"How are you?"

Behind those brown eyes with thick eyeliner, long beautiful eyelashes and a big smile is a person desperately wanting to be held tight and being reminded that "everything is going to be ok and I'm always here for you"

"How are you?" When people ask me this particular question I actually think for 5 seconds and then all I say is "ya I'm .... fine, yes I'm fine and yourself?" It actually takes me sometime to think about how I am on that fine day!

Funny right? It's because I know I'm not fine. I'm just trying to constantly remind myself that no matter what I'm going through or whatever is happening with me and inside my head, I'm completely fine.

There are times when I really, like really really, want somebody to ask me twice, thrice or maybe four to five times "how are you?". There are days when I really want people to see through my pretentious behaviour and really force me to vomit out my feelings. Sometimes all that I want to do is tell maybe a person or two what I'm actually going through, what I am thinking about and all that is going on in my mind. But what stops me is that I think that "what if that person gets irritated? What if they don't understand what I'm trying to say? What if they think that I'm such an attention seeker? What if they think that I'm 'mad' and need serious help? What if they think that all I do is complain all the time?" Sooo many what ifs right ?

That is what scares me. This is why I don't readily and easily share my thoughts and feelings with people. I need people to assure me that they won't judge me because of my weird thoughts, that I'm not irritating, that I'm normal.

"How are you?" The actual answer to this question is "I'm not fine. I'm tired. Physically, mentally and emotionally. I'm done with people, with my thoughts, with everything and everyone. You might think that I complain a lot but I swear if you could actually read my mind you'd probably wonder how am I even surviving with such thoughts. I want to go for a really long vacation somewhere really far away from everyone. Somewhere where I can actually cut off from people for sometime and sort out my life, think over my problems and solve them. Somewhere where I can clear my mind and come back fresh and happy. I'm not fine. I want to cry out real loud and shout my lungs out. I want a tight hug, I want to be reminded that things are going to be ok and that someone is there for me."

I do have 2 amazing friends who actually understand me and help me a lot but then what they don't know is that I actually don't share everything with them. That I don't call them whenever I'm feeling down. That I'm actually scared of talking to them. I wish they knew that I really want to share ALL of my thoughts and feelings with them. I wish they knew how to force me to share things with them... I wish they would continuously ask me the same question again and again and make me say the truth.