Body Shaming
(noun)
1.the action or practice of humiliating someone by making mocking or critical comments about their body shape or size.
(adjective)
1.expressing mockery or criticism about a person's body shape or size.
"Child you sure you want to eat that?” is a question that has bewildered me and I believe for a lot of other people as well for the longest of times. This is a question that is asked by a variety of people- old and young, male and female, fat and thin. And yet after 13 years of trying to understand what could be a possible answer, I have no answer to give.
I am an 18-year-old girl who lives away from home. My body structure and weight has changed in countless ways. And thus I have fought against body shaming for way too long and continue to do so.
It is a general notion to not use the word 'fat' in front of a person who well is fat because our society has always been about 'softening the blow'. Terms like ‘healthy’ ‘chubby’ ‘plump’ ‘a teddy bear’ ‘your body structure is just unique’ etc are used to explain the very same concept which could be otherwise covered in a single term. When I was a lot younger I always thought that it was cute when someone would call me chubby. However as I have grown up everybody seems to be particularly concerned.
I do not speak for a large crowd or represent any set but I do know this that there are a lot of similar experiences that we, ‘the healthy people’, go through. Let it be in the areas of dealing with family and friends, convincing yourself that you aren’t ashamed of being fat or just plain blunt hurt self-respect and love.
My passion for writing this piece came about after an acquittance messaged me one day stating that I sort to change the way I look and I quote- “Do yourself and the world a favor and be ashamed of being an overweight beast.” Pretty strong eh? Irrespective of what sentiment it held, that night at 1130 pm I was made aware of the inferiority that is faced by us. Never before this had I been body shamed in such direct manners and made to feel small, even though in all literal sense I'm not. For those split seconds I completely loathed the way I looked. My roommate then came to my rescue reassuring me that whatever that person had said was nothing but a symbol of their low self-esteem and their want to defeat people. Not that it matters but this person is a boy and is super skinny- which also made him believe that he was a lot more desirable than me. I was quick to rebuke him and tried to make him aware of the consequences of his words but he was an ignorant man, and sadly I guess he always will be.
I studied in an all-girls school. The school in all its effect was a fabulous institution. The people in it were a completely different story. I am no longer in touch with a single soul of that school, a place where I spend 8 years of my life. The reason you wonder? Well, I could never form a bond with anyone. I believe you would be wondering how that is connected to being fat? It isn’t, but indirectly it is in a lot of ways. I was the goalkeeper of the school football team and there were numerous times when I was told that it was best for me because of my built. There are voices of people that still ring so clearly in my head till date, one of them being when my coach asked me to buy shorts from a shop outside because the ones made for the school jersey were too tight for me, a remark made in front of my entire team. I have been excluded from parties only because I didn’t ‘fit’ into the group and I have been left alone on the day of celebration because I couldn’t run fast enough. Girls had boys to gossip about and I had none to even flaunt. What happens when you're friends with someone who is thin and yet talks about wanting to get thinner? Your self-esteem goes for a toss because you begin to wonder and question yourself about the fact that how are you happy with a body like that?
There are so many incidents about which I could go on and on. However, when I had decided to write this piece I asked around for stories of anyone who had faced such a kind of an issue. And to my surprise, I had a couple of people who have come forth and told me their stories. There are so many ways that people go through body shaming in that it truly makes me sad. Their stories made me realise ,and i hope they help you too, to realize that the concept is restricted to no gender and age.
I have a friend, he’s 25 years, who reached out to me and told me that he had always been sought out to be inferior and weak only because of his slim body structure. He now identifies himself as queer and non-binary. He told me some pretty frightening experiences. For you to understand the essence of the story I shall put down his words because I believe no one explains it better than them.
“I suffer from Clinical depression and I use to binge eat a lot due the same! I gained a lot of weight and I was deemed as Chubby as common in the queer culture. I faced so much rejection in past 2 years because of the same. I used to starve myself even to the extent of purposely not eating. I stopped eating and the harm was taking shape. I would go gluttonous when I could not deal with this rejection phase. I got body shamed by people including being said that I overeat and I am greedy.
To take matters into my terrible hands I forced myself to puke. Causing sudden weight loss. I joined a gym so I can feel accepted in the queer community but soon realized that even skinny people face issues. Presently I am suffering from severe weight loss and loss of appetite due to the fear of excessive eating and gaining weight. I lost about 6 kgs in 2 weeks. These days my metabolism has become weak and I have turned more tired and that’s quite visible. Even though that’s happening I am not comfy with the weight and would want to shed weight in a healthy way.”
He then went on to tell that he never got treated for depression because his family does not believe in 'mental illness' and thus he lives with it. He gets up every day because of the people who accept him and make him believe he is beautiful the way he is and I could not agree more. He is an inspiration to us to realize that we fight a battle with ourselves before we fight one with the outside world. He makes us realize that in the journey to discover yourself you will fall and be hurt and be called names that would make you hate yourself even more but you must push yourself through it because no one else will do it for you.
While I was lost in his story I had another acquaintance reach out to me stating that she really wanted her voice to be heard. She told me that throughout her life there have been people who have nagged her and called her names only because she is a lot taller and broader than a girl her age, she is 20 by the way.
She told me that her parents never accepted her for one, her physical identity as well as her sexual preference. She stated that she had tried to self-harm a couple of times to get away from all the noises and the bickering. She wanted to end it all. She cut herself on her arms and -wrote- ‘I want to die.’ This was all because she was sexually abused when she was younger by her step farther and thus she could never see herself in the eye. There were stories spread around in college about her being pregnant and that she sleeps around with people which ultimately led to her quitting and start working. However, it was never over. People everywhere talked things about her which made her realize that no matter how much she tried she would never be ‘one of them’. She ended up in depression and binge eating. However, she found someone on the way, a friend who accepted her for what she truly was. Someone who didn’t need any explanation and justification for what she was. She was thus eventually able to pull herself through it.
She still has the scar on her hand. She makes it a point that whenever she feels low and thinks about doing anything again, she sees it and reminds herself to not make the same mistake. She now knows that she is bold and beautiful. And everything that she said about growing up and being free was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard.
The last person to reach out to me was a rather dear and close friend of mine. I had always known about it but I had never known the intensity of it until now. I shall let her words speak. Here they are-
“I don't like talking about my weight.
I haven't checked my weight in over 2 years now.
The reason I have decided to open is a conversation I had with my mother this morning.
"How is your health?", she asks casually, referring to the unbearable pollution and heat of Delhi.
"I'm in tip-top shape! Don't worry.", I laugh, trying to put her mind at ease.
I expect her to laugh too, or maybe smile faintly at her daughter's feeble attempts at lying. Instead, I hear a scoff. She adds quite harshly, laughing as she mocks me, "What shape are you talking about? You're as fat as a tire."
Truth is, my parents are possibly the most critical about my weight. But to truly explain what I mean, to truly tell my story, I must begin at the beginning: 9th standard in Pune city. Before that, I don't remember thinking about how fat or thin I was or remember any comments others made. It was only in 9th that my weight became a full-blown insecurity.
I remember having yearly medical check-ups in school. A few male doctors would occupy a classroom and proceed to mechanically check the height, weight, vision and dental hygiene of every student. All students present were forced into long lines and slowly marched towards that room of endless embarrassment and shame. The doctors checked our height and repeated it loudly to an attendant religiously noting it down on a piece of pure, white paper in indelible ink for all the world to hear and see. I shrunk in shame each time my weight was called out loudly. Everyone knows now, I would think. Everyone knew and I was embarrassed. At the end of one such session, a doctor sitting at the far end of the room checked my and dismissingly scrawled in my diary, in a large, loopy handwriting, 'Eat healthy fruits and vegetables. Exercise daily.' I did eat fruits and vegetables, I did exercise, but there it was, the truth staring at me plainly: I was fat.
Worse than the check-up was the questions by my classmates:
"Arre weight Kitna hai? Mera toh 54 hai."
"Nahi batana? Kyun? Itna zyaada hai?"
"Koi baat nahi yaar, bataa do, koi nahi hasega."
You might now argue that obesity is a medical condition that gives rise to other more serious illnesses but understands, my argument is not against these medical check-ups, or against good health. My argument is not an argument at all but is mere sharing of an experience, an experience that had become so agonizing that I wanted to hide each time these checks-ups happened. To hide, and not be found until the doctors had packed their bags and left for good.
From 9th standard, I became increasingly aware that I was not thought to be 'pretty', 'beautiful' or 'dateable'. I was just that plump kid with glasses who studied too much. There were thinner, more good-looking girls with better hair who deserved all attention. I resigned to my fate and tried to best accept my position.
The next change was towards the beginning of 11th standard. By this time, I had lost some weight. Not because of exercise, but more because of stress. Even though this was unhealthy weight loss, I only heard positive comments from relatives:
"You look thinner, have you been dieting? (ha ha ha)"
"Oh! You look nice. Have you lost weight? Great!"
My parents encouraged me too. "You can still lose more weight.", they would say.
I decided I must lose more weight and fit comfortably into society's idea of beauty. Who doesn't like being appreciated? Step one was, of course, to join the gym. So, I went to my mother and told her about my decision. She looked at me and only said, rather dismissingly, "First focus on the figures on your answer sheets, then we'll see about your figure."
I mean what? Just fucking decide. Do you or do you not want me to lose weight?
Truth is, every student in Class 11 and 12 must make many decisions about different things but it is an unstated rule that it is only matters of marks that hold precedence. And so, they did, I felt terrible about being dismissed so easily but I listened to my mother and focused instead on the figures in my answer sheets.
This brings me to the next chapter of this rambling essay. I began dating and for the first time in a very long time, I began feeling better and more confident about myself. Every time he asserted earnestly that he found me beautiful, I felt solace, happiness. I will add, however, that my boyfriend was really really (really really) fit and enjoyed going to the gym. I'd be lying if I said that I did feel a little insecure sometimes, but I think it's important to acknowledge (and be grateful for) this phase as one that was crucial to me coming to terms with my body. Call me vain if you will for wanting to hear wonderful things about myself, but it's the truth of how I felt.
I was mostly excluded from offensive jokes about my weight in Class 11 and 12, probably because my friends didn't want to hurt me, I don't really know. But every time another fat person in my class got called a "tank" or a "PMT bus", it would pinch me.
Once I completed my Class 12 Board Examinations, my parents pounced on me. Every second comment they made was about my weight. It was as if they were trying to embarrass me into losing weight. Soon, it was time to join college and all I heard again and again and again from friends and family was this:
"Arre hostel ka khana kha ke weight toh kam ho hi jayega."
I was tired. I am tired.
I never did lose much weight in college; hostel food is quite bad on most occasions and I just prefer to order some junk instead. Some days I'm so tired I don't eat at all. But I'm ending my narrative here, at this point where I'm too mentally and physically tired, to lose weight yes, but more so of just having to explain repeatedly that my worth cannot be determined by my weight.
Do I still feel like I need to lose weight? Yes, every day.
I don't really know why I feel this urge. Perhaps it's the same reason why I hid in bathrooms during medical check-ups, or why my parents thought ki weight loss kiye bina meri shaadi nahi hogi™. Perhaps it's the same reason why I try pose at a slight angle to the camera while getting pictures clicked with my much thinner friends, or why most films have actors and actresses who are thin (and fair). Perhaps it's the same reason we all laughed at Fat-Monica jokes in F.R.I.E.N.D.S and rejoiced when she lost weight and glammed up just to impress some dude. Perhaps it's the same reason why people go to the gym, aspiring to attain a body they think they want for themselves, but do not realize is an idea dictated to them by societal constructs of beauty and perfection (don't attack me on this, it's just an opinion). Even the concept of 'love at first sight' is all about these constructs.
I've vented enough, and I'm openly declaring that this is passionate, sad, pathetic, biased venting. The reason for venting is just one, to make you, dear reader, just stop and think. I hope I have accomplished that.
Bye!’
Strong words right. They hit me like stones. Sharp and hard. Unfortunately, it is the harsh truth. I spent some time trying to gather myself, thinking about how much it was that she has gone through. But she’s now away from home and has grown to love herself for what she is. The utmost beautiful daughter and friend that she is. I wish for her parents to realize that their daughter is a gem and what they care about and what they have done for so long is the worst thing ever. I hope that one day she shall have the strength to fight back and tell her parents to realize what it is that truly matters. Brains and beauty is a good combination but it doesn’t have to be the most essential one.
I have gone through enough of it myself. Family, friends, extended family. The list never stops. If I was to talk about my own experiences it would be something along those lines. However, I think it’s more important for us to realize that we need to love ourselves in the most natural ways. We need to make ourselves realize and accept the fact first that we are beautiful the way we are and nothing that anyone ever says should overtake your stand on beauty.
Irrespective of your gender or color or age, it's important for you to find the people who shall love us and nourish us through your journey of finding yourselves. The concepts of self-love and self-respect, no matter how cliched they may be, are and should be the most integral part of a human being. All the people I have ever talked to have always mentioned a group of people they are grateful for for literally saving them. It's essential for us to find them. But more than that we need to make sure that we never ever contribute to the likes of it. we need to make sure that we do not fall and repeat what we are trying to fight, we must make sure to stop even the slightest of remarks that are made be it a joke or what. We need to stop it before it grows out to something else.
It’s good to be fit and to get in shape is never a terrible thing as long as you do it when you are comfortable in your skin. You should never let the concept of body shaming be a cover-up for not putting in the needed efforts. It’s amazing to be fat and sexy and have curves. And, to be thin if that is what you believe and love. There lies a misconception that people who are super thin aren’t body shamed. Well reader, the terms ‘stick thin, will fly away with the wind, can’t lift heavy things...’ hurt just as much. I have never understood why the concept of a person’s ability is always measured by their body type and structure. That’s the outside part, right? So then why do we care so much about it? What is it about breasts and asses that is so inviting and revolting at the same time? Who in this world has drawn the line between the concepts of thin- perfect- fat? Who constructed this and why in this age and day and world are we still so adamant about following it? When will someone question this and correct this? We do not know the answer to these questions but only hope for us to find it a lot sooner before more people fail to realize what the elements of their integrity and strength are.
Hence, to answer the question I started with, eat that damn food item and smile. Because beauty lies in the eye of the beholder and you need to be proud of yourself when you look into a mirror.