Harsh Nights

These late nights are difficult. With me awake, alone like a soul star shining at night, no one to share my thoughts, my feelings, no one to control my brain, control me.

When I want to be free, independent of responsibilities, independent of questions, independent of debts, I achieve freedom only in respect to my feelings, my desires, sometimes they all fade away, such calmness in life, like i have achieved peace. But i don't feel good about it.

There is always something missing. At a time when the world seems worthless, your thought in my head makes my heart restless, and then I'm reminded of all the things I lack in life, and slowly despair kicks in.I feel like a piece of a dead walking meat. Like a mosquito, useless in the world causing disease and despair, a virus that keeps spreading.

Slowly I start to wonder, whats stronger?, the memories we share of happiness or the never ending dive of sorrow that is brought by your absence?, weather  memories worth more or less then people? And this thought takes my heart by a storm, and I feel scared as the humans are scared of the unknown, and thus the memories build with you can never be replaced unless a risk is worth the memories I have with you and only you, the bond I had with you and only you, as reliving similar moment with someone else and her leaving me at a stage you did makes me back out, and so when the rare moments occur when the bond starts to grow with someone else, I back out.

Agreed, I'm a loser! that even after learning from the past I have no courage to face what may come. And in hope that a day will come when the risk will be taken and I'll make someone all mine, only mine. Someone who would seem more important then you. Someone whose smile could be bargained for a thousand universe, someone whose voice would feel like possession of the cosmic divine. Someone who would keep me sane. Just like you did.

But if never gain the courage to make my present my life, I will not blame you, as I would not be able to.

In the end I guess memories are worth everything and not just the people in this ever expanding universe.