I see people as flowers with unique colors, fragrance and nature.
I see souls as roots. Some sturdy, some fragile. I see life as a forest. Very vast, dangerous, exciting and generally a survival.
As a person, I seek for the sunlight. I look for energy, motivation and proper understanding of everything that is going in my life. I want reassurance, steadiness, and usual. That is why I had a big preference with habits. I have a lot of those because they are always sure, same, and constant.
That's all I want in my day to day living but things don’t go as planned all the time. There will be times that a storm will come passing by, blowing across the garden I tend to grow in lines of straight alleys and customary colors. There will come a time that change will drop from above. In the most unexpected moment, in the most unpredictable time.
That is why I hate surprised.
They are always filled with whatnots and everything that you aren’t informed of. They’ll be pleasant at first but in the long run, the truth is that surprises are all planned yet full of expectations. A catch I can ever get caught with.
I plant flowers because I like them but the process is always rigid, slow, and tedious… but I still do it though. I’m all for the colors, the shape of the petals and the smell it gives off every time the wind hits the surface of its budding beauty. I have always been a person of what is meant and what is used to be but after observing how flowers bloom in different shapes, size, color and more… I got a change of heart.
All of it made sense when I stepped in the part of my life where everything is new, not normal and changed the world I never been. Everyone seems so used to the floor they are running in while I take cautious tiptoes… trying to get used to the ground I need to tackle.
I felt so small, unmotivated and displaced. Every face that I meet seems to be a part of the puzzle the Almighty is creating and I found myself standing out of the pieces…lost and not being found in a long while.
For the first time in more than years of thinking the constant life I was living is all there is, I was faced with things I never knew about. To everything that is unfamiliar, bizarre and peculiar to my senses. I was lost in the forest of the unknown and I’ll admit I was scared.
Scared of not finding my way out.
I felt my feet dug deeper to the soil I was standing in as the people ahead of me continues to move forward. I felt left out and as everyone is going to the goal we all set as we take our places in the starting line… I’m the only one stuck before the white horizontal stripe.
It is depressing and very traumatic as well. I was so used to being ahead of the others but now, I found myself not even close to where I want to be. I was never confident when I entered this door but never did I expect to be trampled with confidence and ego.
This is adult life.
No matter how hard you try not to compare yourself to others, you still find the inner ego inside your head listing the thing she has that you do not. You find yourself comparing every small detail of line, of dress, of words, of everything. Adult life is hard and it’s even harder if you don’t have the courage to conquer it as who you are.
Flowers have different colors, shape, and size but when I jump on the bandwagon of life, I found the stupid insecure girl inside me picking petals in the garden I didn't plow. I started sprinkling the petals that are not mine in the wet soil in my backyard hoping that the dull looking sunflowers I planted will gain the colors of the tulips she has.
Such foolish, childish reaction but that is all there is. When everyone is having the greatest time of their life, you’ll realize how plain and boring the life you had been living for the past few years.
Life doesn't always go as you planned to be.
You are going to fail, stumble and fall all over again before you could find the person that you truly are but isn’t it why the process becomes suddenly exciting and a tad bit appealing?
You know, I never wanted to be here. There will be times, almost all of the time that I’ll prefer to be back to the normal day to day circumstances I face than bend down all day trying to make things out of the seeds I was given. All this hardship that I was never familiar with suddenly grew into me. The determined faces I look at every sunrise, those same faces the intimidated me the first time now becomes a source of inspiration, fooling aspirations and ever appearing and disappearing motivation.
I’m still far behind everyone and to be honest, dark storms and rainy nights still shower over my garden. It's still tough, hard and even impossible but now, things are different. I want to tackle over this piece of land laid in front of me with a different mind set. Despite the fact the rain and storms continue to pass by in a very intimidating and taunting kind of way, I will instill in my head that I’m still blooming.
Everything in my garden is still blooming, growing and budding into something truly beautiful.
With all the comparisons made, with all the fears faced and with all the insecurities realized, now I want to dream and keep going. Life is like a garden. You pick what you want to plant. You pick what you want to get rid.
You see, I look at people as flowers.
Different, beautiful, colorful and unique in their own ways. The never ending survival in this wide and vast forest will continue as everyone tries to plant and sow and now as I try to become the budding petals and pollens that I should be, I will remember what hardship and challenges taught me; that in this life, despite what happens, all we need to remember is to keep the bloom.