At the Edge

My head dropped into my shaking hands. The monitor in front of me glowed ominously in the dimmed cockpit of his ship. I felt salt and liquid blend in my left eye, and wiped my face on my sleeve before any tears had the chance to fall. The wait was over - in a sense.

I just wanted to sit in silence (or, the best thereof, considering the entire ship lurched and beeped every second it could). I wanted to allow myself to take it all in. But, I thought, will it ever truly sink in?

I lifted my head at last towards the monitor before me. It was blank, but would soon be filled with words. "Charlie?" I asked. My question seemed to float through the ship, leaving behind a faint yet distinct echo. I listened to the remnants of my voice trail off into silence; I sounded tired. It had been a long journey up to this point.

"Yes, Captain Harper?" The artificial intelligence replied.

"Get ready to record a message for me."

"Distress call?"

"No. That won't help. Just a message I can send back to earth."

"Please hold."

I chuckle lightly to myself. It really had been a long time. Even Charlie was slowing down. It never usually took him more than a second to set up a message recording. Time had gotten the best of him, too.

"Message transcription recording ready. Say 'start' to begin recording."

"Thanks, Charlie."

I paused.

"Do you know what you're going to say?"

"What?"

"Do you know what you're going to say?"

"Why do you ask?"

"It's a big moment, Captain Harper. According my calculations and location and optical sensors, we're nearing the edge of our known universe."

"I know."

"The excitement levels in your tone associated with such an event as this, Captain Harper, are not matching up with what most others expect from a man in your position."

"Excuse me for not sharing your 'excitement level.'"

"You're excused."

"So the message recording is ready to go?"

"It has been for the past one point two six minutes."

"A simple 'yes' would have sufficed."

"Yes."

"Thank you. And I know what I'm going to say."

"Say 'start' to begin recording."

I inhaled deeply, filling my entire body with the stale air of the interior of my ship. I held the air inside of me. At last, I exhaled - slowly, at first, letting the warm air from within me creep through my lips. I held onto that air as if it were the last I'd ever have.

"Start."

A shrill BEEP resounded, and echoed through the hull of the ship. I paused for a moment, cleared my throat as silently as I could, and then began:

"Hello, this is Captain Francis Richard Harper of the Space Shuttle Outlast; NASA Orbiter Vehicle Designation: OV-106. Our mission: to rendezvous with MESUR Vespucci on Mars to assist with repairs and further experiment and explore the Martian landscape.

"We experienced multiple engine and circuit malfunctions while performing the duties we were sent to do: engines two and three shorted out due to unknown ailments. Engine one deteriorated shortly thereafter. Engine four..."

I sighed. There was a pause, and then I began again.

"What does all of this matter anyhow? There's no way in hell I'll ever get home again, so my mission report is useless. Just be damn well sure next time you send astronauts into space that you can bring them home safely again!"

I paused again. I felt my voice crack a little, and breathed a few times.

"Houston - or whoever will receive this broadcast - I am the sole survivor of the Outlast. There were five other crew members with me: Jane Stallone, George McFahey, Hank Jeffreys, Melanie Crawford, John Jacobson.

"While in orbit over Mars, Hank Jeffreys and Melanie Crawford, our chief engineers, were sent outside for a space walk to see if they could identify the problems with our engines - we didn't think the issues were malfunctions from within the ship. They were tethered to the ship and everything was going fine, until suddenly, and for some God-forsaken reason that I have yet to figure out, the engines came to life - for just a split second. Long enough, though, to...cook Hank and Mel.

"None of us knew what had caused the engines to burst to life, because none of us had touched any controls. And it took us a long time to get over their deaths. We had a memorial service as best we could.

"And then dissension and depression within the ranks set in. Jane committed suicide and George tried to kill me. I had to put him down. I have another man's blood on my hands. But you can't arrest me, because light years away by now."

I took a deep breath, letting that last phrase sink in. I was beginning to full understand that I could say and admit to anything, and no one could do a thing about it. It was a hollow power that only I could take pride in. And then I remembered my family - any fragments of memories I could still piece together, that is. Then again, it had been 20 years since I last saw them.

"Enough about me, though. I'm going to say something to my family right now, Houston. If you could send this next part to them, I'd greatly appreciate it."

I paused once again, collecting my thoughts. "Hello, my sweet family. Sharlene, I love you so much. I miss you...so, so much. It's been such a lonely 20 years, stuck in space. I'm alive, though - for a how much longer, I don't know. I want you to know, though, that I have never once stopped thinking about you. In my dreams, in my thoughts.

"How are the kids? Thomas? Caroline? Gosh, they must be..." Tears were falling down my face. "They're in their 30s. Oh my God...oh my God! Are they still here? Are they happy? Are they alive? Sharlene, I'm so sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry I left in the first place! I miss you all so much!"

I let the tears fall where they may. The only sounds audible in the cockpit were those of my whimpering and weeping. I coughed, wheezed, and struggled to breathe for a few solid minutes. After a little while, I tried to calm down. My breaths became regular once more, and the tears began to dry up. I returned finally to my recording.

"I need to wrap this up. My ship only has enough power to send one last transmission to earth.

"Well, Houston, what else should I say? It's beautiful. Here, in space. Even the edge of our known universe, as ominous and scary as it may seem, is simply gorgeous. I have never seen anything more beautiful in my entire life. And, it's taken me a long time to reconcile with this, but - I think I've finally come to terms that I will die out here. And that's okay. I will be able to rest in peace among the stars. In the words of Spock, I suppose, may you all continue to live long and prospered.

"And, with it all said and done, I believe I have lived long and, against all odds, prospered. This is Captain Francis Richard Harper, in his last transmission. God bless and keep you all. Over and out.

"End recording, Charlie."

"Recording terminated. Saved. Transmit?"

"Transmit."

"Recording sent."

I breathed a sigh of relief. I felt like I could cry some more, but no tears could fall right now. That was fine with me. I laid my head against the back of my chair and looked out cockpit window and into space. It was the first time in a long while that I had actually just looked into the great unknown just to experience it's majesty. I did not, at first, go gently into this good night, but I was now.