"...everything hurts." I wanted to tell them. I wanted to pour the pain I'm feeling, empty the jar I've been filling, with anger,fear and doubt I never imagined I will encounter.
"...you're a strong girl." they'll most likely answer and yet, even how comforting those words had been, now they feel more of a stab in the chest, a slap in the face and a hand over my mouth...stopping me from crying out loud.
I sucked it in, trying to rationalise the pent up emotions dangerously probing in the tip of my lips, like liquid overflowing from a container.
Like water gushing out a broken faucet.
"No, I'm not broken." I told myself as the clock ticks 3 A.M again while I stay wide awake just like every night this past few days.
Moments passed, maybe an hour or two and the sun peaks behind the curtains and my heart shattered a little more knowing another night had went by, another episode of madness, countless counting of sheeps and endless staring at spaces.
Then, the moment turned to minutes, to hours, to days and before I knew it, I stayed like that most of the time, for the longest time now but I kept being mum. Never really wanting to dampen the mood. Never really wanting to look selfish, to sound proud or bragging.
"I want a little time for myself..." I let the words float in my head, practicing how I wanted it to sound, finding the perfect timing to say it out.
I never did.
...so another day passed of me putting my worries behind just to look tough and unbothered because the last thing I want are questions bombarding me of why I ended up like this.
I'm anxious.
Scared most of the time.
Sad, emotional during the night and unfocused, disoriented from time to time during the day.
I wanted to escape, tuck myself to bed early just like other people do and not to worry about how I'll survive yet another day of pressure, mental fatigue and endless....endless readings.
This might be a rant. No.I'm indeed writing a rant because based on experience, pent up emotions do nothing good so even just in words over paper, this tired, anxious and ever scared girl wanted to let go of some of the bad.
Everything hurts...even now that I'm lying comfortably on my bed, typing this away for you to read. For you to know that you aren't the only one. I'm hurting too and hopefully, someday, we can stop.
...but right now, i know, as the hand of the clock slowly moves downward,
i know...it won't be happening tonight.