when i broke up with him, that was i think like March or something, we didn't really talk after that. he did really like me and i was the really stupid conceited little girl. oh boy, was i foolish.. okay.. i didn't really care much though. i truly didn't give a damn. i hate myself for being like that. i mean, why would one want to do that. okay.. as i said, we didn't really talk after. then the summer holidays started and we didn't see each other the two months. but again, as i said, i didn't care. when the summer holidays were over, we came back to school and we kind of talked, but we weren't exactly friends. He, then, started seeing this girl. that was i think in September (2013). well, as the time went on, their relationship was getting more and more serious and because the girl's best friend was my friend, i knew everything about their relationship.. the girl couldn't keep a single secret, i knew litterally everything. it was before 9th February (that is my boyfriend's birthday) and my friend told me, that they're planning to sleep together on his birthday.. he aged 14 that day. and also lost his virginity. yep. it hurt me listening to everything about their relationship, knowing that it all could have been me. i also knew, though, that it was completely and entirely my fault. it just hurt. i didn't know if it was because of the fact, that i just couldn't have him (that's the childish thing, you know, you stop playing with a toy, but when someone else plays with it, you need it back and again you lose your interest.) or because i really liked him. i don't know 'til this day. okay, they were dating, i hated myself and life went on. in that time we barely talked. barely. because we were never friends, there was just something between the two of us, so i t would be weird. but on September 2014, we started to talk more and i noticed. i didn't know what was happening, but i didn't complain. one day, he just grabbed my butt though. i mean, he had a girlfriend, i was truly truly suprised, like, what the hell is happening. the day he grabbed my butt, he walked with me home and wanted to go in. i said no. of course. no. but then he started to cry and told me, he and the girl broke up. that he broke up with her because they just weren't happy anymore. that he didn't enjoy spending time with her. i didn't understand why he was telling all of this to ME. but i held him, hugged him and talked to him about it. i think he needed a girl he could talk to. he couldn't exactly cry with his friends, could he. we went out that day. we talked. and i can perfectly tell, that on that day we became friends. friends. really. i understood we couldn't be anything on this occasion and he didn't want to and the beauty was, that i didn't want to either. it just happens. you can hardly ever tell the exact day when some people become friends. i know the day though.
third try
we are classmates, right. we were really friends. i didn't feel anything else and he didn't either. from September to like December. in December, i think, he kind of started fliritng with me. i remember that once, there was no place to sit on the hall, the chairs were all full, so he said i may sit on him, i sat on his knees and he said, 'no, you have to sit higher'. so i sat on his thighs. but he grabbed my hips and made me sit on his lap. that was not a friend-lap-sitting. that was flirting. i think it was this moment i realized, that i'd like something more than being friends. when we talked about this recently, he said it was this moment, when he realized, he wanted more. so, after this moment we were a bit different. we talked differently, my friends noticed and started asking me about it. i didn't ever tell my friends i felt something 'til the moment it was happening. okay. in class we had this 'christmas day' when we give presentsto each other, sing songs and whatever. i had a christmas cap and he took it and was blackmailing me. he said, he'll give it to me for a kiss. a kiss? really? seriously? i didn't. i just took the cap. on New year's eve around midnight, he texted me: I LIKE YOU. and i didn't know whether it was a friend I LIKE YOU or more than a friend-like I LIKE YOU. well, i thought it was not a friend I LIKE YOU, though. i texted back I LIKE YOU TOO. it was 9th January and i said i had nothing to do, whether he wants to go out, like go out, normal thing friends do. we did and it ended up with us kissing. after that on 30th January, we slept together. i lost my virginity to him. we knew each other for 4 years and we were always attractted to each other. it was one of my best decisions ever.
sex
oh, man. it was like we were one. i'll start from the beggining. it was our like third date and it was cold outside and i said that we may go to our place. i didn't think of it that way. it was just freezing cold. he said: 'so,sex?' and i took it as a joke you know, but then he started to take off my clothes and, you know, i lost it. it was beautiful. i did love him then, he didn't love me then, but whatever. i don't regret it. we were like one, though. we knew what the other one would like and it was wonderful. whatever you say, whatever someone says. it was beautiful. so i don't care.
on
then, everything went quite well, but i couldn't still say we were dating, even though we slept together. i wasn't exactly happy. the relationship was kind of one-sided. but i was telling myself that something is better than nothing. one day i told him it felt like he didn't really care about me. since then, we both felt the inevitable end. we felt it coming closer and closer even though we didn't talk about it. i can tell you even the day. it was 10th of April. we went out as we did every Friday. we sat on a pier. that day we didn't really held or kissed each other, because it would be totally fake. well, he said it. do you know what he said? he said he doesn't want a seroius relationship. he took my virginity and he told me this, oh my god, it hurt. he even asked me if i wanted the same. i said, with tears in my eyes, silent 'no'. we sat there for a while in silent. then, he said, that when the pain passes we can be friends again. he meant it. i know he did. but i knew i couldn't. i didn't want to be friends with him again. ever. well.. so, i just nodded to everything he said, i don't even remember the stuff he said, i just remember that he was talking for a long time.. or it only felt like it. we stood up then and ...god i cry only writing about it... and we were just looking into each others eyes, i was crying really hard. he said, 'last kiss?' even though it was bad, this was the only thing i needed. i did need to kiss him, knowing it was the last time. so we kissed for a really long time and i remember i was trying to drag myself back, but he was still holding me close. he hugged me tight and i was crying on his shoulder, he was crying too. than we held hands. and then we parted, without a word. he left as i watched him, i was shaking as i cried. the pain was eating me from inside. than, i didn't go home, no. i stayed in a forest, i sat on a ground, put earphones in my ears and played this one song (Ben Howard - Promise) for like an hour again and again. i was sitting on leaves in the forest listening to this song and crying really hard, i tried to stand up a few times, but i just couldn't, i wanted to die there. if someone asked me then to mark the pain from 1 - 10, i'd stay a million. after all the flashbacks of our relationship weren't that on my mind and when i could normally breathe, i wiped my eyes and called my friend Annie. she's my best friend. i have more best friends, but she was the one i wanted to see first. she doesn't judge and she's the kind of friend that lets you talk and just listens and when you're done, she hugs you and tells you that it'll be alright. when i asked if we could hung out, she knew something happened and came - with another friend of ours though - Christine. she's exactly the friend i wanted to see later, not when i needed a hug. she tells you your opinion immediatly. i didn't needed that.. but, i cried a lot with them and.. just took it.
bad time
i was pretty asocial then. of course, he was also in my class, so i saw a lot of him.. when i looked at him for the first time on Monday, i had to ask my teacher to go to the bathroom, because i would cry otherwise in the class. i cried in front of the mirror. i don't know when was the first time we looked at each other at the same time, but we both looked immediatly away. that hurt a lot. a lot. god a lot. i started to smoke a lot too. on the day we broke up, Christine asked me whether i wanted a cigarette, i did. my friends smoke, but i didn't, i didn't enjoy it. but when she offered me one, the day i bought a packet. i started to smoke a lot. i smoked alone even. mostly alone. in the afternoon after school, i told my friends i'm going home, but i went to sit on a bench next to a river and i listened to sad songs, cried and smoke cigarettes. no one knows that. it was really bad. i also bought black sweatshirt and sneakers. like The Smiths sang in the song Unlovable : i wear black on the outside 'cause black is how i feel on the inside. jesus it hurt. my friends were worried. i didn't laugh, i didn't smile. the whole day i was just sleeping on the desk listening to music. there was countless moment when i had to leave in the middle of the class to 'go to the toilet' but instead i cried on the hallways. i noticed he wasn't happy either. but we were trying to avoid each other so i can't really tell.. but this one Monday - 27th of April, it happened.
poem
we were at school, right. and there was this moment when Annie took me outside the class to ask whether i was sad because of him. of course i was, but i said: 'I'm okay. ' and when she was telling me that i was not okay and all, thie girl from our class came to me and said, that he wants to talk to me, whether i could go to him. i said: 'Me? why?' and she responded like: 'Just go to him, please, he wants to tell you something.' i looked at Annie with please-help-me-im-so-scared look and she looked at me with what-is-happening look. i went and he said he wanted to show me something. we went to a lonesome hall. i started to shake as never. my knees were trembling as never, there were tears in my eyes and my eyebrows were raised to the position of don't-hurt-me-no-more-i've-had-enough. he took out a folded paper from his jean pocket and said that he wrote me a poem and i silently sighted. he started to read it. conclusion? he realized he has never made a bigger mistake in his life and that he wants me terribly back. it ended with a line : 'will you give me another chance?' i didn't know what to say so i said that i want to cry and that i've never been trembling like this. we were there silently. he asked if we could go out, i said sure. we said we'd go out on thursday. i was so scared. on Monday evening, he texted me. we chatted.. not normally, but we did.. the next day, on Wednesday i texted him by a mistake. i was doing the thing when you write something and then you delete it and i sent it by a mistake. i almost killed myself. i texted : 'How can something hurt this much', but i deleted a half, so i sent : 'How can something h' and immediatly sent 'Sorry' he texted two minutes after : 'Okay?' ME: 'I don't know how that happened' HIM: 'Me neither.. what were you trying to say?' ME: 'How can something hurt this much' HIM: 'What hurts you?' ME: 'The fact, that you're not with me' HIM: 'We have to change it than!' ME: 'That's not gonna be easy' HIM: 'That doesn't matter' Me: 'Okay' HIM: 'Okay' and than we chatted for a long time.. it was so hurting and painful.. i was so stressed out about thursday. i was sure, i'd take him back, but still.. i couldn't not take him back. i knew he wouldn't do it again. i knew he wouldn't act unless he was completely sure. he really realized that he loved me. guys are pricks.
dreaded thursday
in school we weren't talking. we were always meeting in front of our house, so when i came down, he was already standing there with roses. roooooseeeees. ROSES. REEED ROOOSEEEESS. in that moment i wanted to hug him and kiss his face. god. he said we'd go to the river. so we went and we sat near the river. i said i was scared that he'd do it again. he said that he realized what he did and that he'd never do it again. he promiseeeed. he made me promise that i'd never do it either. i did. of course i was a bit surprised, but i didn't wan to say anything. while i was talking he said: 'okay,that's enough' and kissed me. i missed him. i missed him kissing me, i missed holding him. god. i missed him whole. while he held me close, he whispered: 'I love you' in my ear. i said i love you too. we were talking a lot then, we had a lot to catch up. he then went, holding hands, god i missed him and we went to his place. i was there for the first time. he ended up almost naked on his bed. i said i didn't want to go all the way. that it's too early, so we were half naked. it innocent and beautiful, i missed him so much. i love him.. that day i came home at 9 i think, or something. i noticed he was treating me different and my friends also noticed, he truly realized. i fell for him hard.
fourth try
so, we started being happy in the relationship on 30th of April. and i think it's gonna last for a long time. i don't know if it is gonna last like forever, but for a long time definitely. we haven't had a fight. we are happy, we love each other. that's all that matters.