How Blue is My Sapphire?

“All of us live with our past. All of us allow it to shape our future. But some of us know how to shrug the past. I think that is who I am,” she answers my question politely. Her mild brown eyes flicker uncomfortably as I stare right into them.

“You’re being diplomatic, Miss Maithili,” I comment curtly.

“No, I’m not,” she replies with an air of modesty, “Why, what makes you think that, dear?”

Before I can say something, she changes course. “Would you like some tea? Well, let me see if I can fix you up with some scones too...” She quickly makes her way to the kitchen without turning back. I watch as she busied herself with éclat.

I sit silently in her plush leather sofa, sighing. This is even worse than my orphanage. I secretly wished to be sent back again. Yes, I admit I’ll never ever be able to sit on plush sofas, eat scones and roam in deluxe apartments. I know that this place is way better than those rat-infested rooms and dirty lavatories stinking of urine and shit. I cannot decide which of the two places I like better – an orphanage filled with familiar faces, or an apartment occupying a stranger.

As I ponder over my situation, Miss Maithili brings a tray loaded with scones, croissants and two steaming mugs of coffee. “Sorry, we ran out of tea leaves this morning,” she apologises sweetly. I shrug nonchalantly as I help myself to a scone. Its rich aroma and tangy flavour arouses my taste buds. “It’s the tastiest thing I’ve ever eaten, Miss Maithili,” I compliment her heartily. She simply blushes and smiles at me.

I study her features carefully. She had short black hair that was greying at the roots. Her face was somewhat apple-shaped, with a pair of fine lines outlining her cheeks. Her pink lips were as delicate as rose petals. Her physique was lean. She was perfect in every way that I could think of - physique, appearance, mannerism, cooking – everything. Like Ma. Just then I realise how much kind she had been to me all this time. A strange sense of guilt rises up in my throat.

“I’m sorry for what I said earlier,” I mumble through my third croissant.

She smiles at me, amused. As she tenderly ruffles my hair, I wonder what made her choose me for adoption. I’m not as tall as Gracie. I’m not as beautiful as Sheena. Janardan is a way better sportsperson than me. Salem is the genius of us all. Then, why me? The only thing I was ever good at was beating people up and hurting the feelings of others. Why me? The question gnaws my heart, but I don’t have the guts to ask the kind lady about it. What if it hurts her feelings? What if she gets annoyed?

I don’t like hurting people who are nice to me. “It’s a sin to hurt those who wish well for you...” Ma used to say that day in and day out.

Tears threaten to burst out of my eyes as I think about Ma. She was the best mother anyone could ever have. I blink and force them back. My gaze wanders around the room. It was a pleasant and clean room, with white and blue walls decorated with huge frescoes of the gospels of Christ. Silk curtains adorned the French windows. There was a lot of furniture that I couldn’t name, placed stylishly all over the room, towards the walls, and so on. A really slim blackboard hung on the wall opposite to the sofa. Although it really didn’t look like a blackboard to me, Rapchik-bhai told me that it indeed was a magic blackboard with pictures moving and all that. And it’s always preferable to listen to Rapchik-bhai than argue with him.

I realise, all of a sudden, that she’s watching me. Her face had an expression of interest. I look down at my hands, embarrassed, my cheeks flushing red with warm blood. I fidget with my fingers, biting my lower lip. Almost out of a habit, my index finger curls around the sapphire ring that I wore in my right hand’s ring finger. The cool stone makes me feel safe. It is the only souvenir I have left of my old life.

My old life consisted of me, my mother and my father. We were a happy family on the outside, just like the other families living in Tara Society. And that is where all the similarities ended. On the inside, the story was altogether different. Father was a sadistic man. He always thrashed Ma and me for no good reason. Every day was the same for us. He came home from office at night, battered us, ate his food and went to bed. In the morning, he’d wake up early to whip us, and after a hearty breakfast, he’d go to the office. This routine must have been too harsh for Ma. It was strange that I didn’t foresee the catastrophe that was approaching us.

It was on my 5th birthday. Ma had gifted me a delicate sapphire ring that fit tightly in my right hand’s ring finger. We had celebrated my birthday before Father came home. And then Ma sent me to sleep in my room. Unfortunately, the moment she locked my door from outside, I heard the bell ring. Once... Twice... Thrice... I held my breath and stood near the bedroom door as I heard Father rage in. Ma was quiet and pensive, as usual. I could hear a scuffle, some cuss words, and then a howl of pain from a deep, gruff voice.

Something was wrong. Ma had a shrill in her voice whenever she hollered in pain at Father’s death blows. But this time...

I froze near the bedroom door as realization hit me. It wasn’t Ma who shrieked... It was Father. I could hear low moaning voices. And another scream. This time it was Ma. Just then, I felt something wet underneath my feet. I looked down. I wish I hadn’t.

My socks were drenched with blood. The dark red blood slowly made its way towards my white bedroom carpet. It soaked it up and turned into a deadly red colour.  A nauseating metallic stench filled the room. I was hyperventilating. I was scared to death. I felt like vomiting up my birthday cake on the carpet, just to hide the mess underneath it.

 My head suddenly swooned. I found myself clutching at my bed post before the lights went out. Darkness was all that was left now. The darkness enveloped me, tore me to pieces, shredded every last bit of hope that I had left... And then it devoured me.

When I finally regained my senses, I was in the orphanage. I never told anyone what happened that night. The doctors suggested I might have got a concussion or something, because when they found me, I had a gash in my forehead. They said I hit the bedpost so hard that it ended up giving me nasty scar on my forehead. They had even tried to steal the sapphire ring that I wore, but it was too tightly stuck in my finger. And it has been there ever since. I got so much used to it that it almost feels like an inseparable part of me.

The police and news reports had claimed my mother to be a maniac, a bloody psychopath killer. She killed my father and then ended her life. She was apparently also trying to kill me by feeding me poison and locking me in my room. But I know better. It was him. He was the one who forced Ma to kill him. It was his fault. All of it was his doing.

Tears flow down my cheeks in torrents. Miss Maithili pulls me in her arms. I cry for a long time, taking in her sweet motherly fragrance. “What happened, dear? Tell me...” Her soft voice cooed away in some far-away land as I pour my heart out. I tell her everything... things that I’ve never told anyone. Sacred secrets... Frightening fears... Old beliefs... Lost desires... Things... Things no one would understand.

And then I wake up from my reverie. I sit up, horrified, as I realize what I had been doing. I look up at Miss Maithili. Her eyes are no longer mild. They are pensive, quiet, like my mother’s. Her lips are sealed. She doesn’t smile at me. I hang my head, cursing myself inwardly at my folly. I shouldn’t have said that. I really shouldn’t have said that.

“W-Why did you a-adopt me? W-Why? I’m not a g-good g-girl, I-I know that,” I whispered through my sobs, “I’m sorry. I know you don’t want me. I’m a bad girl. I’m a h-horrid g-girl!” I break down into uncontrollable blubber, “I will go away quietly. I won’t put up a fight like a baby... like others. You can complain about my misbehaviour to the orphanage. But please... please don’t tell anyone those secrets. Please...” I beg fervently.

She stands up and walks towards the phone that’s lying on a table with a single drawer. Out of the blue, I find myself praying to God as she lets her hand rest on the table. I swallow hard as she jerks the drawer open and removes a glistening thing in her hand. I feel my pulse rate quickening. What was that in her hand? A knife? Ma had stabbed Father and herself with a knife...

I hyperventilate as she nears me and holds out her hand. My heartbeat comes to a standstill as I recognize the sapphire ring that Ma had given me that night. It was of a brilliant blue hue, just like mine. I look back into her mild brown eyes intently, trying to figure out what it all meant.

Her eyes are melancholy as she asks, “How blue is my sapphire? Is it just as blue as yours?” I silently compare the two rings. They were exact replicas of each other. I looked back at her, confused.

“Look at them, Millie,” she murmurs slowly.

I gasp, “How do you know my pet name?”

She sighs and shakes her head as she sits down beside me. “Your mother,” she answers, weighing her words carefully, “Your mother was my sister. Half-sister, to be precise. It’s... complicated. But when I saw you in that orphanage, I immediately recognized my sister’s face.” She buried her face in her hands, “After her parent’s divorce, she was left to live with her mom while I lived with dad and his mistress, my mom. Dad gave both of us these rings, telling us that they were precious. They’re our family heirloom. We never met after that, until two years after her marriage. She told me that day she’d have a baby girl. She asked me a name for the baby. I said ‘Millie’ was a great pet name. I... I never knew that man was such a monster, I... I’m sorry Millie. I’m sorry I couldn’t rescue you, or your mother. Please... please forgive me, dear.”

She clasps me in her arms. She is crying. And so am I. If I would have met her that night, on my 5th birthday, I’d have cursed her. I’d have hated her from the bottom of my heart. But I am grown up now. Today’s my 15th birthday. And she has saved me. She let me get rid of the burdens that I have carried in my heart, all my life. I am free now. I’m wise now.

I know how blue my sapphire is. It’s just as blue as hers. We are but two pieces of the same gem bound by fate in this world full of crystals and skulls. Now whatever happens, we would have to stick together, whether we want it or not. I know she knows this as much as I do. Hence her next question doesn’t surprise me.

“Millie,” she says softly, her eyes once again back to their normal mildness, “Will you... will you forgive me? Can we stay together? Forever?” She has guessed my answer already as I smile and reply...

“Yes, Aunt Maithili.”