The buzzing blow of the desk fan beside me that caress my soul as I lay is the only thing that gives life to my room’s atmosphere. My bed that cuddles my body as it sinks on its warmth weights the emptiness in me. I’m trying to hide the shame that draws on my face with my pillow as daylight is knocking its blinding brightness at my window. I must get up as nature says but even getting off my bed is a painful task. This is just another day, a day that remains idle and undefined that repeats its spiritless routine for the next day. I feel numb that even performing my morning rituals is a silent victory from forcing myself to give motion to my lifeless body. Even my unfinished poem that sits on my table and my books waving its pages wasn’t capable enough to revive me. I feel worthless and hopeless.
Talking to someone who understands is a great pleasure but even starting a simple conversation is such a burden for me. There are times where I scroll down my friend list on my phone but then I remind myself that I don’t have one. Most of the time, I ended up talking to myself and arguing with my thoughts. I always feel unfit to my peers or any group whom I need to be with, they’re all energetic and have a positive aura compared to me. It’s not about comparing myself but I envy how they can manage to smile or laugh over a situation, mostly I ended up isolating myself. It’s not just getting out of your box or get out of your comfort zone and live your life to the fullest as most people would say. It’s complete bullshit you know. I struggled to reconstruct every debris that falls out from me and of course, it won’t work the same, I’ll never be the same.
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Inserted Nov. 9, 2020
I don't believe in Destiny but I mean those promises I made with you. It may be in a form of a joke but I sincerely treasure It in my heart. It's just that life is cruel between us. If only you said Sorry, then that would be the best comfort I've heard from you, I'll swallow my pride and forgive you. Maybe if you did, then life will be cheering for both of us.