Do you like the person you love?

"Introduce yourself. How will you describe yourself? " - I beam from within (like a child who gets the exact question from the bare minimum syllabus they studied for in the previous night); I take a pause, look at my interviewer's piercing eyes and try to act as natural as my "no-makeup makeup" look. All participants of the rat race know that it's  a 100 $ question, which can make or break my chances at securing the job, and it's a question I have an answer for at the tip of my tongue, because I have rehearsed the answer line by line numerous times, and if I fumble at this then even Bloody Mary would herself come out of the mirror and strangle me for being so incredibly stupid.

So I blabber a '20 marks' answer for a '5 marks question' comprising of - my birth details and how my skills are as precious as -of the Egyptian labourers who built the pyramids and would be highly obliged to be killed if necessary after my hardwork, and would die a wasteful death otherwise without that prestigious position' -  and then paused again, now feeling like an intelligent parrot.

In my real life, when asked the same by a person  who was trying to flirt with me- I blabbered, tongue tied. My thoughts went into a whirlwind. Slowly, I started to try and understand what kind of a person I am. I brooded for hours and I didn't like what I observed. Somedays I was incredibly satisfied with myself, my reactions, my timely and sharp retort to bullies ;and I danced in my room. Somedays, I would be at my absolute worst, judging myself, feeling worthless, that I deserve to get bullied, I don't deserve nice things or people in life, feeling heavy and sick to my stomach. Such contradictory feelings about myself made me feel like a retard, still does. I felt like I don't fit anywhere. How can someone know me when I am unable to know myself? Plenty of people love me but do they actually like me?

Now your turn : Do you like the person you love?  Unless they agree to fix themselves for you? And when they fix the bits they can- for the better- great! but does it bother you that there are still some parts that they can't/won't fix? We expect too much don't we? Especially from others. At least that's my toxic trait.
How are each of us so similar, yet so different? What makes us US? Once I heard from an acquaintance about how he thinks each individual actually develops into a unique being, they grow through what they go through.  And I was in awe of him for such an eye opening mindset.

I'll try to frame this to the best of my abilities, plainly - We all are made of our experiences since the day we are born, it moulds our personalities into what we are today. It's impossible for me to be able to describe an event that happened when I was a child or even now as an adult. How did I feel. Who did what. How I thought I had cancer when I got my 1st period. Who made me the happiest. Who abused me. Why someone was my favorite teacher. How my heart broke. The smell of the sweet my old neighbor used to cook. How I switch between being Annabelle and Barbie like a psycho and why.

My point is : Even though YOU are listening, and I am trying to use the best ways, the best words in the best language that I know, to keep you engaged and try to make you feel EXACTLY how I had felt all those years ago, I can't. I fail miserably. Maybe you are half interested to know, because I am not worth knowing, Maybe you are interested but I am unable to do justice to my narrative. Maybe I don't want to tell you even if you want to know because I think you wouldn't get it and you are not worth it.
It's not your fault and it's not my fault. I do the same to you. It's the most basic human flaw that we cannot fix.

NO ONE can be understood by anyone fully. Not even a mother.
We try, but we are incapable. My sibling who was with me throughout the yesteryears, has different feelings about the same incidents and has no clue how I felt. I have no idea what she felt either. My family doesn't know what significant events made me turn out to be like what I am now. I can never ever understand my parent's perspectives fully. Why I distance people or embrace them. My friends won't know what happened - for me to give a reaction that's different than what they expected. My triggers and their causes.

Fact is we ALL are at both ends of the wobbly bridge. All misunderstood at some point. We try to understand, and when we don't,  then we judge others to subconsciously make ourselves feel better for our inability to fully fathom the situation because we only know what we think ought to be true. What if we decide to respect each other as we do not have the ability to judge based on incomplete data? Our reactions will always be different to the same thing, and that's okay. We are what we feel and what we do. Just mortal humans, nothing too fancy, are we?
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