Please make it stop.
Please... somebody save me.
Somebody... wake me up.
"Hugh!"
I shouted as I open my eyes. I am barely breathing and panting. I found my hands shaking and my legs are shaking.
My heart.
My God. This is bad. It is beating too fast that my lungs are barely catching up.
I am awake now. Relax... Breathe... You can do this... You won't die... Not now...
I put my hands on my head and I bowed down to close my eyes, trying to calm myself.
When I opened my eyes, I saw my bed and it is wet... I can see all the little raindrops.
Shit.
I woke up crying again.
The tears won't stop falling and are falling harder, instead.
Tears fell yet no sob can be heard.
I won't sob again. Never again. Or else I'll die. I'd rather jump off a cliff than sob or be heard by other people.
No. I won't allow anyone to have anything to discuss about me. I'd rather die than be the talk of the town. Not again. Not this time. Not anymore in this lifetime.
Trying to regain life, I wrapped my knees with my arms. I shut my eyes and let all the tears take their lonely drops in silence.
It had been ten years and four months since all these shitty nightmares started.
Sometimes it is someone chasing me.
Sometimes it is a crowd pointing their fingers on me and telling me how shit I am or how bullshit my life is or how much I deserve to die.
Sometimes I need to shout but no sound could come out like my vocal nerves were all taken out and were bursted out somewhere.
Sometimes I cannot see anything. The room is too dark and I can see nothing. However, there are voices everywhere. Voices that I couldn't recognize. Strange voices. I don't recognize the words and it seemed like they were speaking in strange languages.
Oftentimes, it is like this. It is the drowning. The thing I fear the most. It feels more realistic than any nightmare.
In that blue body of water, I can feel my body's weight. It is heavy and undetermined. It doesn't float. It sinks. It keeps on sinking deeper.
At first the coldness of the water covering my body surprisingly gives me a warmer feeling. I feel safer and calmer down there than being out there in the sun. The sun's ray is like a gunshot to me and everytime I see the sun, it kills me.
The water is different. It calms me. It sets me free. It somehow makes me breathe deeper. It gives me the assurance that I am safer down here. The water lets me hide from the danger of the sun. And it feels like night time.
The night. Oh my favorite time of the day.
I am the Theodore Finch of the outside world and the fake Violet Marckey of the generic world.
In other words... I am two people in one body.
I am two people sharing one soul and one heart.
So I don't mind being in the weight of the deep sea water even in my dreams.
It became my safezone when I was twelve.
However, when I was thirteen, things turned different and unusual. Things turned offbeat.
The sinking got deeper than before.
My heart started to pumped faster than it ever did.
My hands are pale and shaking like it can no longer reach the surface.
My legs are getting numb and exhausted that I can no longer move it. Not even the fingers.
My lungs started to lose all the air that remained in my body.
And when I was 20, my body feels weaker already that sometimes, giving up the fight is a better decision rather than trying to wake up.
And then all sorts of nightmare came along and joined the group of nightmares that tortured me.
A lot of times, I wake up at 2am with heavy tears and crumbling wounds, wrapping my knees like it is the only moment of my life and everything else that follows is death.
However, I never sobbed after I turned eighteen.
But this time, I no longer know how long will it take me. I am no longer sure if I can take all the fears, the trembling and the choking situations anymore.
This time, I want to gain my voice again. I wish I could still go back in time when the ocean isn't this deep yet and my hands can still reach the surface.
If I could back to the time all these shits started, I would love to raise my hand unto the surface of the water and do everything I could to rise up to the sun. I wish I could cry for help... but now I can't.
Is it too late? I wish it isn't but it feels it is.
My heart. Oh God.
And so I wrapped my knees and I bow down my head.
Oh shit. First in ten years, I wept.
I looked up with my eyes closed and I let all the heavy tears fall from my tired eyes.
Somebody...
Somebody... please take me out of the deep blue waters...
Somebody... save me...
Please make it stop.