down to the bottom of the sea, but i struggle to breathe, my lungs long for the taste of air, i fight to live. but this night, i sink, no longer fighting the demons of the deep, no longer trying to escape the horrifying waves, no longer fighting to reach the shore. this night, i sink, with a handful of moments i wish i could change, but i was carried away, approaching the aphotic side of the ocean, thinking that it would be better, if i just let the ocean win.