I look at the rope one more time before pulling it on my neck. I've been crying my whole life now but I didn't know why my tears taste more painful this time. I guess because, it's the last time.
I gripped the rope tightly as I think of when the world has been good to me. I smiled weakly, when did the world has been good to me?
Slap
"You little hypocrite! I told you not to go! See what you've have done?! You ruined everything! Why can't you just be like your sister?!" The shout of my mother enveloped my ears. It's like hearing the same note with a different taste of pain this time.
I licked the blood from my lips. I stood up and faced my mother, I bowed my head as I beg for her forgiveness all over again.
They say life is like a wheel, sometimes you're at the top then with just a matter of second, you'll be the one begging, kneeling, grieving. Then, when would I be the one on top? The wheel is getting heavier I need someone to push the car because I know I can't do this all alone.
"I-I'm sorry Mom. I, I promise to lock myself inside my room for days just-" just to what? To forgive me? When did she ever forgive me for a sin I've never done?
I felt the pain ate me as my mother pulled my hair and forced me to face her.
"Know what? You're a disappointment that keeps disappointing. I hope we didn't adopt you." I look at her with horror. W-what? She pulled my hair even more reason why I winced.
"You're a disgrace in this family." She said looking in my eyes. She turned her back on me then walk away while I just stood there. With my eyes open convincing myself not to believe what she said but I just couldn't.
My tears fell. Her slap hurts but why did her words hurt more than it should be?
I get my clothes from my wardrobe then put it inside my baggage.
"The number you have dialed is either unattended or out of coverage area please try-" please answer my calls please. You told me to run after you when I need something. You told me to depend on you when I can't depend on myself anymore. You told me you will always be here by my side then why weren't you answering my calls?
I dialed his number again but still no response. I wiped my tears. I guess I'll just go to his apartment. Right, he told me I can go there whenever I want. I will surprise him. I'll tell him I'll just live with him and that I'm taking his wedding proposal.
It's better to live with him than here. At least there I love the person whom I'm with and that he loves me too. At least there I felt like I'm needed. Like I still worth something. Right. I'll just live with him.
I press the doorbell but still no response. Oh right, he gave me the pass key because he trusts me. I smiled. He trusts me.
I'm feeling excited as I walk to his bedroom but what I saw inside broke all of my hopes. My smile vanished as I dropped the baggage I am holding.
So this is the meaning of love for him? This is the meaning of trust? If it is then, I don't need anything from him. From them.
"B-bes." She wrap her naked body with the comforter while I force myself not to cry.
Please, not now. You told him you don't love him, you told him to leave. You reject him, so why would you cry now? I look at my best friend and gave her a smile.
"Congrats." And then I looked at him. He's in front of me now, only with his boxers with his sad eyes. Oh please.
"I. I will explain. It's not what you think babe, please hear me out. Please." He took one step closer but I took a step back.
I can see his pleading eyes but I can't feel anything. But still, I'm not numb. How I wish I could be.
"Don't. " I pointed at him.
"Come near me." My chest is feeling heavy, it feels like exploding anytime now. God. How can they ever betray me?
I took a deep breath. My tears flowing but I don't give a damn. I need to forgive my self before I escape all of this. I close my eyes and quickly kick the chair as I feel my breathing hitched. It's getting harder to breathe, and getting harder, and getting harder.
Finally... I'm forgiving you self. You are forgiven for living in this cruel planet.