Hey, I have to tell you something.
All the little things I’ve bottled up inside me so far from the moment I knew I was lost and going away from my own star. I have words I tend to hide and in the long run, I got accustomed to the feeling of keeping silent behind loud tides. I was never talkative to begin with nor outspoken or true but believe me or not, this is the first time I face myself like I never knew. The world is ever-changing and so does everything in it but these days I’m constantly stranded in a none moving pit. I’m lost and that’s a secret I do not have the courage to tell anyone. I’m tired and ever exhausted just by standing up in the middle, not having any fun.
I ask myself almost every day, what am I doing with my life. There are times I’m certain as new goals form in my mind. I’ll lay out goals and plan and dream of reaching them one by one but there will come grey areas that everything will vanish all at once. I’ll face a wall or two every time sunrise arrives. I’ve never been this unknown and confused that I planned to run millions of times. Now things get hard and each day that past is another challenge. I never liked this feeling but I’m trying my best to cope up.
I’m doing what I can even though I know its barely enough. Maybe I just don't like the feeling everyone around me makes up. So much enthusiasm, too much determination. A lot of fun and laughter and all the smiles I can never cater.
Do not misinterpret though, I wanted to belong. Its been long since I started feeling I should do this and now I ‘m feeling something else in my chest. I want to be here and somehow want to overcome but they say bad habits die hard when it started and I’m here to prove that right.
My brain is constantly shaken, with words and things I just met. My ego is rigidly beaten with pride and talent I can never exceed but this little dark horse, behind everything that is outstanding, is trying to somehow shine a little and stand with the others in the same beginning.
I change my mind every single day, just like how the world changes as the sky do. I never have gut or braveness to boast but I wanted to be that too. I want to gain knowledge, I want to live my life. I want to be in a place I can’t today and be the person I know I am not but with all this negativity I strive to be the only positive light.
Myself is a mess at the moment but I believe I can be sorted out.
I have tons of secret behind all the smile and reassurance. I have a bundle more behind the tears they thought I never shed and above everything that aches s another drawer I locked away from everyone else.I have a handful of others I would like to tell but decided not to because I’m a person who wants to satisfy every fantasy people around me have and do.
It may sound tiring and yes it truly is. To depend on all your movement to what others wanted to see. I do not blame them though because I know all of this is for me and actually who I’m angry at is my self for wanting more than this life, a perfect one like how people would see.
As I spill all this frustration to you who is reading right now, I hope you are not holding the same regrets I have today. Try to be a little better and talk all this despair out because even though I never did it, my heart feels it’ll be worth the try.
Never fear what will happen because it's expected to go down. As you speak each word that falls down will hit feelings and more.
It can create new beginning or even destroy something you adore but remember what is important is you aren't caged anymore.
Hey, these hidden feelings should remain with us two because at the moment I’m still striving to be better as you. I know I’ll make mistakes and more in the steps I will take. I’m scared at the moment but I’m sure my future is not going to wait.