Depression Almost Killed Me

Depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness/ mental illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. Fortunately, it is also treatable. Depression causes feelings of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities once enjoyed. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease a person’s ability to function at work and at home. (www.psychiatry.org)

Depression is no joke. Suicide is no joke. I should know, I experienced and experiencing it now.

When a person commits suicide some of the people blame the victim. They always say that suicide is not an option. Some say that if that particular person has enough faith to God that will not happen. Some say that suicide is for coward or weak person only. Some even mock them. And when they found out that person is seeing a psychiatrist they will judge the person and tag them as crazy.

Hearing those words makes me feel sadder, makes me cry and makes me feel alone. I feel that no one understands me or about my situation. Having depression is not easy.

Before, I’m just a simple student, a dedicated employee. I don’t easily cry, I always show that I’m resilient re of the challenges and problem that will cross my way. I don’t give up easily, I always fight back. I always do my best in everything that I’m doing. I’m a person who loves challenges, without it I easily get bored. But, suddenly one day I feel that something is wrong with me. I easily get mad especially to my subordinates or people who don’t follow my instructions or even in smallest things. I research about all the things that is happening to me. I found out that I’m right, something is wrong with me. I thought at first it’s a borderline personality disorder a is a serious mental disorder marked by a pattern of ongoing instability in moods, behavior, self-image, and functioning. These experiences often result in impulsive actions and unstable relationships. A person with BPD may experience intense episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last from only a few hours to days. (www.nimh.nih.gov). I told my parents about it, that something’s not right in me. But sadly they didn’t believe in me. I feel so bad that time. I said more than anyone else I know my self. But, still they didn’t mind it they said it was a normal, I’m just stressed from work. Then, one day while having a breakfast readying for work, without any reason I unexpectedly can’t breathe and I didn’t go for work that day. Went to a physician after that and told us that, it was panic attack and tool us that I need to seek a psychiatrist. That was the start of everything, of my misery. The following days I feel sicker, so lazy to get up, I don’t want to eat, don’t want to go to work. I suddenly feel fear, sadness and anger. My hands, feet and even my whole body are trembling every time my emotions went extremes. And a neighborhood insists that we really need to a psychiatrist before everything will be too late. We went to a psychiatrist, I went a series of questioning and assessment and the diagnosis was depression the psychiatrist gave me high dosage of certain pills to make me calm and to stop or lessen my panic attacks. But my depression gets worse and worse everyday for the whole day all I want is to sleep. Our neighborhood recommends a better psychiatrist that can reduce the medicine that I’m taking in order for me not to be drug dependent. The assessment went deeper; I ask and told my psychiatrist that I want to resign from work because I can’t handle my emotions anymore and my performance was greatly affected. The following days my fear in going out of the house became bigger I can’t even went to office to give my resignation letter. Afraid to ride in any kind of transportation. It took me awhile to overcome it. In the middle of the treatment I realized nothing has change. The old me was gone. Even my faith was gone. Also I realized that my parents can’t still understand me. I feel so alone that most of the time my sadness is unexplainable. I almost cry every night in the bathroom so no one will hear me. I can’t explain the pain that I feel inside. My heart is wounded that I can’t take the agony or the pain anymore. I feel broken and dead inside. That’s what I feel almost every day. I wanted to end everything, I can’t endure anymore. Suicide enters my mind. Thinking it’s the only way to end my misery. Suicide always comes to my mind everything my emotions went extreme. I feel that I’m already a burden and a problem in the family. I always made my mum cry. I can’t take it seeing her cry, my father is also affected and even my brother. My whole family is affected because of me. My misery became worse, my urge for suicide become stronger. The medication has no effect. All the pill that I take has no help my body is rejecting or the medicine doesn’t suits me. Even my psychiatrist is adjusting too much. Every month different pill is given to me, like a trial and error or testing what will suit me. Some of the medicines that I took made my condition worsen. I feel so hopeless questioning God why? Why I can’t get out in such condition. I told Him that my faith was intact before everything happened. Asking Him why He and the medicines can’t heal me? I came to the point that I question His existence. Is He true or just a myth passed by generations to generations. Hopelessness overcomes my body and my soul all the feeling that I feel is worst I can’t even explain. Suicidal thoughts never leave my mind. And one afternoon I decided to end my life. I took all the pill that I have, but my parents quickly found out that I took all my medicines. Pooooof! I was given my “second life” but I’m not happy. I blame my self that if I planned it well everything will be smoothly done. How many times I planned to end my life until now. In the middle of my treatment, I experience horrible things almost everyday panic attacks makes me feel that I will succeed in taking my life but after how many minutes it will stop and it only adds to my miseries. Hallucinations every night seeing things that I am the only one who can see it, hearing that I can only hear additional to my miseries. Dizziness worsen, abdominal pain occurred another additional to my misery. I thought that month will be the end of my life or my life will end soon. We told my psychiatrist about it and it was because of the medicines and she again changes my medicine.

Until now still trial and error in my medicines. Until now I’m still seeing a psychiatrist. Until now I admit I’m not okay and it hurts me thinking that until now I’m suffering from it. Until now I’m in pain thinking that I need to consider the feelings of others before mine because I don’t want them to be hurt. I’m still in pain that I can’t still freely say what I truly feel because I will disappoint my family and other people who thinks that I’m already okay. Every time I told my psychiatrist about that, I’m crying. She always told me to put my self first but still I can’t. I’d rather carry the misery and pain that I feel in order not to be burden and not to add to their problems. Until now, I’m holding on tightly but the pain becomes deeper. It’s like I’m holding on into something’s broken that every time I’m holding it tight the wound become more painful. I am now an expert in wearing a mask, a mask that can hide what I truly feel inside. A mask that is smiling and having a sign “I’m okay” where in fact I’m not. Until now I am battling for it.

Having a depression is not easy, it’s like you’re in hell, in torment but harder since you’re alive. And those words said by the people who do not understand what depression is, that will only worsen the situation. Better not to speak. Depressed people don’t need suggestions sometimes that will only add to their misery and realization that they are useless and worthless and pushing them to commit suicide. Depression is not a normal sadness that a person can feel it is more serious.

Depressed people are very sensitive especially to the words that are said into them. Words that you think can cheer them up. Words that you think can lessen their burden. Words that can lighten up, their souls. Those words will just worsen things. Believe me, I heard all those suggestions, word of wisdom everything but it only worsen my feeling. Thinking that no one really understands me. Thinking that you’re not in my situation. Thinking that if you’re in my situation you will understand me. Those words are easily said but if you’re in the situation you can’t apply those things. They will always tell me to stop thinking, how can I stop that? Yes, overthinking will make you crazy. Thinking the past, the present and the future. Those insensitive words that are said by others keep repeating in my mind.

All we want is someone who will listen. We need it someone who will believe in us. Someone who will fully understands and accepts us.

Stop blaming, ridicule those who commit suicide. Stop making fun and judging people who are seeing a psychiatrist. Instead help those depressed people by listening and showing that you understand them.

Depression is serious matter. Depression can kill. Mental illness is a serious matter. Spread mental health awareness. People should understand more about it. Mental health is important.