All started two years ago. It was on October 17th,2011. I started the university. I was really nervous. I was alone. I didn't know anyone. I didn't know what to do. I felt really anxious. I got lost several times before finding my room. That was exhausting. But i finally did it. I made a lot of friends in my first class, my first french class. I'm a really talkative person. But that day was not my day, definitely.I knew really nice people, people with whom i shared a lot of nice moments in my life. Parties at my friends' houses, big hugs, adventures, a lot of nice moments at the beach, in malls, restaurants, anywhere. People with whom i shared laughts, fears and also tears, a lot of tears. People that got graduated before me because of my innatention. People with whom despite of all the moments we shared, i don't have contact at the moment. Those who once i called "friends".Those that know don't know about me and I don't know about them. Yes, that's the sad true. But well, life countinues. I now have people in my life that love me, that's what i think. I've known a lot of persons that now are part of my life. That also i've known in my classes, and with whom i enjoy my life. People that understand what i like and dislike. People with i can joke without any bad result. People that supports me in crazy, nice, bad and terrible moments, even when i love someone, the cause of my madness.
He
I'm here writing this while my thinkings get lost in the music i listen. I would lie if i say that i'm not thinking in his face while the music sounds. That face, that is kind of rude, but for me is almost perfect. That face that has never turned to me. That face that one day started to appear everyday and also everynight in my mind. He is who "steals my dreams", if i can put it this way. Although he wont know about my feelings, i want to express them here. All the questions you can imagine about him have the same answer "I don't know". His name, his age, his feelings, likes and dislikes, i don't know. Always will be a mistery, or maybe until i decide to ask him. I don't think i will do it, but could happen. Although he looks like a mirage. Like a star. Something i wont catch up. Someone i see as an impossible wish. What can i do?. People say that we always have to be patient, everythings arrives when you least expect. But i don't think in that way. I don't know why. Maybe i'm wrong.
He must be working or even sleeping?. Is sunday he should be at home or maybe on the street. I don't know. I can not ask him because i even don't have his telephone number. You can asure that i wouldn't ask him. Just thinking about it my hands shake. My story seems as Amelie Poulain's one. An unknown person that for us becomes a big part in our life and also in our heart.
How it could have happened?
I don't remember when, i just know it started. One of this days i saw him. He was coming down the subway's station stairs. I had my earphones, so i didn't take him into account. I continued walking. I was doing the transfer on the subway station. He suddenly appeared. I got scared. I thought he was chasing me but... it was not. That's what i think know. I haven't asked him. One day i was coming back to my home as always. I was seeing the mechanical stairs going up and down. When i saw him. I don't know why but my hearts starts beating really fast. I don't know if he saw when i was looking at him. I think my heart was like that because was the same boy was chasing at me the last time -i guess he was- and i got scared.
I used to go out of classes at 9:45 am. I decided to change my schedule and i started going out of my university at 10:30 am. Even if i had already finished my classes. I just wanted to lost contact with that person. But what a surprise when i was coming down the stairs. He appeared again. With his white shirt and his black pants. He passed me on the stairs. So i stayed quiet a continued walking slowly. I looked for the farthest line. I couldn't stop looking at him. The days went by and i started feeling different. I just wanted to go out of classes and run. I wanted take the subway at the correct hour. All, to look at him. I also know where he works. Is kind of crazy. The person i though was a rapist became, my love? my soulmate maybe? I used to ask me why? What was happening to me? A possible answer appeared in my mind. An answer that still looks like a question. Was i falling in love with this unknown boy? Am i in love? That questions have the same answer why?, he looks so thin, and also is not too handsome. But love is blind.
What i love and hate
One night i started to analize him in my thinkings from head to toe. It can sound weird but yes. What i like of him? For me and my friends is known as the "Hexagonal face boy". You can imagine how is his face. What a disaster. He doesn't looks like the moon. He doesn't have a lot of holes in his face. I think i have more than him. What a boy. When i look at his slanted eyes i suffer a kind of heart attack. My heart starts beating so fast. As a horse in freedom. That eyes are definitely part of my weakness. He has pale skin and black hair. That hair that makes me crazy. An even more crazy when he starts combing with his hands. In his neck he has a beauty spot. The "strategical spot" his parents did. Above his shirt i can see a really handsome back. Sometimes i want to jump to his back and hug him. And of course kiss the spot that mommy did. But that's only in my mind. About of the front side well, i haven't seen too much. i think that under that shirt there is a very thin body. I also think is thinner than me. But no problem. That's perfect.
Something i don't like of him is... i don't like? I think everything likes to me. Ummm... no, there is something and the only one i think. I hate that he always avoids me. Even if i make the line near of him, he always takes the other ones. That makes me feel upset and kind of angry. I think he knows i like him. I look at him a lot. He must feel famous. Now he has a "stalker". Me.
The challenge
I remember that day when i spoke with one of my friends. The challenge we had to comply. She had to wink to a boy in the university. I had to do the same. I had to wink to the "unknown" boy, but in the subway. That was crazy but it was a challenge. We had to do it. I promised it. So i had to do it. I always comply my promises. I remember i had to prepare mentally. There were almost two weeks thinking how to do it. It was difficult. First the boy my friend had to wink... was not too handsome -well, mine either- . But mine was tall. I wont forget the week i started asking to my friends. What would you do if you want that your crush pays attention to you? One answer crazier than the other. I didn't know what to do.
I remember that morning as it was yesterday. It was a magic wednesday. Maybe my favourite day in my life. That morning when i first winked to an unknown boy walking by the street. A boy that doesn't know me. and also i don't know, unfortunately. I remember the way i was walking when i was going to the subway. I walked really fast because it was time. I was very excited but nervous. I finally arrived to the station. My legs were shaking while i was coming down the stairs. The train had passed and i couldn't enter. I had to stay there, looking the mechanical stairs coming down. In a small oversight, he suddenly appeared like a shadow. He was there, just in the line next to me. I could see him. I could observe all the details. From his white shirt to his black pants with a gray line in his back pockets. What a stalker i am, no? I remember he turned his face. I did the same. The train arrived an i could enter. He had to enter for another door. He didn't. He entered to the train by the same door i entered. I stayed quiet just there... near the door. Once the doors closed my heart exploted beating. I said:
-Keep calm. It's just a challenge. You don't have to feel in that way. Also you don't like him or yes?
I was changing the song i was listening. Then, i started watching through the train window. I made eye contact with him. So i decided that if i had to do it it had to be face to face. A lot of people got out of the train and he stayed in front of me. I said to me that i had to do it. It was my opportunity. I started the most difficult eyes contact i had done ever. It was like a shoot. So i took value and i did it. I still don't know if he noticed it. He didn't do any expression. Well, we two arrived to the same station. He passed me and went upstairs really fast. I felt like a lion triying to catch his prey. Was crazy but i did it. Just in the street we get separate for our routine i waved. He saw i did it. I don't know why he was looking at my way. I really felt so proud of me. Now i think i did bad.
The letter i should have written
A wonderful idea appeared in my mind. Write a letter. I told my friends if this was a good idea. They answered:
- Of course. Why not? It would be really beautiful.
I think i know why they said that. They want to sell me to him -i would be happy- or simply they can't hold me more in this situation. I'm becoming crazy. More than before. But well, that's not important. The only important thing is that the answer the gave didn't quite convince me. However, i decided to write one. I remember i used to listen two siblings' songs. One of their songs almost could be the beginning of my letter. I started writing it in a paper i had in my desktop. Meantime, my friend helpped me by Facebook. The next day i brought the "letter" that was not a real letter. It was a white paper with little words, all of them had been written with a pencil. We went to one of our common rooms -for us- but uncommon in the university to write the "letter". We started just speaking and joking. I didn't do the letter. I wont do it never. I remember i had in my head the way i would give it to him. But no, i decided not to do it. Maybe he doesn't know how to speak a good spanish or maybe my chinese is really bad because of google translator. Maybe i could stay like a crazy person for him. I prefer to stay away for a time than to get away for all mi life. That would be like a dying life.
The end i wish
A shiny morning i get surprised. He is there but now he is in front of me. I'm almost dying. My heart beats really slow. I feel so confused. My mind starts flying. My thinkings get lost in all the noise. My senses stop. I just listen his voice. I just feel his breath. For me breathing is really hard. He is now embracing me. I feel really protected. That unknown boy has become part of my life. That voice i have never listen is now telling me "You like me. I only didn't know how to tell you". I feel how the tears are falling down in my cheeks. How those fingers are cleaning them. Is a magic moment. It seems like if the world had stopped. And we are the only ones, living the moment. Those lips i never saw so close to me. Are now five centimeters of my face. I feel as if the wind has taken all my fears. I'm free. The train arrives and his soft hands intertwine mines. He feels my heart. I can feel his heart too beating so fast. The people enter the train. There is not a lot of people. We sit down. He puts his head in my shoulder. Slowly the train stops. We have to get out. My eyes can't stop looking at that person. That person i saw as a dream is now here holding my hands while we walk to our work way. People watch us. And also the woman who sells orange juice supports me. He puts his hands in my head and with a kiss he takes his way. My body still shakes. My head is totally confused. But i'm sure this is love.