ELEVEN INCHES

Chapter 1

I am Myla Trinidad, twelve years old, consistent top achiever and graduated as class valedictorian. Siguro noong umulan ng kabutihan, nasalo ko lahat. I’m a young girl with beauty and brain. People who don't know me would wonder if there is something about me that makes me imperfect.

Deep inside me was an empty  heart filled with envy to those kids with complete family; that they were lucky enough to have a father who carried them when they skinned their knees and a mother who healed their wounds by medicines. My parents passed away when I was still six years young, natabunan sila ng gumuhong lupa habang natutulog sa loob ng aming bahay kubo.  Ewan kung anong klaseng himala ang dumapo sa akin at ako’y nakaligtas sa trahedyang iyun. Ang saklap diba!  Pero may mas masaklap pa dun.

It was a windy afternoon sa malaking baboyan ng hacienda Chua. Nagre-refill ako sa mga empty water containers.

“Myla, how old are you now? You’re growing up more beautiful.” Mr. Niel Chua, he seldom visited the hacienda and if he did, checking his piggery would be his first in his list. Chua family was a well known millionaire in Davao City.

“Twelve years old na po.” I replied as I put the water hose over the hole of the container. I grew up with my grandparents who had worked for hacienda Chua  for how many years and were entrusted of taking care of the piggery, poultry and all the crops that was in there. My childhood life wasn’t all about playing with other kids. A hobby that made me a home buddy was to read novels that brought me to the world of fantasy while my real life duty was to help my grandparents in gawaing bukid.

“Everything has changed now. Noon, ang lugar na ito ay isang masukal na kagubatan. Ngayun, kahit saan ka lumingun, puro mga pananim na mapagkakakitaan ang makikita mo. Malaki talaga ang pasalamat ko nina tatay June at nanay Tere, magaling silang mangasiwa sa hacienda at may mabubuting kalooban pa.” he stood behind me squeezing my butt… “at magaling rin mag-alaga sa’yo.” he whispered.

I swallowed and my whole body froze as my brain tried to process what was the thing on top of my butt.

Sana butiki ito na nalaglag o di kaya ahas pero hindi eh, kamay talaga ng isang ahas na may malaking ulo.

It was a first experience having touched on that sensitive part of my body. The feeling was so strange and terribly scary. I tried to move away but his other hand landed on my chest, pressed it so hard against my innocent little breast.

Oh my… ang didbdib ko… alam ko ito eh, alam ko kung saan ito patungo. Nabasa ko ito sa nobela ng precious heart romance eh, yung babaeng ni-rape. Dios ko po!

“Sir, huwag po.” I begged and scanned the place hoping for someone whom I could I ask for help.

“Wala ang mga tauhan ko ngayun iha, lalo na ang mga lolo at lola mo. Pina-padeliver ko lahat ng inani na gulay at prutas. Kailangan nilang sumama dahil sa kanila ko pinagkatiwala ang kita ng mga maibenta. Matagal na ring kinakalawang itong armas ko dahil mag-iisang taon na rin akong biyudo.”

“A…ano po ang ibig niyong sabihin?” I mumbled and blood flow troubled through my veins for I knew where it will lead. And I was not wrong. He didn’t answer my question. He spun me to face him with lust all over his face then leaned across and kissed my lips savagely as it traveled down my slender neck. His breath smells an old dying moron! I pushed him away with all my power and cried out for help but it wasn’t enough and useless. Human existence was nowhere to find.

Mga puno ng mangga, santol, pinya, saging, niyog…tulong! Mga hayup, tulong… Oh, I mean the animals not the hayup who’s harassing me. Dios ko!

I freaked out and screamed as loud as I could. This demonic wrinkled face man had forgotten that I am a girl, not a baboy. He dragged me towards the empty pig pen that I’ve cleaned when the three month old pig was pulled out to be delivered to the buyer. The floor was still wet and the yucky smell of the pig’s waste was still in there.

“Maawa po kayo Sir, huwag po.” My voice quivered as I kicked my feet and slammed my arms towards him.

“Huwag mo akong pahirapan punyeta ka.” He forcefully lied me down and punched my stomach so hard that I couldn’t bear the pain, my vision went blurred ‘till I saw nothing but dark.

On that day, nawala lahat kung ano lang ang meron ako. My virginity and the two people that gave me all the love and care more than a parent can give. Naaksidente ang sasakyan na may kargang mga gulay at prutas kung saan nakasakay din sina lolo June at lola Tere. How I wish it was not them who were there during the accident, sana ang manyak na amo na lang nila ang namatay.

The sexual abuse he did to me was repeated, kahit na sa kalagitnaan ng pagluluksa sa aking lolo at lola. Hindi siya umuwi sa kung saang lupalop siya nakatira, nanatili siya sa Hacienda at isang araw ay dumating ang isang babae na sa pagkaka-alam ko ay bagong kinakasama niya.

Ang paulit-ulit na pang-aabuso niya sa akin, di naglaon ay naging kabaliwan na pauli-ulit kong hinahanap. It turned out to be a habit I couldn’t get enough. Instead of fear, an excitement was all I could feel whenever we met and two bodies became one. Sa loob lang ng isang buwan di na mabilang ang mga patagong pagkakamali namin, alam kong may kinakasama siya but found myself submitting to him without resistance.  Hanggang sa nahuli kami ng kanyang kinakasama sa loob mismo ng kwarto nila. Agad akong lumayas sa hacienda at sumabay sa delivery track pa-Manila na may kargang mga prutas at gulay. Sa tulong ni Mang Cardo, ang driver ng truck, nakapasok ako bilang katulong sa isang mayamang negosyante na minsan ring naging buyer ng mga prutas at gulay para sa restaurant business nito.

*****

“Yaya pinapatawag ka ni mommy.” Jerson, the only teenage son of Borja family, I discontinued washing the dishes and scooted to Madam Ethel’s room.

“Ma’am pinapatawag niyo raw po ako?” Madam Ethel’s bright smile greeted me as she turned while combing her hair. Her white collard blouse inserted in a black skinny jeans paired with flat skin tone sandal indicated that she has an appointment that day.

“Congratulation Myla, nakapasa ka sa scholarship sa Ateneo de Manila, matutupad na rin ang pangarap mo na makapagtapus bilang guro.” Overwhelmed by her good news, ako’y napayakap sa kanya na siyang ikinabigla niya. I pulled myself away from the hugs and apologized, “Sorry po.” she could be thinking of me, being so casual to her, that I’ve forgotten my position as plain house helper. A plain… very plain house helper.

“It’s ok hija. Itinuring ka na rin namin bilang isang anak, kaya wala ka nang dapat ikahiya.” Her gentle hand caressed my hair and somehow my heart felt joy with tender loving feeling I didn’t fully experience from my parents.

“Salamat po ma’am Ethel, kung hindi dahil sa inyo, di ako makapagtapus ng high school. Paano niyo nga po pala nalaman na nakapasa ako?” couldn’t help my curiosity about the good news.

“Nag-check ako online sa mga nakapasa at tumawag rin yung paaralan kanina.” Si Sir Jaime na nakaharap sa monitor ng computer na nasa computer table. Hindi man lang siya lumingun, kaya hindi ko nakita ang expression ng pagmumukha niya.

“Salamat po Sir.” matabang kong tugon.

“By the way Myla, aalis kami ng anak ko, titignan namin yung hotel na pagdadausan sa 19th birthday party niya next week. Maiwan na kita dito sa bahay, andiyan naman si Emil sa labas at si Sir Jaime mo, may appointment kasi siya mamaya kaya hindi siya makakasama. Maghanda ka na lang ng hapunan na sakto lang sa inyo ni Emil. Medyo matatagalan kami sa pag-uwi.”

“Tatawagan na lamang kita sweetheart pagkatapus ng appointments ko para magkasabay na tayong kumain sa labas.” Madam Ethel scooted to where her good husband sits. I looked away so I won’t see their goodbye kisses.

Mga gorang na, ang sweet pa rin.

Madam Ethel still looks younger than her age and same as with Sir Jaime. The family has a restaurant business with twenty five branches in the entire Philippines. A very kind boss of mine in her forty’s was diagnosed with cervical cancer, so wala na talaga siyang tsansang magkaanak pang muli mula nang matanggalan siya nang matris. On the other hand, hindi na mabilang ang mga house helper na pinapaaral nila. Iilan na rin ang nakapagtapus sa koliheyo at pawang mga professional na ngayun. In my case, it could be a different thing. I could sense that I couldn’t make it.

“Emil…” a manly scent filled in my nostril as I wrapped my arms behind him.

“Teka lang, hindi pa ako nakapaligo.” He chuckled as he turned to me.

“Pero hindi na ako makapaghintay.” I pouted.

“Baka makita tayo ni Sir Jaime. Sigurado akong hindi pa siya umalis, dahil natatanaw ko ang kotse niya mula rito sa kwarto ko.”

Emil was also a house helper, had work for how many years. Gusto man ng mga amo namin na pagpa-aralin siya pero ayaw niya. Sa edad niyang beynte syete, nahihiya na siyang pumasok sa paaralan bilang high school student. His family background remained unknown to me, it wasn’t interesting anyway. He always satisfied me with my cravings and that’s what I am interested about. Most of the time, it’s us who were left at home. Mr. and Mrs. Borja were too busy with their businesses while their son Jerson spent a lot of time with his ka-banda, he was a great guitarist and played well good enough, I saw him once in their balcony.

My intimate relationship with Emil started on the first month of working as a helper almost five years ago. The most devastating part of my life has turned me into a sex addict. I can’t live without an orgasm in a day. He was sexually active, aggressive, and never failed to bring me beyond heaven.

“Congratulation nga pala, magko-kolihiyo ka na.” I pushed him to lie down on his bamboo bed.

“Wala akong panahon sa mga congratulation.” I positioned myself on top of him. He smirked as he clung on my shoulder. This feeling has been a very part of my soul and it made me go wild and it drives me crazy. For the th time, we make out. Yes, we had it in any chance we could get, at the backyard, in my room, in his room, inside the comfort room and even inside the car of our bosses when Emil would be ask to clean it and no one else but us. The three storey modern style house was located in an uphill part of the village where neighborhood were hundreds of meters away, so the place was as peaceful as paradise where we could only hear our erotic moans.

****

“How long you’ve had an affair with that guy?”

How did he know about it? Hindi naman kami nahuli. Maybe nanilip siya kanina, that must be a live show for him.

“Wala po kaming relasyon Sir. Katulad mo, tinutugunan niya lang ang pangangailangan ko.” Porke ba’t nag-romansa may relasyon na?

“Hangga’t nasa poder kita, sa akin ka lang.” he held my wrist and dragged me inside their room.

“Pagiging katulong po ang trabaho ko dito, hindi bilang parausan mo Sir.” My eyes were on the floor as I knotted my fingers.

“Pero ginusto mo rin diba?” He tilted my chin up and our eyes met, his sight brought a fire that showed irresistible temptation that often led to sinful commotion.

“Siyempre naman…” I smirked and  his face which was hard, softened.

So where is that hardness now? Um… for sure down there beneath his trouser. 

“lalo na ngayun na gusto kong maramdaman ang mga balbas diyan sa baba mo na kumikiliti mula ulo hanggang paa ko.” Eyed him full of seduction.

“Yan ang gusto ko sa’yo yaya. Pero maligo ka muna, nangangamoy laway ka pa ng tarantadong boy na yun.” He looked away with his hands on his waist.

“Sabayan niyo po ako sir Jaime.” An offer that shouldn’t be refuse.

“Yaya, ba’t hindi kita matanggihan?” his teeth gritted, nangigil na ang tanda.

“Sir hindi niyo naman talaga gustong tumanggi eh, at ikababaliw ko ang matanggihan.”

We headed inside their bathroom. As I turned the shower to flow, he took off my clothes and so I did in return. These fifty-two years old was more like a father to me, but it doesn’t bother me at all.

Who says that old man is boring in romance? Well, not to this millionaire in front of me.

This amazing gray haired Mr. Borja performed so well like a rock star, an ultimate soul wrecker in bed. In every man’s success, there was a woman behind. To me, when orgasm has reached, there was a man behind… in front… on top… in any ways… iba talaga kapag mahaba-haba na ang nilakbay mo sa buhay, kabisado mo na ang mga pasikot-sikot sa daan, gagapang ka man, lalakad na normal, tatakbo ng matulin, tatalon ng malakas, humakbang na patagilid o patalikod, malayo man kahit matatagalan, darating ka rin sa iyung pupuntahan.

I breathe in spacious when he sucked every inch of my body, every bit of his teeth and each licked of his tongue were terribly mind boggling. He leaned me against the bathroom wall as the shower continued to flow over our flesh. My trembled hand led his erection to my impatient center of attraction. I pulled his waist towards me to let him know, how mad I am to let him intrude inside of me so hard, so bad. I wrapped my arms to his masculinity so tight and whimpered every pleasure he injected to my innermost.

“Mga bastus! Mga hayup! Mga walang hiya!”

Gosh! That was Madam Ethel.

Oh, ano na naman kaya ang nakalimutan ng amo kong ‘to?

Climax was near yet so far, her sudden return left me hanged on my orgasm which was more frustrating than having caught red handed.

“Sweetheart…” a shocked husband in panic grabbed the towel hanged near the bathroom door. “Hayaan mo akong magpaliwanag.” nakatapis na siya ng towel.

“No! Kitang kita ng dalawang mata ko ang kababoyan niyo.” Pulang-pula ang mukha niya sa pagkadismaya, ang mga luha ay nagbabadyang umagos sa mga matang puno ng galit at poot.

I remained silent and somehow felt a little bit shame, yeah… just a little. All I wanted was to reach my orgasm. Yung kalimitang nangyayari sa amin… yun bang achieve na achieve?

“Sweetheart saan ka pupunta?” Sir Jaime ran after his disappointed wife.

“Magpakalayo-layo… siguruhin mong sa pagbabalik ko, hindi ko na makikita ang pagmumukha niyong dalawa.” Not a bad news… like I said, I could sense that I’d be living one day and that has come.

Later, we’re not yet done, unfinished business is really a death to me.

Sir Jaime’s footsteps went back inside the room, my still naked body welcomed him outside the bathroom and our gaze collided.

“Let’s get this done yaya.”

Oh.. so we are in the same page.

We continued our acts of betrayal and for the first time, we did it on top of their king size soft bed. Most of our breathtaking sexual inhibition was in my room, in the attic or in his library room. Our forbidden partnership started when Madam Ethel was confined in the hospital when she was undergone operation due to her cervical cancer while Emil took his vacation to their province in Leyte. He arrived from his office and caught me in a very short shorts paired with a spaghetti blouse where my pointed little nip glued against the fabric of my clothes. I felt an arousal the moment I saw he glared at me like I’m naked. I don’t have an idea how many days he fasted for sex since his wife was hospitalized and to me since Emil was an ocean away. The feeling was mutual and the first day of our betrayal occurred on the couch inside his library room.

I left their home with the ten thousand pesos he gave me, knowing that it won’t be enough for me to survive, I had to find another job. I was still seventeen years old back then. Gamit ang birth certificate na pineke ang taon ng kapanganakan, ako’y namasukan bilang tindera sa isang maliit na RTW na tindahan. I had waited for another year before I could get a job with higher salary and complete benefits. Government mandated benefits, health benefits and even a friend with benefits. Syempre, di mawawala yun, I had a one night stand sa kahit na sinong lalaki na makapag-trigger ng kalibugan ko. You might wonder why I did not work in a club as a GRO. Well, that’s another story. That would be some sorts of responsibility where you are oblige to do even if it’s against your will. I don’t want to do that. I want sex in any way I want to any guy I like.

***

Five years had passed.

From a small RTW merchandise shop to one of the biggest Chinese mall in Manila, I’ve worked as a sales lady and had able to stand on my own feet and lived in boarding house just behind the mall. Dahil nga boarding house, marami kayong nakatira sa isang bahay. Minsan nahuli ko na naninilip ang lalaki sa katabing kwarto habang ako’y nagbibihis. What I did, pinuntahan ko siya sa kwarto niya at dun ibinigay sa kanya ang katawang hanggang tingin niya lang sana. Ewan ko lang ha kung may nakakaalam sa kabaliwan ko, pero wala na akong pakialam dun.

I looked at myself in front of the mirror hanged on my bedroom wall. At the age of twenty two, I don’t have an idea what achievements in life that I should be proud of. To pursue an education course in college was far possible. A failed sex goal to me, I wouldn’t be able to go to college and fuck a professor above his desk. On top of that, I preferred holding a penis rather than a pen.

Life is simply like that, pag hindi para sa’yo, hindi talaga mapapa-sa’yo, dahil kung pipilitin mo, masasaktan ka lang dulot ng kabiguan.

Nek, nek mo… education is always a destiny to everyone. Ikaw lang yung lumilihis ng daan.

Hindi ko pinipilit ang sarili ‘pag di ko kaya, pero pipilitin ko talagang gagapangin ang kung ano man iyang nasa pinakailalim ng bawat pantalong makasalanan,  para abutin ang nakalambiting katigasan.

Isa lang kasi ang nalalaman mong goal sa buhay… sex goal… sex goal… sex goal…

I never ask myself on what I can do to help my country, to fight terrorism, corruption and violence. Why should I stress myself about that matter? That’s the issue made by government officials and that is the issue needs to be resolve by government officials. Period.

You can’t even help yourself to fight temptation to avoid sinful action, Government Issue pa kaya? Hay naku Myla, manahimik ka na lang kasama ang kalibugan mo.

I never ask myself about an ideal man. That is just for perfectionist who dreamed for a happy ending love story. As long as the guy I met comes with a hard tail that could rolled my eye balls behind my head, that’s all and that’s it.

Yes, you never asked but you had it all, and almost all at once.

Everything has an exception especially when someone won’t meet your expectation that could give you a deserving satisfaction.

“Myla hindi ka pa ba magbabanlaw? Mag-aalas kwatro na, may pasok pa tayo mamaya.” Cheska asked while she wrapped herself with a pink towel. We celebrated Christmas party in one of the high end resort in Manila, we had it at night since everyone could have a chance to gather after mall hours.

“Mauna na kana, susunod na lang ako.” She nodded and walked out. The numbers of men in bikini I saw earlier were the same as the number of shots of vodka I drank. I struggled to ease the illness that aroused deep within.

Kung sino mang Adan ang gumagalang nag-iisa talagang masasakal ng kalibugan ko ngayun.

“Hey sexy, mag-isa ka yata. Hindi ka pa nagsawang maligo?” a stranger from planet ewan.

“Nagsawa na, kita mo nga papaahun na ako sa tubig diba.” narrowed my eyes at him and saw how its glare widened at my hour glass like body where my precious private part were covered with white two piece. His Adam’s apple moved and same as with that groin in front of him.

Oh… so responsive huh.

“Kung wala lang akong asawa, papatulan ko iyang pang-aakit mo eh.” He smirked and rubbed his beard.

“Bakit asan ba ang asawa mo?” I raised my brow and stepped closer to him.

“Nasa abroad.” He replied.

Hmm… no worries naman pala ang show.

He seemed being glued to his position, not even a single step backward happened when I came across and traced my fingers on his bounty abs as our bodies were an inch apart. The convulsive temperature all over my system gritted my teeth. I pulled him and headed behind the big rock beneath the cottage that we used earlier.

“Kahit kalong mo pa ang asawa mo ngayun, wala akong pakialam.” I leaned him against the big rock where water was up to our slightly bended knees. My excited hand pulled his unfaithful erection and I could sense disappointment but still I led it in between my folds. He thrusted in and out but I felt nothing. I pushed myself harder against him just to feel his manhood inside me but I was like a thirsty bitch that drank an empty glass. I pulled myself away from him and wore up my underwear that he pulled down ‘till my hips.

“Ano? Ba’t ka tumigil?” he complained as he held his mid finger size cock.

“Purgatoryo lang maibigay niyang popsicle stick mo. Diyan ka na nga.” I left him with his unerupted nono sa punso.

This can’t be, I won’t let the sunrise come without someone out there who could make me come. I found myself in front of the bathroom with my backpack where my clothes were in it. The door opened and Cheska came out, she wore a summer short and a long sleeve blouse.

“O, ikaw naman, bilisan mo, nagihintay na raw yung inarkilang van na sasakyan natin.”

“Pahiram ng towel , nakalimutan ko kasi ang sa akin eh.” She handed me her towel.

“Mauna na ako sa labas ha, maraming lamok pag dito ako maghihintay sa’yo.” She said as she combed her long wavy brown wet hair.

“Naku, kung sisip-sip nga ang lamok sa’yo, napagkamalan ka ngang bakla sa itsura mo eh, baka pati lamok mapagkamalang berde ang dumadaloy sa kalamnan mo.” I teased her.

“Akin na nga iyang towel ko. ” pagmamaktul niya.

“Biro lang nuh…” kakainis kasi eh.. nakakainis talaga pag walang makakatugon sa pangangailangan mo.

“Diyan ka na nga.” She walked away and made my way inside the bathroom when…

“Ma’am sa inyo po ba itong cellphone na naiwan doon sa cottage na ginamit niyo?” a guy in navy blue pants paired with a long sleeve white polo shirt that was inserted. The light was dim to where he stood. I was so sure that we were at the same age, and pretty sure that the phone wasn’t mine.

“Pakitingin nga manong guard.” I prepared the door for the dirty plan I had at the back of my head. I gave him the full view of my body, invited him to swim the pearl of the orient sea.

“Heto po.” He handed the phone but I pulled his hand instead, grabbed him inside the bathroom and we fuck behind closed door.

***

There was some time alone that I came up with the thoughts to settle down. I doubted myself if I could be a good, loyal and faithful wife to my future husband. I am not getting any younger, I needed to live a life where I could give myself a clear direction. That being human was not all about lust. Each one of us was born and has purpose. Though my heart pounded in every arousal and my brain freaked out in every orgasm, I’d still believe that there was a reason of my existence.

The persistent proposal of Luis gave me that mindset. Five years older than me and my long time suitor. He  was so good to be my other half and didn't deserve a woman like me.

“Kung sasagutin mo ako ngayun, pakakasalan kita bukas.” he always told me that. Kung sinagot siya noon, matagal na siguro kaming kasal ngayun.

“Ang bilis naman. Hindi pa nga natin kilalang masyado ang isa’t isa.” I knew him so well but he knew only half of my story.

“Myla, halos magdadalawang taon na tayong nagkikita, lumalabas at namamasyal, hindi pa ba sapat na panahon yun para kilalanin ang isa’t isa?” it takes forever to know someone flesh to flesh and soul to soul.

“Hindi mo pa ako lubusang kilala Luis at hindi mo alam ang kahapon ko. Hindi ikaw ang nababagay sa babaeng tulad ko.” somehow I felt a courage risen deep within. 

Telling him the truth would be determined if his feeling is true or not.

“Paano kita lubusang makilala eh hindi mo ako sinasagut, magdadalawang taon na akong nanliligaw sa’yo.” his love has gotten impatient, he waited long enough for my sweet "yes".

It’s because you’re better off be a friend of mine. I haven’t had someone who’s shoulder I could cry on, I haven’t had someone who treats me without any malicious glare and touch. I haven’t had someone where I could feel the beauty of life, the true essence of living.

I don’t know why but he was a person for keeps and not a sex buddy for a one night stand only. Knowing him gives me hope that I have so much more to offer than grinding and rocking on top of every guy’s appendage.

“Luis, bakit ako?” 

“I don’t know…” he was in the state of speaking English with his American accent that amazed me… “it was a sudden feeling from the day I met you.”

Yeah, I remember that day. He was alone looking for something in lady’s wear department where I was assigned and thought of him as a gay who might wear the silver halter dress. I assisted him and found out that the dress he bought was a gift to a friend. Physically attractive, his height made me look up at him like the stars at night, every part of his oval shape face seemed perfectly engraved, from his sweet little eyes, pointed nose and kissable lips were all adorable. A man of beauty and heart that comes with a smart head reminded me on how I used to be as a young girl, now I realized how much of me had lost for allowing past tragedy jeopardize my future. I wanted some change but I had hard time to start and how.

He came back the next day and asked for my number and the rest was history.

During our first date which was in a romantic restaurant, I imagined him with me on top of the bed, but conscience engulfed my dirty habits. Whenever we met, church was our first destination and that’s what made me hold back the urge of having him as one on the list of my fuck budz. There were times that it was him I imagined whenever I make out with other guys.

“Myla, I don’t mind whatever your past is. All I need is you with me today, tomorrow and for the rest of my life.” oh, such a beautiful melody that penetrated my ears.

“Luis, hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin, ang totoo, takot akong maging akin ka, dahil kung ang pagiging iyo ay ikawala ng magandang pinagsamahan natin, mas mabuti pang manatiling magkaibigan na lang tayo.” I uttered and kept my eyes on the beautiful sunset as the cold sea breeze in Manila bay kisses my face with hope that it could be Luis was sent from up above to help me lift up from the mud where I’ve been lying for a very long time in my life.

“I don’t understand what you are talking about.” He glimpsed.

“Luis, our situation is like heaven and hell. Ikaw yung anghel sa kalangitan at ako ang demonyo sa nagliliyab na apoy sa kadiliman.”

“Whatever that dark side of your life then let me be the light… You know what, nararamdaman ko eh, your eyes don’t lie. Myla for God’s sake, it never crossed in my mind to give up on you and it will never happen. Kaya, maaari bang aminin mo na mahal mo rin ako?” pagsasamo niya habang iniharap ang sarili ko sa kanya.

“Hindi mo ako naiintindihan Luis.” I avoided his gaze.

“Mas hindi kita naiintindihan. Bakit mo ba pinipigilan ang sarili mo?”

“Ang isang babaeng tulad ko ay hindi bagay…” he cut me off.

“In what part na hindi ka bagay sa akin? Kailangan ba talaga na may chemistry ang dalawang tao para maging bagay sa isa’t-isa?’ Pareho lang naman tayong lumaki na walang mga magulang eh. Pareho lang tayong nagpapakahirap para maiahun ang sarili.”

“Hindi ganun yun Luis… kasi… hi-hindi na ako birhen.” Para akong nabunutan ng tinik sa inamin, pero alam kong may mas malaking tinik pa na nakatusok sa buong pagkatao ko.

“Importante ba yun? I don’t care, it doesn’t matter to me. Mahal kita maging sino ka man at kahit ano ka pa.” his eyes showed how much love occupied his heart and if only he has another one where he can put the overflowed emotion inside.

“I lost my virginity because…”

“I don’t care how and to whom.”

“Ginahasa ako Luis…” I burst out and cried just like when I lost my parents, my lolo and lola and when I lost my virginity. My voice broke out and I don’t know if he understood every word I said. “labing dalawang taon pa lang ako noon na ginahasa ako, inangkin nang hayup na matandang yun ang pagkababae ko, binaboy niya ako.”

“Myla…” I didn’t look up and found myself wrapped by his wide open arms as he kissed my forehead and wiped my tears away. Hindi siya lumayo, sa halip niyakap niya ako.

“Do not let your past ruin your future. Things that are not supposed to happen had happened and there’s nothing that we can do about it. We will just accept it and move on. I don’t have the power to turn back the time and fix it, you are my present and I want you to be my future. I can’t promise perfection but I assure all the protection you deserve to prevent those things from happening again.” He uttered against my soft hair.

“Luis, I’m sorry. I was just so scared to lose you but not letting you know how much I love you, would be the greatest lose than my virginity.”

“I knew it, ‘cause even if you won’t tell me, your eyes expressed all the love that you have in your heart. Move on honey and let’s get married.”

We had our civil wedding where we invited two of his close friends and mine was Cheska.

The night had come of making love and not making out. Our honeymoon for me was the first night of true romance in my entire life. As you know, all I had was very… very bad romance.

“You are beautiful in white.” His warm breathe whispered against my shoulder and kissed my neck that brought a tingled effect from head to foot. He pulled down the zip at the back of my white dress.

“That’s a sweet song I’ve heard before, where I didn’t expect you to give it a lovely meaning on this day that you marry me.” I said and my heart skipped a beat. That was the most loving words that came out from my mouth.

“Myla your English turned me on.” The silky white dressed dropped uncovering my body that seemed being grilled due to his burning touch. i could feel his hard erection against my butt. I swallowed hard and my innermost wanted touch what's beneath his slacks.

“Salamat at minahal mo ako.” I stared at his reflection on the mirror.

“Salamat at may isang ikaw dito sa mundo.” He replied and met my gaze. 

I turned to face him,  reached for his buttons on his white polo shirt and started to unbuttoned it as he unhooked my bra. His slow touch thrilled me in which I never felt before. My heart was in my throat and for the first time in history, I felt millions of butterflies in my stomach. The emotions that ran throughout my whole being is filled with passion and love which I never had ever since I knew about sex, it was all purely lust and aimed nothing but for orgasm and satisfaction.

I closed my eyes and bit my lip when he cupped my breast massaging it with tenderness. I envisioned myself on top of him but it seemed bound to happen in thousands of seconds from that moment. I wanted to get there but I couldn't  leave our position and missed out every sweet sensation of his touch and kisses. 

His lips conquered my mouth and it intruded inside, it tasted so sweet that I wanted to swallow every lick of his tongue. We moved ourselves closer to bed with our lips remained locked. We were both naked as we both lied down on top of the bed. I never thought of any beautiful romance like we shared. Every single moved gives friction of desire that brought voltage of emotions throughout our whole being. I so love the feeling where making love started from gentle caressed of each others hand, to delicious arousal that wets our points of junction 'till we intimately climbed towards the highest of high of the hill of climax. He was the man who uplift me into heavenly orgasm. 

Days and moths had passed, things between us were like viand that was repeatedly prepared every meal and part of me feels sexually cold to him and got bored.

***

“You’ve been half a year since you got married. How’s your life now?”Cheska asked, we seldom see each other since I got married. She was the only friend I ever had and it started when we both work in the mall. I always find it hard to trust other right away. Sounds hypocrite, right?

“To be honest with you Cheska, mabuti lang sa simula.” I smiled wryly.

“What do you mean? Hindi ka ba masaya, sinasaktan ka ba niya? Sabihin mo mapapatay ko talaga siya kahit sayang dahil ang gwapo niya.” Her armalite mouth was on false alarm.

“Lokaret ka talaga, hindi nuh.”

“Eh ano? Pinahihirapan ka ba niya dito sa condo unit niyo, ginagawa ka ba niyang maid? Pero naging maid ka rin noon diba, so ok lang.”

“Ano ka ba… hindi ganun. Super mabait niyang si Luis nuh, malambing, maalaga at pareho pa rin ng dati, maka-Dios. Minsan nga naisip ko, sana nag-pari na lang siya.”

“Yun naman pala eh. So anong problema mo?”

“Hindi niya ako napapasaya pagdating sa kama.” Walang kagatul-gatul na pag-amin ko.

“Dios ko day! Nakakaloka ka. Sa gwapo at napaka-machong lalaki nun. Paano hindi ka mapapasaya? Don’t tell me naliliitan ka sa armas niya?”

“M-medyo.” She clasped her mouth. “ I mean, he let me do all the work and that’s so tiring in my part.” ‘cause I used to have give and take exhibition.

“You mean submissive siya?”

I nodded.” Para akong nakikipag-romansa sa patay.”

“Baka naman pagod lang sa trabaho, alam mo na, manager siya sa isang restaurant. Eh alam mo na ang ganyang uri ng trabaho, napaka-stress nun. Ang negosyo at ang mga tao ang dinadala niya, nakasalalay sa kanya ang progress ng kompanya.”

“Hindi eh, kahit day off niya, pareho pa rin eh.”

“Why not tell him about it so he can do something about it?”

“Wow, English te?”

“Syempre, kailangan eh para sa future.”

(Doorbell rang)

“O baka yan na yung inorder nating pizza.”

“Ako na.” I walked towards the door and opened it.

“Ma’am kay Myla Cristobal po.” A delivery boy with a killer smile greeted me.

“Ako yun.” He handed the two boxes of Greenwich pizza.

“Anong apelyedo mo Jay.” Looking at his name tag.

“Marquez po. Bakit po ninyo naitanong?”

“You look familiar.” I gave him the payment and shut the door right away.

“Uy, narinig ko yun ha. Jay Marquez. Hiningi mo sana yung number para i-textmate ko.”

“Puntahan mo na lang sa Greenwhich.” I opened the first box and took out one slice of pepperoni pizza. “Akala ko ba pauwi na yung boyfriend mong Canadian.”

“Yun na nga eh, natatakot ako te.” Paarte niyang sabi habang kumuha ng isa ring slice ng pizza.

“Bakit naman?”

“Kasi sabi nila, malalaki raw yung mga alipores ng mga kano, baka kasi ikamatay ko, virgin pa kaya ako.”

“Really?” really about the size, not about her being a virgin.

“Oo, kaya bago siya dumating sa susunod na buwan, kailangan maisurender ko ito sa isang pinoy. Mas mabuti kapag pinoy alam mo na, kerebels lang siguro. Tulad ng asawa mo… alam mo na.” ginawa pang example ang asawa ko, kaloka na kaibigan.

“Saan mo nga pala nakilala ang Canadian na yun?” I asked while chewing the pizza.

“Nag-friend request siya sa fb, ewan kung paano niya nakita ang profile ko. Eh gwapo, kaya yun, confirmed ko na agad. Doon na nagsimula ang love story namin.”

“Ano’ng pangalan niya?”

“Darrion Murray. Teka lang napansin ko lang ha, ba’t mo ba tinatanong ang pangalan, kanina sa pizza delivery boy ngayun ang boyfriend ko.”

“In case of emergency. Walang ibang pangalan na pagbebentangan kapag napatay ka one day or mamatay tayo today sa pagkain ng pizza.”Napabulalas siya sa pagtawa, while I had an evil laugh at the back of my head.

***

“Bukas na tayo magpatingin sa doctor pagkatapus ay dediretso na tayo sa Davao.” Luis said as he tied his shoelace.

“Sa Davao?” I sat beside him on the couch with furrowed brows.

“Oo, bakit ayaw mo bang sumama? Takot ka ba sa mga terrorista doon?”pabiro niya.

“Hindi, may naalala lang kasi ako.”

“Ano naman yun?” he stood up and put on his black blazer over his long sleeve baby blue polo matched with dotted dark blue necktie.

“Yung lolo at lola ko.”

“Kung naalala mo pa kung saan sila nakatira, pwede nating puntahan.”

“Hindi na, wala na sila. Namatay sila bago pa man ako napadpad dito sa Manila. Diba naikwento ko na sa’yo yun?” tumayo na rin ako at humarap sa kanya at bahagyang inayus ang necktie niya.

“Sorry to hear that. Pasensya na, sa dami kasing inaasikaso sa trabaho, nakalimutan ko ang ilang detalye sa kwento ng buhay mo.”

“Grabe ka naman, baka mamaya niyan, tuluyan mo na akong makakalimutan.” Bahagya kong sinundut ang tagiliran niya.

He shook his head, ”That will never happen, I’ll forget everything but not you.” siniil niya ako ng isang matamis na halik. “mamasyal ka minsan pag nabo-bore ka na dito”

“Ok lang naman ako eh. Mas gusto ko sanang magtrabaho keysa mamasyal.”

“Sweety, we’ve talked about it already. I want you to stay at home and don’t stress yourself. Ayokong mapagod ka baka lalong hindi tayo magkaka-baby niyan.”

“Ok.” He gave me another quick kiss and bid goodbye.

My hand itched as I dialed the number and everything was all set right away.

Five minutes… seven minutes… ten minutes….

(Door bell rang)

I took a glimpse in the whole body mirror displayed near our bedroom door. I swallowed at my reflection with see through long blouse with nothing beneath on it that covers my private part.

It’s going to be a ham and cheese on top of the couch.

“Hi Jay, good to say you again.”

“Ako rin po Ma’am. Heto po yung order niyo.” Good thing he was so easy to seduce.

He must be drying up his mouth for sure. Panay ang paglunok ni pizza boy.

“Pakilagay lang doon sa center table.” I opened the door wide to let him in. The moment he got inside, something inside me ignited for the game of fire that made me feel hot. I closed the door and locked its doorknob.

“Jay, pakiabut nga nang remote control.” He took it from the center table and handed to me. I held his elbow and pressed it seductively. “Maupo ka, sabayan mo muna ako, hindi pa kasi dumating yung bisita ko eh, boring kumain mag-isa.”

He sat down beside me hypnotized by my erotic attire. I pressed the FFWD button of the remote control to fast forward the scene of the movie Cleopatra, and then pressed the STOP button when the bed scene appeared,

“Ilang taon ka na Jay?” lalo ko pa siyang dinikitan.

“A..am… ano po… twenty two.” Nauutal at pinagpawisan ang noo.

“May girlfriend ka ba?” I rubbed his chin with my finger and it traced down to his neck.

“Me-meron po Ma’am.”

“May nangyari na sa inyo?” my dirty finger travelled down to his chest and slid inside in between it’s collar.

“Wa…wala pa po eh, ayaw niya, takot siya baka mabuntis, gusto niyang makapagtapus pa sa pag-aaral.” I could feel his arousal as I encircled his nip.

“Nakita mo yan?” pointed the tv screen where extreme SPG happened.

“O..opo..”

“Stop that opo, I’m only twenty five and you are twenty two. Naranasan mo na ba yan?”

“Isang beses doon sa ex ko.”

I pulled out my hand and took one slice of the pizza, “Gusto mo…” brought it to his mouth, “… maranasan uli?”

“Eh ma’am, may edi-deliver pa ako.” I knew it was an alibi.

“Then deliver me first to heaven.” In fraction of a second, I pulled out all his uniformed he wore and amazed to his erection waved at me. That was the day where I received not just a pizza delivery.

****

I’m sorry to inform you, both of you has less chances of having a baby. Luis, you have less sperm count and your wife has retroverted cervix, she could get pregnant but it’s going to be difficult. There will be difficulty in fertility.

The doctor’s findings kept on flashing back on my head.

How can we be a complete family if we are both incapable of bearing a child?

“Are you ok?” he broke the silence since we got our sits inside the airplane which was bound to Davao City. He needed to visit his hometown for her mother’s death anniversary.

“How about you?”

“We will pray, we can get through it. With God nothing is impossible. We will make the impossible, possible. Hardwork is the key.” He smirked. Hardwork is the key your face.

`

“Sira ka talaga. Nagawa mo pa ring magbiro diyan.” I pretended.

“That is how I face the challenges in life. Nalagpasan ko nga ang lahat ng pagsubok noon na nag-iisa, ngayun pa kaya na andiyan ka?” he smiled fondly as he wrapped his arms behind me and kissed my forehead.

Oo nga, nalampasan mo. Kaya siguro pagod na pagod ka na sa buhay at pati sa kama para kang patay. Hmp!

***

“Ang liit nga naman ng mundo nuh. Hindi ko akalain na magkikita uli tayo Myla. Kumusta ang bastardong anak ko, magaling rin ba tulad ko?” he stood beside me in a balcony that faces the whole hacienda where I grew up with happiness and sweet memories of my childhood and also the place that brought a hell of my whole being.

“Matanda ka na, ang dapat ay mag-ayus-ayus ka sa pagkatao mo para naman baba-ba ang sentensya mo oras na sunduin ka ni kamatayan.” I uttered behind gritted teeth. Sadyang mapagbiro ang tadhana, minsan ang mga tao na bahagi ng ating buhay sa kasalukuyan ay may mabigat na koneksyon sa ating nakaraan.

“Alam mo, isa lang naman ang kasalanan na paulit-ulit kong nagawa sa buong buhay ko eh. Yung patirikin ang mga mata mo sa ligaya.” He whispered almost kissing my ear, nakakapanindig balahibo ang kamanyakan ng gorang na ito.

“Ang lakas din naman ng loob mo para ipaalala ang kahayupan mo anuh.” I narrowed him, malaki na ang pinagkulubot ng pagmumukha niya, ganun rin siguro ang alaga niya.

“Alam ba ni Luis na isa kang biik nuon na nilaplap ng baboy ramo?” naniningkit ang mga mata at mala-hudas ang ngiti.

“Bastos ka talaga! Alam ni Luis na ginahasa ako… pero hindi niya alam na ang step father niya pala ang hayup na matanda na sinasabi ko. Ano kaya ang mangyayari kung sabihin ko sa kanya ang totoo.”

“Gawin mo Myla, isa sa inyo ang uuwi sa Manila na bangkay.” He threatened.

“Myla..” sabay kaming napalingun sa may-ari ng boses.

“Maghanda ka na. Babalik agad tayo sa Manila.” He threw a sharp glare at Mr. Chua na mukhang wa epek naman sa matanda.

“Hindi ba kayo magpapalipas ng gabi dito Luis?” nagbabait-baitan pa ang kumag.

“Bakit pa, ang puntod lang naman ni mama ang pinunta ko dito.” Nakapamulsa siya habang humakbang papalapit sa kinatatayuan ko.

“Hanggang ngayun ba galit ka pa rin sa akin?”

“Hindi naman, sadya lang malayo ang loob ko sa’yo dahil sa inilayo mo ako sa aking ina. Hindi sana ako lumaki sa isang bahay ampunan, tumakas dun at nagpatuloy ang buhay sa lansangan hanggang sa nakapasok bilang boy sa isang butihing mayaman na mag-asawa. Sadya lang mabait ang tadhana sa akin, dahil nakapagtapus ako sa pag-aaral at umahon sa buhay.” Parang piniga ang dibdib ko sa sinabi ni Luis, ilang beses ko na iyang narinig sa kanya pero parang laging may kurot sa puso ko sa tuwing naririnig yun. Baka naman kinukurot lang ng konsyensya ko itong damdamin dahil sa kataksilan ko. Hindi siya karapat dapat na pagtraydoran ng isang asawang tulad ko.

“Ang hirap pala ng pinagdaanan mo, patawarin mo sana ako dahil nahihirapan lang akong magpatira ng anak sa labas. Bawat araw na nakikita kita mula nang ikaw ay isilang ay para na ring unti-unting pinuputol ang aking pagkalalaki. Hindi dahilan ang pagiging inutil ko para pag-traydoran niya ako. At ang katraydoran ay laging may kaparusahan.”

“Ano’ng ibig mong sabihin?”

“Nagkasakit siya sa bato. Hindi ko siya ipinapagamot at hinayaang magdusa sa sakit na nararamdaman hanggang sa namatay.”

“Hayop ka!” isang malaking kamao ang dumapo sa kunot na pagmumukha ni Mr. Chua.

“Luis… tara na.” I pulled him by his waist. Agad na nagsidatingan ang mga tauhan ng matandang manyakis.

“Palayasin niyo ang hayop na yan.” He shouted as he tried to stand up from the ground and wiped his nose bleed. Kusa kaming lumabas sa malaking bahay sa hacienda habang sumisigaw siya.

“Hindi pa tayo tapus Luis!”

We were both silent while we’re on the way back to Manila. When we got home, agad siyang kumuha ng alak sa ref at umupo sa sofa.

“Magluluto ako para makapag-hapunan tayo.” I stood behind him with my hands leaned on his shoulder.

“Wala akong gana Myla. Ikaw na muna. Pasensya nga pala kanina.” He said and filled the glass with wine.

“Naiintindihan kita.” I turned and stepped towards the kitchen.

(Doorbell rang)

“Ako na, baka si Sir ito.” Nagmadaling binuksan ang pintoan.

I prepared the ingredients for minudo. The whole room doesn’t have any walls that separated the living room from the kitchen. So if hindi lang ako nakatalikod sa gawing bahagi ng pintoan, makikita ko rin kung sino ang pumasok sa pintoan. His voice sounds familiar.

“We had our dinner in restaurant downstairs, so dinaanan na rin kita para ipaalam sa’yo na doon ka ma-assign sa bagong bukas na mall sa Makati, may bagong branch ang restaurant natin doon.” Natigilan ako sa pag-hiwa ng karne. Parang naninigas ang leeg ko para lumingun at tignan ang bisita ni Luis.

“Ganun po ba, walang problema Sir.” Luis said.

“Ok lang ba sa’yo? Medyo malayo yun dito sa condo mo. Pero alam mo naman na ikaw lang pinagkakatiwalaan ko sa tuwing may bagong bukas na restaurant tayo. Don’t worry, you will be assigned there in six months, gaya ng dati.”

“Okey lang po, wala akong problema diyan. Siya nga pala, ipakilala muna kita sa asawa ko.”

“Ganun ba, hindi mo man lang sinabi sa akin na nag-asawa ka na.”

“Eh, pasensya na po. Civil wedding lang kasi yung sa amin, nakakahiya naman.”

“Ano ka ba, para naman iba ka sa akin. You were once my son, remember that. Tsk..tsk.. may utang ka sa akin ha.”

“Myla…” I turned and boom! I was not wrong. Dios ko naman, sa dami pa ng magiging boss niya ba’t pa ang taong bahagi rin ng erotic journey ko.

“Si Sir Jaime Borja nga pala, boss ko, ang may ari ng JE restaurant na pinagtatrabahuan ko. Sir, si Myla po, asawa ko.”

“Myla! Such a small world huh.” he gave me a meaningful glare.

“Magkakilala kayo Sir?” the confused husband.

“Syempre naman. Naging katulong namin siya noon, pagpapaaralin sana namin siya noon sa koliheyo eh, kaya lang naglayas siya noon at nag-iwan ng sulat at doon na lang namin nalaman na binabastus siya noong boy namin. Mabuti naman at sa’yo siya napadpad Luis, at least ngayun alam na namin na nasa mabuting kamay lang siya.”

“Ganun po ba Sir.”

“I wish you both a happy marriage life. Alis na ako, baka naiinip na dun sa baba si Ma’am Ethel mo.”

“Sige po Sir, salamat.”

“Myla, masaya ako at nakita ka.” The way he looked at me never change buti na lang sa akin nakatingin si Luis.

“Sa-salamat po Sir.” Nauutal kong sabi.

Nang makaalis na ang dating ka-romansa.

“Luis… sorry..”

“Sshh… wala kang kasalanan, it’s never a mistake to hide your dark past, it’s just part of moving on and letting go of that painful experience.”

Minsan nasosobrahan na ako sa kabaitan ng asawa, nakapagtataka. Hindi kaya isa siyang anghel na nag-anyong tao para gabayan ako sa papaliko kong landas? He is closer to perfection, gwapo, mabait at maka-Dios. Isa lang naman ang problema ko sa kanya eh, sa tuwing magsisiping na kami, ang bilis mapagod, kapag tapus na siya agad natutulog. Nakakainis! Lagi akong naiiwang nga-nga.

****

“Friend ano ang gagawin ko? Dumating na si Darrion, pinapapunta na niya ako sa hotel na tinutuluyan niya.”

“Hotel kaagad? Hindi ba pwedeng, magkita muna kayo sa isang restaurant or mamasyal muna at kilalanin ang isa’t isa sa personal.” Ows, kung makapag-suggest ang santita parang santa.

“Okey lang naman sa akin na pupunta doon sa hotel niya eh, kaya lang…”

“Kaya lang ano?” she took out her phone and tapped the whatsapp icon.

“Heto yung message niya kanina na sa tingin ko ikamamatay ko.” She showed me the message.

Darrion Murray: Baby let’s have some lunch here in my hotel room. I’ll show you my eleven inches right after.

Cheska Harris: Eleven inches? What is that babe?

Darrion Murray: Come here baby, I wanna show you my eleven inches dick.

“Friend bumili lang ako ng ruler para tignan kung gaano kahaba ang eleven inches na yan. Dios ko, di ko yata kaya, dadanak ng dugo pag ganun.” Ang duwag naman ng kaibigan kong ‘to, yummy kaya yang kinakakatakutan niya.

“Bakit kasi hindi ka nagboyfriend para makakaranas ka nun?”

“Kung makatanong ka akala mo hindi mo alam kung bakit. Bakit nga ba?” tanungin ba ako eh alam niya naman kung bakit. This friend of mine tends to ask questions where answers would only break her poker face.

“Lagi kang napagkamalang bakla sa etsura mo, yung pananamit mo lagi kang napag-kamalang babaeng bayaran. Choosy ka pa pag may nanliligaw, akala mo kagandahan hindi naman.”

“Sige pa, patuloy mo pa iyang pang-iinsulto mo day.” she rolled her eyes…wala pang karanasan pero ang galing nang magpatirik ng mata, ano na kaya ang itsura niya pag natamaan, siguro, magmimistulang nakuryente ng high voltage ang babaing ito.

“You know, true friends will tell you the truth no matter how it hurts. Fake friends will tell you lies that make you happy.”

“Oo na, sige na, tama ka naman palagi eh. Pero ayaw ko munang makipagkita sa kanya. Paano ko ba sasabihin yun sa kanya? Eh kung ikaw na lang kaya, sabihin mo na friend mo ako, tapus sabihin mo na may emergency lang na nangyari.”

“No problem, ako ang bahala.” Ikaw ang kawawa.

***

Hi! This is Myla, Cheska’s friend. Just letting you know she can’t make it to see you, she got sick and she apologized for that.

Sent…

Maya-maya ay nag-ring ang phone ko.

Darrion Murray calling…

“Hellow?”

{Hi! Is this Cheska’s friend?} ow…boses pa lang malaki na.

“Yes. Darrion right? Cheska’s boyfriend.”

{Yes baby. Cheska promised to meet me when I arrived in Manila.”}

“Please understand, she got sick. She has to stay at home.”

{Ok. How are you?}

“I’m good. How about you?”

{I’m good now, hearing your sexy voice. Wanna go out for lunch with me?}

“Where?”

{Here in my hotel room. Come over here Myla, I’ll show you my eleven inches cock.}

Go out for lunch daw, eh sa loob lang pala ng room niya. Somehow I felt excited.

“Make sure it’s eleven inches. I will bring a tape measure. If it’s not, I will tie the tape measure on your dick and suffocate it.”

{Wow! You’re challenging me, you know.}

“Give me your complete address and room number. Give me twenty minutes, I’ll be there.”

I was like a prisoner who had escaped behind bars and went to the address that he gave me faster than a jet plane. I found the room No. 45 in 7th floor hotel building. It was a day where I didn’t recognize myself as Mrs. Cristobal. A woman in front of that hotel room was no longer the loving and faithful wife that the husband had known. Ang pagkakamali sa pizza guy ay masusundan sa eleven inches guy.

The door opened after the three gentle knock. A seven footer, semi bald, green eyed and masculine Canadian who had a white towel wrapped up to his waist boosted my arousal. His abs made me swallowed hard. May abs din naman ang asawa ko, pero hindi yun ang pinunta ko dito.

Cheska didn’t know what she was missing…

“Hi Darrion.”

“Myla right?”

“Yes.”

“Come get inside baby.”

I made my way inside his room. My eyes seemed didn’t want to see anything else but the bed.

“What do you want, juice, coffee, wine…” I cut his boring offer.

“Your eleven inches… where is it?” I took out the tape measure from my pocket behind.

“You’re so excited.” He smirked.

“I am fucking excited, pull down the towel.” He loosened the towel and it uncovered his manhood.

OMG! It’s biggest of the big and longest of the long.

I sat down at the edge of the bed that waited to rock by our bodies.

“Come closer, I want to know if you’re telling the truth.” I said and kept my sight on his pinkish and long erection. Call me crazy, greedy and desperate. But that’s just due to my husband’s failure to satisfy my needs. I put the tip of the tape measure started at zero inch then rolled it down to the tip of his rod, I could feel it moved as it erected harder. It measured 11.3 inches.

I had finally lost my morality but spirit of the sin whispered me that I just did what makes me happy and satisfied. I refused the thought about being married, the thoughts about loyalty and faithfulness and all about my dear Luis.

I thought that would be the end of my betraya but it was a thing that once tasted, always wanted. For me Darrion’s eleven inches was more than a drug. It was addictive and made me insane without it in a day.

Satisfaction is not a onetime offer that guarantees you contentment.

A day after our first met turned to be the first day of duty. It has become my daily routine. I woke up early to prepare my husband’s breakfast and his office uniform. Whenever he left home, I’d be in Darrion’s place and spent two to three hours with him doing nothing but fucking. When I got back home, I made sure to take a shower and do the household chores. Sometimes I ran out of time in which Luis caught me as a busy wife… busy-busy-han ang drama.

One day, m daily routine has rerouted.

“Subukan mong tawagin si Luis kung hindi ipapadala ko ito sa kanya.” Scandalous photos of me and Darrion.

“Hayup ka! Lumuwas ka lang ng Manila galing Davao para man-manan ako.”

“Mas hayup ka, dahil traydor ka na sa asawa. Akalain mo ba naman, si Luis na bunga ng isang pagtataksil ay makakapag-asawa rin ng isang taksil.”

“Ano ba ang gusto mo?”

“Ang maging parte ng pang-araw-araw na kabaliwan mo.”

“Siguraduhin mong hindi ka uugud-ugud.” At ang naudlot naming romansa ng kahapun ay muling nadugtungan. Tulad ng sabi niya, naging bahagi na rin siya ng pang-araw-araw na kabaliwan ko. Nakakapagod ngunit kailangan kung tiisin ang nangangamoy lupa na matanda para hindi lang mabisto ng asawa kong walang kaalam-alam sa lahat ng kataksilan ko.

Sadyang may mga bagay sa kahapun na muli kang babalikan na para bang isang malasang tinapay na hinahanap at inaasam-asam. Tuluyan na nga akong nahulog sa bangin ng tukso at nagpatianud sa rumaragasang kabaliwan.

“Sir Jaime?” my brows furrowed and somehow I felt another mistake is bound to happen.

“Myla… andiyan ba si Luis?” his eyes showed it wasn’t Luis he was looking for.

“Umalis na po eh, pumasok na sa trabaho.”

“Ikaw mukhang bihis na bihis ka yata.” He eyed me from head to foot. His sight pierced beyond my clothes and awakened my sleeping fucking system.

His beards… I missed how he rubbed it to my skin giving me chaotic pleasure.

“Aalis po Sir, may pupuntahan lang.” without any permission, he got inside, slammed the door and locked its doorknob. He held both sides of my arms and rapidly kissed my lips. I pushed him and distanced my face from him but he was so strong and even held me tighter. I totally gave up myself when his beards rubbed on my neck and my innermost asked for more. My arms volunteered and wrapped it on his shoulder.

“Nothing has changed on you yaya.” He whispered against my chest as we moved ourselves towards the couch. Sa couch na saksi sa lahat ng mga naglalagablab na mga sandali hindi lang kay Luis kundi pati na rin sa pizza delivery boy noong isang beses, kay Mr. Chua at ngayun kay Sir Jaime.

“Babalik-balikan kita dito yaya at alam kong di mo ako tatanggihan.” He uttered in a husky voice as he thrusted in and out his groin. Nod was all I could response, my mouth was wide open and cried out nothing but moaned of so near climax.

The intimate secret affair with Darrion had come to an end when he went back to Canada. Long distance interaction was not my thing and won’t give a damn on cam to cam sexual pleasure. I’ve forgotten everything that he was once part of my journey towards my sex goal. I had two guys with whom I had a secret bad romance in any day they will ask me. Lately I haven’t heard from them anymore. So strange and for some reason I felt relief, all the dark secrets I had and the demonic betrayal I did to my husband remained kept and hidden as deep as twice six feet below the ground. I continued living my life as Myla Cristobal, a full time wife, a loyal and faithful one.

Thought that was all. You can’t keep the smoke from hiding.

“Are you okey Myla?” napalingun ako sa likuran, si Luis.

“huh… napaaga ka yata sa pag-uwi?” takang tanong ko.

“I am not feeling well and think I need some check up. I’ve had this fever for a week now, pabalik-balik lang and so as my cough, ilang gamut na ang nainum ko wala pa ring lunas.” He loosened his tie as he sat down on the couch.

I felt vomiting again.

“Myla are you pregnant?” bigla siyang napatayo.

“Luis… nahihilo ako.”

“Teka lang…” He held my right arm as he wrapped his left arm to my waist and guided me through the sofa chair.

“Nagsusuka ka, nahihilo, Myla, senyales iyan sa pagiging buntis.” His face lightened up.

“Hindi pa tayo sigurado, baka iba ito, kasi pabalik balik rin ang lagnat ko.”

“We must go to the Doctor right now so we will know what’s going on.”

I can’t withstand to wait for the result. I asked Luis to go home right away after the laboratory exams, lalo akong nanginginig sa ginaw. We went home and I fell asleep right away. The last thing I heard from him was that he will go back to the doctor for the result. I’ve had this feeling for three weeks already. Hindi naman ako masyadong napagod sa mga gawaing bahay pero pakiramdam ko ay sobrang pagod ang katawan ko at nanakit ang mga kasukasuan. Sigurado akong hindi ako buntis dahil last week lang ako nagkaroon ng buwanang dalaw. Napapansin ko rin ang parami na skin rashes sa balat at pamamaga ng lalamunan. Hindi ako kailanman nakaranas ng ganitong karamdaman noon.

Madness was written all over the face of Luis that greeted me when I woke up. He sits on the chair across the bed where I slept.

“Luis… kanina ka pa dumating?” I slowly pulled myself to get up. He didn’t answer my question, instead he stood up and walked towards me and lit out a heavy sighed. He seemed tried to hold back his tears at bay.

“Myla… kailan pa?”

“A-anong kailan pa? Ano ba ang sabi ng doctor?”

“Kailan pa ako nagmukhang gago?” tuluyan ng bumagsak ang mga luha na agad naman niyang pinahiran ng kanyang mga daliri.

“Luis… ano ba ang pinagsasabi mo?” he unfolded the white paper that he took out from his back pocket, “Ito…” he threw it infront of me and it landed on my lap, I picked it up and read it.

No… kahit anong karma, wag lang ‘to.

“Ikaw lang ang naging kasiping ko. Ikaw… ako lang ba talaga? Myla, HIV positive ako at ganun ka rin. Ni minsan hindi ako nakikipagtalik kahit kaninong babae maliban lang sa unang babaeng nakarelasyon ko matagal na panahon na ang nakaraan. We had an annual medical exam sa company namin where HIV test is included, I never had positive result except this one.” Tiim bagang niyang sabi.

“Luis…” the moment of truth has come and I wanted to burry myself six feet below the ground.

“Myla, tinatanong kita, huwag mo akong sagutin ng pag-iyak mo diyan. Minahal kita ng higit pa sa buhay ko, pinangako ko sa sarili na poprotektahan kita para hindi na maulit ang nakaraan mo pero ano itong ginawa mo?” he pulled my hair at the back that made me look up to him.

“Luis…so-sorry..” hinila niya ako patayo at marahas na hinampas sa kama. Marahas niyang hinubad ang suot kong pajama kasama ang underwear. He crawled on top of me and took off my sphagetti blouse exposing my breast. I bit my lip and closed my eyes so tight to help myself out of the pain when he squeezed my breast as if he was squeezing a lemon.

“How many hands had climbed on this?” whimper was all I could answer.

“Sagot!” for the first time in our first year in marriage he snorted.

“Marami…” the pain was too much that I couldn’t handle, a heavy slap landed on my right cheek.

“Kulang pa yan Myla.” Another slap on the left, on the right again, at the left… my face kept on tossing and tossing by his slaps. “Para yan sa pagtataksil mo sa sinumpaan natin.”

He kneeled where my chest was in between his knees. He took off his shirt and threw it behind him then unbuckled his belt and rolled it half way on his right hand.

“Luis, maawa ka, ayusin natin ‘to.” I begged.

“It will hurt us even more if we will try to fix a broken glass.” Tumayo siya at bumaba sa kama. Nanatili siyang nakatayo na nakatalikod sa akin.

“I heard you and my idiot step father talked when we were there in Davao. I knew he was that old guy who raped you.” Humarap siya sa akin na nagtatagis ang mga bagang at nakakatusok ang mga titig.

“Nagkita kami kanina na parehong kumuha nang lab test result. Do you know what did he told me?” I slowly pulled the sheet to cover my naked body but he frightened me by his loud and angry voice.

“Ask me what!” sabay hampas ng situron sa binti ko.

“Luis…” sa sobrang hina ng katawan ko dahil sa dinaramdam di ko na maitayo ang sarili para maipagtanggol sa pananakit niya.

“Are you going to ask me what or I will tell you what?” he positioned his arms for another beat.

I shook my head as tears flowed like a river. He was not the angelic Luis I’ve known, he was like a half lion and a half monster who craved for a flesh and blood. I dropped myself and leaned my back against the bed when he beat my hips by his belt.

“Ang sabi niya…” another beat that hits on my private part, the sinful clit in between my folds. The pain was out of the world. I didn’t expect that he could do this to me. “…there’s no doubt where he got the HIV… he got it from you…” isa na namang hampas ng kanyang makadmeonyong sinturon na tumama sa aking puson. “..and you possibly got it sa Canadian mong kabit.”

Another one… two or three beats… ewan, sa dami, nakalimutan ko ang kasunod na tatlo.

Dapat bang latiguhin na parang hayup ang taong may kahayupang ginawa?

“Sige patayin mo na lang ako!”

“Talagang papatayin kita. Do you know why? Ask me why!”

Why?... I whispered to my dying self.

Hinila niya ang buhok ko dahilan na napatayo ako sa kama at kinaladkad palapit sa bubong.

“Ma’am Ethel called me when I was on my way back here. Si Sir Jaime hindi na lumalabas ng bahay nila para makatingin man lang sa mga negosyo nila yun ay dahil sa dinaramdam niya dulot ng sakit na sa palagay ko nakuha niya galing sa’yo. At naging sigurado ako sa hinala ko lalo na nang mangiyak-ngiyak si Ma’am Ethel na ikwento ni sa akin ang nakaraang kabastusan ng asawa niya kasama sa isang katulong na nagngangalang Myla Trinidad.”

Habang sinasabi niya ang mga nakakawindang na katotohanang nadiskubrehan, pinag-uuntog niya ang katawan ko sa pader ng kwarto namin. Paduro niya akong itinulak sa sahig. Nawala na lahat ng lakas ko, ni daliri ko’y di ko na maigalaw. Sigurado naman akong buhay pa ako dahil nararamdaman ko pa ang pintig ng puso ko at ang paghinga ko na kasing hapdi nang namamaga kong katawan lalo na ang pagkababae ko.

Naramdaman kong tumutulo ang dugo sa ilong ko at namimilipit sa sakit ang aking mukha dahil sa pagkalakas ng tama sa pader at sahig. Nanginginig sa hapdi ang aking binti, tiyan at mga braso na tinamaan ng mga latigo ng kanyang sinturon.

I could still see him in front of me holding… my vision was blurry but I knew what it was, ‘cause I used it to measure Darrion’s dick. Marahas niyang ipinatihaya ang nakabaluktot kong katawan.

“Do you see this?” inilappit niya sa akin ang bagay na yun.

“ I saw it inside your sling bag. Ilan na ba ang nasukat nito. Ano ang pinakamataas, huh? You know what, when you complained sa pagiging submissive ko, doon ko na-realize na isa kang sex addict. Ginawa ko naman ang lahat para mapaligaya ka ah, ikaw lang itong hindi nakuntento. Ang matinong asawa ay hindi humahanap ng iba kapag nangangati na. Ikaw… hindi ka matinong asawa kaya ito ang bagay sa’yo!”

The moment he tied the tape measure around my neck, I knew that he will choke me to death.

Isang malamig na bimpo na pinagdadampi sa braso ang gumising sa akin. Unti-unti kong idinilat ang mga mata.

“Myla… sweetie everything will be fine. Tumawag ako ng Doctor kanina para ma-check ka.” He reached for something on the bed side table. “Here, you take this pain reliever.” Inalalayan niyang maiangat ng kaunti ang ulo ko at pinainum ang gamut ‘tas sinunod ang isang baso ng tubig. I couldn’t look at him straight to his face. The physical pain could be bearable but not the emotional pain of hurting him, and what's more unbearable was the guilt for hurting him.

“Luis, akala ko patay na ako. Hindi ko akalaing magagawa mo sa akin yun, pero I’m sorry. I know how much pain I gave you and sorry is not enough for you to forgive me. Sana nga pinatay mo na lang ako.” muling dumaloy ang mga mainit na luha na dumadampi sa bawat namamagang bahagi ng mukha na kahit mahuhugasan nito ang sakit at maghihilum ang mga pasa ay di pa rin matutumbasan ang puso at kaluluwa niya na dinurog ng aking kataksilan.

“Ssshh..” his gentle hands cupped my face and wiped away the tears.

“Luis, why you are so good to me? I don’t desserve you and your love, like I told you long before.” He leaned across and tilted my chin. Nawala na ang galit sa kanyang mga mata, ngayu’y punong-puno ng pagmamahal at kapatawaran na hindi ko kayang tanggapin.

“Myla, I can’t forgive myself if I’d kill you earlier. Whatever we are going through right now are just the challenges we need to surpass. I’m sorry for beating you up, hurting you and putting you closer to death. If you will ask me if I can forgive you… yes I can. If you will ask me for a second chance… Myla, you have all the chances I can give. If you will ask me if I still love you… that’s always. Loving you is beyond words.”

His teary eyes made me cried more like a river. How come two different people like us were destined to be together? He belongs to heaven and I from hell. Indeed, our relationship was made in purgatory.

“Luis, alam mo kung ano ang hindi ko kayang gawin ngayun? Ang patawarin ang sarili ko at ang tanggapin muli na bilang asawa mo. Hiyang-hiya na ako, kung pwede lang, aalis ako ngayun at magpakalayo-layo sa’yo, gagawin ko.” Hindi ko na ininda ang sakit na nararamdaman sa buong katawan, pinilit kong ibangun ang sarili pero pinigilan niya ako.

“Myla you are not going to leave right? Diba sabi mo, maayus natin ‘to, then this is it, we are going to fix it. Just don’t leave.” I shook my head in silence for the possibility. All I want was to punish myself by staying away from him. It felt like he was a holy crucifix wherein it burns me if I'd get closer to him, that's how sinful I am.

“Luis, pwede mo ba akong yakapin?” for the last time.

His ever loving arms hugged my ever unfaithful body. I could feel forgiveness and acceptance by his hugs, his hands gently carressed my back letting me feel that if sick people needs a doctor, sinner needs Christ. I wast that spiritually ill sinner who needs a Christ alike mercy of Luis.

Oh God! Forgive me for all my sins but forgive him more for he allowed himself to get hurt by me.

“Ask me anything you want, I’ll do it. Please forgive me sa mga pagkukulang ko bilang asawa, hindi kita masisisi kung bakit nagawa mo ang bagay na yun.” His hugs became tighter. “I promise, I won’t beat you up again.” cried hard was all I could response, what would I say? I couldn't find such word beyond sorry just like my guilt was beyond that any repentant soul could reach.

“Luis…” hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin. Ako ang mas nasasaktan ngayun dahil nasaktan ko siya. Hindi kailanman maikukumpara ang mga pasa at hapdi sa buong katawan ko sa pasakit na nararamdaman sa kanyang puso. I sobbed all the guilt I had, my tears of repentance shed over his passionate and forgiving shoulder.

“Tell me that you still love me Myla." he whispered in a husky voice.

"I do." but I can't stay any longer. I must leave.

Luis,

I was so blessed to have you in my life. You will always be a part of me wherever my life's journey takes me. I know that leaving you would hurt you more, but that is the best thing to do. Kahit kailan hindi talaga ako nararapat sa isang tulad mo. Guilt would only kill if I stay with you. I dearly love you and just don't even understand myself how come I've betrayed someone like you. Kailangan ko lang magpakalayo-layo at hayaan mo sanang hanapin ang nawawala kong katauhan, at ayusin ang nabasag kong sarili at kaluluwa.

Only God knows when I will see you again, if that happens, I won't ask you anything but hope you won't forget me as your other half.

I love you goodbye,

Myla

I unfolded the letter twice and put it on the bed side table. It's 4:30 in the morning and Luis was still deep asleep. Dala-dala ang malaking back pack na laman ang mga damit ko, dahan-dahan akong lumabas ng kwarto. For the last time, I looked at the whole living area where sweet memories of me and Luis flashed back on my mind, those are the things I wanted to carry along with my hope for the better me in the future. It's gonna be hard I know but at the end, it's gonna be worth the sacrifice.

Being sexually addict is just like a drug addict. It never becomes a natural part of ourselves on the first day that we were exposed to it. Being addictive to something is a chosen habit and tolerated, to the point that it controls us instead of, it’s us controlling it.

The consequences I had for the betrayal I did to Madam Ethel, to my friend Cheska and most of all to my husband was far more than I was one of those drug related individual who were under attack of tokhang operation in our government’s war on drugs.

Hinabol ng kahapun at nahuli sa kasalukuyan. Pinosasan ng pagmamahal pero tumakas sa kataksilan. Kung kalian ako magsu-surender ay dun pa sumabog ang lahat ng mala-bombang katotohanan. Naiintindihan ko ang galit, poot at paghihinagpis ni Luis. Pero hindi ko pa lubusang maiintindihan ang kanyang agarang kapatawaran, ang kanyang nag-uumapaw na pagmamahal at kabaitan.

Committing mistakes is what makes us being human. It’s always a part of every person. We learn more and we grow from it. Good thing about it is, it is in our failure where we learn the best lessons in life.

However, a mistake repeatedly done for th times is another story. It’s not a part of you but you being a part of it. You’ll find yourself growing as inhuman and no matter how much heaven you’ll get, you will always end up in an agony in the fires of hell.

If you are secretly betraying the people around you, know that regrets really hates to be the first in the line of wickedness. He wants to be the last that shocks you with surprises. He always sets himself as much more special than peace of mind, change for good never exist and he always tends to distance himself from LOVE, FAITHFULNESS and LOYALTY.

Isn’t it amazing to know that tomorrow is another day without mistakes yet?

So why not stop betraying your spouse, your family, your friends, your neighbor, your co-workers, your boss, the company you are working for, your country and lastly…

WHY NOT STOP BETRAYING YOURSELF.