That morning I woke up with a pain in my chest, a lump in my throat, and an uncomfortable lightheadedness! I laid still for a while with my eyes wide open but couldn’t manage to make a move. I stared blankly at the ceiling, the fan, the photo frames, the switchboard...everything I could fix my gaze onto for sometime. I tried remembering what I dreamt of the night before. Is this because of a nightmare? Or a tucked away wound finding its way back to my consciousness! I attempted to rewind the conversations I had in the recent past -- something must have triggered this numbness! I couldn’t find anything concrete.
The alarm went off. Time to wake up and rush to work. I tried moving again. Something pricked in my chest from the inside, so hard that I fell with a jerk. I didn’t dare to move a limb again. I lied on my side, staring at the blue wall, a bit too close to my face now. I started feeling nauseous. I tried to call out a name. I opened my mouth and tried screaming. There wasn’t even a whisper. By now I was convinced that I was getting a heart attack! Faces started clouding my vision. First, people I love. And then, people I feel I have wronged.
I wasn’t one of those who would apologize for something I did years back. May be I would smile to ease things, but not say sorry! That morning, I wanted to go back to every person I thought I had hurt and apologize. I could feel tears filling my eyes as I remembered the way I had dealt with certain situations in life, the way I had turned my back on people. One thing led to another and finally it turned into a slideshow with faces throwing their hatred at me. I shut my eyes hoping it would stop. And it did. But there was a loud noise inside my head, one that sounded like radio channel with a bunch of angry people shouting for a cause. I could catch a few words and recognize a few voices. In my head, I tried answering the false accusations, tried telling my side of the story, tried apologizing for hurting them. My voice was faint, but the noise kept growing. It was deafening now. I wanted to shut my ears but my hands wouldn’t move. The pain in my chest had become unbearable. I was trembling. I tried to moan… to move… to grab something… Nothing.
The next thing I remember is a warm touch on my waist. I turned over to see I was wrapped in the arms of the love of my life, sleeping peacefully. I look at his usual calm face, the one that brings a smile on my face every morning. Where was he all this while, I wondered! Was he in the restroom when all of this happened? Was he sleeping with his back towards me? Or was all of this a dream? I checked the time, it was an hour past my alarm. I was desperate to know if this was a dream or I really passed out after the vision. I sat up and kissed his face. He smiled. I asked him if I was having a bad dream, because on other days he could tell. He said no. I kissed his forehead and got out of bed.
The fear passed. The dizziness lingered. The pain stayed.
Ghosts of the past can cause severe physical pain, more than I could ever imagine!