Rush Hour

      
     Afternoon sweat and perfumes pass me as I sit on a bench near the exit gate of the Mall, watching unfamiliar faces and listening to random conversations in an attempt to distract myself. Some people rush while others calmly walk as the early night rises its darkness. Dau terminal! Dau terminal! A man repeatedly announced as he stands beside a public jeepney where people fall in line to have their space on the passenger seat. I'm trying to beat the emptiness in me by checking my phone pretending that I'm waiting for someone but the man keeps announcing 'Dau terminal Mam? Sir, Dau?' like he got a charm or power to change your decision of destination. I can assume I've been sitting on the bench for an hour trying to justify my existence. Shall I go home 20 minutes away or go to the terminal and take the bus? I asked myself as the man keeps cracking the same phrases. I don't want to give myself a chance to decide because I know I will always choose to ride a bus so I rise and went inside the Mall to ease myself from thinking about things I should not. Not now, not yet.
     I no longer care to pay attention to my every step or be careful not to bump some strangers, I just walk with the crowd.  My phone buzzed so I stand aside to give way to other passersby and fish my phone in my pocket. A friend asking my whereabouts but I simply ignored. I'm in between wanting to be recognized but doesn't want attention, between wanting to be heard but doesn't want being asked. I put back my phone and give myself a moment to breathe while standing in front of a shop. A pharmacy that advertises 40-50% off, attracting customers to roam around the shelves.
     Is there anything else you want to add? The cashier patiently asked like she's giving me a hint that what I put in front of her wasn't enough to ease the pain. Uhm, and two dozens of antihistamine, I replied. She started informing me what generic names they have with their price differences so I simply said 'Ok, I'll have that' as if she's the one who chose for me. What the hell am I thinking?  I mock myself as I watched her put all the items I bought in a paper bag. I pulled myself out of the pharmacy holding the paper bag, aimlessly looking down counting my steps, and trying to seek answers on the floor while people came rushing in and out. I gave my feet the authority to decide where to go next because I'm afraid of what I'm able to do to myself.
     Hey! Someone pulled my shirt to get my attention. Why you didn't reply? Demands a friend who texted me asking where I am. She didn't bother to wait for my response and started talking about our school projects, her struggles about familiarizing the commands in the AutoCAD, what she got on a quiz, how're things going on with her boyfriend so.... and so.... until the next thing I know we're eating our burger as we sit on one of the benches outside the Mall. She's the kind of friend who can crack jokes and you'll found yourself laughing not because of her jokes but the way she merrily laughed. She keeps talking the way she is while I'm eyeing the paper bag beside me. She's asking me to sit next to her in our class so that I can assist her whenever she needs it. I felt distracted by her presence that I didn't even bother to tell her to wipe the burger's sauce on her lower lips just because it perfectly fits her personality. Effortlessly funny and carefree. Don't be late tomorrow okay? She said as she checked her phone signaling me that it's time for her to go home. She stands up and looked at me. See you tomorrow, she said like she's reminding me that it is a promise. Ok, I replied. We exchange our goodbyes before she left.
     I cupped my face with my hand as I look down hopelessly. Not now, not yet. Someone's expecting me tomorrow, I convinced myself. So before I can change my mind, I stand and walk away, intentionally leaving the paper bag on the bench.

The photo wasn't me but the girl asking my whereabouts.