Entering My Infinity

Infinities are formed when people who share countless emotions in each other’s company, come into existence. They don’t need to be in love, they don’t need to kiss, they don’t need to hug, but they just need to share. Share every happiness, share every sadness, share every joy, share every grief, and share every emotion they feel.

I still remember the night I found mine. The night I really understood how infinities develop, and how it feels to be in one. The night my little infinity trickled up my legs, all the way to my face and made me smile. The night I found my little infinity.

Drunk, totally drunk and weary I walked out of the club. My white graphic tee, tightly stuck to my skin, giving it a perfect outline, my black ripped jeans, perfectly sticking to my thighs and legs and showing a perfect outline of my curves. All of this wasn’t weary but I was. You know it happens, when you are really out of your mind, when you can’t just think of anything but wail and wail the deepest sorrow of your heart out, it feels weary. Though everything may just be right but it seems weary.

The voices of people laughing, shouting echoing in my head, the loud music still blasting inside my head and everything from inside the club still in my head. Clear as crystal. Everything but him. Everything but his words. Everything but his voice. Everything but his face. Everything but him.

Okay, I lied.

Even if I remembered everything that had happened inside the club the most accurate of my memories were him and only him. Everything and him. Everything and his words. Everything and his voice. Everything and his face. Everything and him.

I walked down the street, humming some tune that had got into my mind. I gazed at fellow passers-by, trying to understand why they were gawking at me like a hawk. I put on my hoodie just in case my hair was looking very shabby, stabbed my palms into my pockets and just continued to walk. I looked down at the street, not knowing where I am going and just wanting to get out from this world, I walked, walked and walked.

It all felt so unreal, so diplomatic and so clumsy. It felt as if my heart had been peeled using a peeler, as if it were an orange. As if the outer part didn’t matter, it was the inner part they wanted to rip off and destroy. I felt so pitiful for the oranges I had ever eaten or any other fruit that I had ever eaten. I kind of took an oath never to eat fruits-to-be-peeled again.

The world today seemed a little too cruel. The sweetest things felt to be the worst. The cry of a baby, the sound of lovers kissing, the sound of friends laughing, and all of it that would earlier make me smile made me feel a dirty kind of jealousy in my heart. It made my heart ache, it made my world wobble, and it made me jittery. It was as if I felt only I deserved all of it, only I.

My thoughts of this puzzled jealousy came from my mind to my limbs, making them ache, and craving for rest. Each cell in my body pleaded me to stop walking so fast, each of them pleaded me to slow down, each of them pleaded me to take it lightly. But. No I wouldn’t listen. Storming, pacing, heaving with heavy breath, I walked, down the road.

“OUCH!”

The next thing I knew was, my walking had led me into this beautiful face.

Brown eyes, silky hair, the perfect man, and a perfect voice.

‘I am sorry’ he said in voice filled with utter concern and love.

I smiled and willingly took the hand he held forward. He pulled me up and helped me balance back on my feet.

I looked away, shyly, I don’t know why.

He placed his palm on my shoulder and said, “Did I hurt you?”

My feet went numb. My heart did a tingling dance, god knows why. Well, maybe because no one had ever been so calm to me. I was used to people shouting and making me cry. I was used to hugging a pillow instead of a human, I was used to being indifferent to the world. But he, he changed it in moments. He didn’t do much, in fact he didn’t do anything. He just said what I wanted to hear. He just showed what I wanted to see. He just gave me what I wanted to have. I wanted to hear concern, I wanted to see concern, I wanted to have concern. And he made it happen. For the first time I knew how concern was, how soft, how mild, how much special it made you feel.

I couldn’t help but to come out of my trance, and look at him. His hand waving in front of mine, vigorously, begging me to answer and pleading to know if I was fine. Yes, I could read his hand. You know it happens. Hands show what people think, totally. For instance, if you are being injected and you cross your fingers, it is simple fear. In an examination hall, we tend to itch our hands, out of nervousness. And his hands, waved in fear, scare and worry.

I got a tight grip over his waving hand, and spoke, “Hey!” and I stopped his hand from waving and continued to talk, “I am okay. Chill.” With a smile pasted on my lips, continuously.

He sighed in relief. “Thank god” He said with a wide smile.

“So, which club?” I said with wobbly knees.

“Well, honestly none.” He smiled. “I am not from New York.” He paused and then continued.

“I actually missed my flight to L.A. So Here I am stuck up in between of these noisy clubs, entertaining myself for the next four hours.”

He smiled.

“Oh that’s great. We could grab a drink maybe down the lane, in a silent place?”

I don’t know. I really don’t know why I asked that.

He smiled. “Yes, for sure. In fact if you wouldn’t have I would have asked that.”

My smile grew wider. How could someone be so perfect? How could someone be so overwhelming to simply look at? I started adoring him, totally.

He placed a hand around my shoulder and began walking. I didn’t react. I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to spoil the moment.

I guided him to turn in to the next lane. He took a turn and then stopped. I really mean it, my heart stopped, too.

He took his hand from my shoulder turned to me, and brought his right hand ahead, “Don’t you think I should know your name and you mine?

I sighed in relief and let my head lose in laughter.

“Oh god! Yes, I totally forgot.” I said laughing continuously and taking his hand before he took it back.

“Haha, me too. Well, so I am Martin, Martin O’Leary.” He spoke with a wide smile.

I could see his lips curving perfectly in to the words ‘Martin O’Leary’ with so much tenderness, and love. I was touched. I had never read someone’s lips so perfectly. No one had ever said their name so perfectly. It was just so touching. His hand waving in front of my eyes brought me out of my trance and made a light smile appear on my face.

“Hey Martin. I am Martha Goldberg.”

Maybe, that was the first time I loved my name so much.

“Martha, oh dear Martha!” he dramatically said.

“Martin, oh dear Martin!” I imitated him, well, I at least tried to.

We both laughed like insane.

At the bar, there was hardly any place for us to sit. There was this huge, huge bunch of college kids, a little two or three years younger to me, and maybe four years younger to Martin, partying, kissing, hugging & just letting their hair lose to the music. It reminded me of my college times. My late night outs, my first kiss, my first hug, and all of that which I had never thought of. Which I had never wanted to even think of, maybe. But after what happened in the club today, I really wished if I could get back where they were and just change all the mistakes that I had ever made.

“I think we need to sit by the counter, will that do?” he asked right into my ear. His lips so close to my ears that I could feel their touch on my ear lobes as he spoke, well, I took at as a kiss.

“Yes, sure. I won’t mind.” I somehow managed to answer.

He smiled and let me go ahead of him and take seat at the counter.

He signaled the bar tender to get in two glasses of wine. I told him I preferred wine and he said he too did.

The wine arrived & I didn’t wait for a second before I sipped on it and started devouring it. I sat there, in the best company I could have, (of a stranger) devouring wine (with him) and staring right into his husky of ogles with uttermost care.

“So” he shot upon something to talk on finally, “What do you do?”

“Well” I said not knowing where to start “I teach people to smile.”

He looked at me with his eyebrows frowning & a ‘what did you say’ look. I laughed. “Don’t look at me like that.” I laughed more hysterically. He continued looking at me with the same kind of look and I lightly touched his chin and pushed it away. “STOP” I screamed, continuing to laugh. Well, even more hysterically.

“No, No, No.” Tell me what you do. I absolutely didn’t get you. I mean you make people smile? Is that even a job?” He asked in an irritated tone.

“Shush.” I said trying to calm him down and complete my explanation. “I’ll show you what I mean.” I paid the bill for the drinks at the counter and signaled him to follow me. I took him down the lane, through filthy lanes wrapped in blankets of muck, foul smells & roughness. I strode past all the filthy houses, and finally stopped on reaching my territory.

There we were, in the wee hours of the night, standing there where I belonged. Where lives had transformed & lives had been given hope. I saw the big dusty hoarding “S.M.I.LE” and smiled. He followed my gaze and looked up only to drink another glass of confusion.

“Oh Shit!” He shrieked. “Not any more. What the hell do you do?” He looked at me with mixed emotions of irritation, anger & innocence. “Are you a smuggler? A drug dealer? What the fuck are you?”

I laughed like a lunatic. I cried in laughter. “OH MY GOD! Martin! You have no patience! For god sake, ENOUGH!” I laughed even more now. “Just wait.”

I didn’t wait for him to respond because I was way too excited to show him this place. I went to the door, took out the key from my pocket and opened the huge lock on the door. I unlatched the door, pushed it open and let Martin in before me.

“So this is my territory. Where I make people smile. Where I create infinities.”

Martin gazed around the room. Looking at the hundreds of pictures, or maybe thousands of pictures, stuck to the walls, names carved on wooden plates hanging from the ceiling, Floors clad with quotes & signatures. He adored the tables, made of plain wood but painted with colors of the rainbow. He was amazed. Anyone would be. In fact even I was the first time I saw it, the second time I saw it, and every time I still see it. This place was heaven for everybody.

He turned around to face me. “Martha. What is this place?” he asked with so much piousness. I smiled back at him.

“I work here Martin. This is what I do.” I continued, “S dot M dot I dot L dot E is an abbreviation for the sentence ‘So Many Infinities Lie Everywhere’. You know Martin, some people in this world are really alone. They live a normal life like normal people. They laugh like normal people. They cry like normal people. But unfortunately, they really don’t get to share like normal people. They don’t get to share their happiness, their worries, their griefs, their fears, their god damn problems, or anything in their life. The truth is many in this world are alone and more over they are unaware.”

“Our company helps them out. We, help them find their infinities .”

I looked at him, just to see whether I should continue or not.

“Go on, I’m listening.” He said with the desire of wanting-to-know-more, evident in his voice.

“Yes, so we help them find their infinities. What are infinities? Infinities are nothing but bonds. Bonds formed when people who share “uncountable or infinite” emotions in each other’s presence come into existence. Infinities are two people who are there to share and understand for each other. They don’t need to date or something, they just need to talk. And trust me Martin, every infinity we have made, has made at least 2 people smile.”

He was looking straight into my eyes. Just as he realized I had completed, he straightened his posture, looked down, then again up, into my eyes, and said, “Lovely.”

I smiled.

There was a strange void silence in the room. It changed. I knew I hadn’t told anything wrong to him and so I was wondering what this silence meant. I really wanted to know.

The silence really, crept onto my knees, up towards my body, now towards my face, and now my eyes. I felt I was going back to what I was a little while back, when I walked out of the bar, drunk, totally drunk, thinking about nothing but him.

“I want to tell you something.” I really don’t know why I wanted to tell him this, but I wanted to.

“Yes.” He looked at me with a smile.

“I never believed that I would ever be happy. Never. I always thought, I was a burden, a sin, a mere creation of god, no one could ever love. Whenever I was with friends, I would laugh, howl & enjoy hard, even when I was with family I would cry, love and enjoy badly, but at the end of the day I would stop. I would stop everything and cry myself to sleep. I would wet my pillow and drench it in saline water.”

“I really didn’t believe to find someone to love me, I didn’t know whether I even wanted to find someone.”

“I set up this place, got close friends to work here. I felt this was place, my territory.”

“But last month...” I stopped. I choked. I couldn’t speak.

I felt an arm on my shoulder, so warm and calm, yet worry evident in the touch. Martin, made me sit on the floor and sat beside me, holding my hand.

“Continue, now.” He said.

“Last month everything changed, Martin. Every single thing.”

“Ed. Ed Lancaster, entered my life. We met in a club, fell in love and started seeing each other. It was all going so smooth, so good, until today, Martin. Today, it all just ended, it simply broke into pieces. He left me Ed. Now, he’s gone, forever.”

I broke down. He took me in his arms, and let me weep out ever sorrow I had ever felt. For a moment, I really felt I was with my infinity.

“Martha.” He said breaking the hug.

I looked up at him and wiped away my tears, and gave a meek smile.

“Yes, Martin.”

“Do you have to enroll, if you want to make someone your infinity?”

“Not really. You can just get the consent of the person. And it’s not actually something legal or anything like that, the only thing is you need to be happy. You need to Smile and spread the word of S.M.I.L.E. That’s it.”

“That’s it?” he asked raising his eyebrows.

“Yes, Martin. That’s it.” I answered with a smile.

“Well, so stand up.” He almost pulled me up, and I have to admit he had a lot of strength.

“What?! Ouch. Okay wait.”

I stood up and made me clothes straight, and dusted them a bit. When I took my eyes off the dusting, and all those idiotic stuff, I was astonished.

Martin was on his knees.

“What?” I raised my eyes and gave him a threatening glance.

“Um, will you be my infinity? He asked with so much LOVE.

“What?!” I almost shouted.

“I came here alone, but I really don’t want to go back alone. This whole infinity thing, has made me really want to be a part of one. And Martha, in these moments we’ve spent throughout these past hours, has made me feel so much more than I’ve ever felt in my entire living. I really could share, with you. I really smiled, laughed, and loved being with you. You’ve made me want to know you more. I really want to spend some more time in my life, with someone I can share, share my love life problems, my office problems and god damn all sort of problems. I really want to, Martha.”

I stood there smiling. I was so much in love with this friend I had made. But just that, this love was different, by far the best but. It was so special to both of us.

“Yes.”

The next thing I knew was I was in his arms, hugging him tightly and letting him cuddle me softly.

I really don’t know whether I was in love with Martin. I just knew that, I wanted him. To share, to have fun, to just be around with.

He was gone in the next hour, to take his fight. We exchanged numbers, and we still make it a point to call each other, daily giving a regular update of our happenings. And you know what? It all feels perfect. I really like it the way it is. I don’t want it to change or develop or anything. I just want it to be the same.

That is what infinities are. They’re a part of you but not in you. They’re close to you, but not near you. They know you, but can’t experience you. Infinities, are so much better than relationships. They’re more joy giving than dating someone. Infinities, are by far my favorite.

Author’s view:

I really don’t know whether something called infinities, does exist. But the characters in this story, are characters I’ve always wanted to put up. Infinities and the whole idea behind them is something which I’ve developed through my own intellect and instinct. I really, though like it. Infinities, if they really do exist, will give people a new hope, a new ray, a new love of living. It’s amazing to have infinities. Though unknowingly, but fortunately I’ve got many of them.

This story, goes out to all my loving family and special friends.