Summer colds

        Despite the warmth of late summer, I wore a plain sweater to add spice to my alibi that I feel sick. Under my sleeves hides the evidence of how I torture myself. Small red blemishes like insect bites and thread-like purple veins that were visible on my body are the fruit I gain from penalizing myself last night. Can I see your artwork? I told him with an asking permission tone to enter the room. It matters not to me what was his response since I've known him well and I'm confident enough to trespass the room. I silently crunch the melted mint candy on my mouth hoping that it will ease myself from being nauseous as I draw near to his works. His drawings are more focused on portraits that display his improvements over the years. The room was beautified with random images of every person exhibiting their emotions in front of a camera that was transformed into an artist's hand. Because of the medicines I've taken last night, it's harder for me to focus my vision so I draw closer to his art piece to feast my eyes on them. I'm aware that he's behind me and I was about to say a word to glorify his works but to my surprise, he pulled me close to his chest. I can feel his arms roughly wrap around me. I'm stunned. I tried to raise my head to seek justice from his eyes while I portrayed an expression of asking 'Why?'  No words escape through his lips. His strength and aggressiveness manage me to lay on his bed while his weight is on me. An instinct to hesitate sink in me, I tried to push him and tried at least to scream but I just can't.  I've known this person is what I thought. In dismay and disbelief, I close my eyes to reconstruct my thoughts. Sequences of nightmares and forgotten memories keep flashing in my head and it contradicts the reality that I'm in a room with this grown-up Man. Madness is what I felt as I can feel the tension in my head. I'm not sure if he's looking at my reaction at that moment and I sensed his untamed act subside. Silence conquered between us when I open my eyes.

        Without words, I leave him alone and went back home. I feel betrayed, not by him but to myself. It was me who choose to believe in what he is and it was I who trusted him the most. For years, I'm convinced that I'm traumatized and develop a kind of fear that I can't figure out myself what it is until it becomes part of my personality. Reasoning myself from lame decisions I've done that maybe because I'm just terrified, that I'm being cautious of everything but ironically, not to him. It takes courage for me to admit to myself that I'm just a complete jerk. I'm just a goddamn complete jerk.

        I wrapped myself with my blanket while my sweater still on and let the music crack on my phone to lull myself. I don't want to think about it, I don't wanna talk about it. It's not worth telling. Nothing happened and I need to sleep. I'm sick.