I am God's Work in Progress

I grew up believing I had a close relationship with God, Our Father. But I knew nothing of the real salvation, and Jesus our Saviour. Yes, I knew Jesus, but I didn’t have a personal relationship with Him. I thought is doesn’t matter having a relationship with Him as long as I perform a religion for Him. Attending church masses one hour every week and counting good deeds are my obligations and my ticket to heaven. I go to church to satisfy my religious conscience.

So you see, God became nothing more than an intellectual exercise. I became like a student in a subject called “religion”. And the Law given to Moses a.k.a. the 10 Commandments are like part of an examination. This made my image of God as “hard to please”.

TRYING TO FIT IN.

I desperately tried to fit in by doing good works, being part of organizations who helps people, attending religious activities, and the likes. But I always end up coming up short.

I had been hell-bent to win everyone’s approval and deep down inside I had to please God above all. But my efforts were all for naught because I have a totally shaded view of God. And I realized that I was very hard on myself toeing the line of religiosity and the world around me.

Something was missing in my life. There is an aching hollowness that I just could not fill. I believe that gave me the permission to be curious in finding meaning and purpose for my life.

FALSE IDENTITIES.

I never thought finding my purpose will be hard. Along the way, I had to ask myself who I really am. And I latched onto some false identities about myself which limited my growth as a person. First, I identified myself with the kind of family I have.

I grew up not having a very good “father-figure”. My father is an Engineer who always worked far from us, his family. I do not have much of memories with my father being home and spending so much time with us. But he always portrayed the role of a “good provider”. But things changed. And my life began to change drastically.

DISTORTED SENSE OF SELF WORTH.

Ever since childhood, I had a completely distorted sense of self-worth brought about the sexual abuses harboured upon me by the people close to me. I started to have a vague understanding of the word “family”. I never thought that they will inflict so much pain in me.

For years I hid behind a fragile shell, disguising the shame of abuse. Every day seem like hell because I felt like tormented and I was reluctant to seek help from anyone.

SEEKING APPROVAL.

I have endured so much rejection and abuse so I seek for salvation. I searched for love and approval from other people to fill the emptiness deep inside me.

On and on, I went looking for security and approval. I lost sight of where my heart was. Love is something I looked for from other human beings and never though in my mind that the only one that can love me as I desired to be loved is God.

I almost mastered the art of telling people what they wanted to hear and being someone they would find impressive—all the while worrying incessantly about what others thought of me, fearing criticism, and holding myself back as a result.

I gained different types of friends: School achievers, Geeks, religious people, those who love the limelight, alcoholics, etc. We share the same rejections and being with them perpetuates the denial of my emptiness.

In some ways, I tried to be rebellious to cover up the pain. I explored the good and the bad with the same enthusiasm. Yet, I was never that bad of a person, at least to my own judgment. I didn't drink too much nor party like a wild animal. I smoked, stole things and shoplifted out of curiosity. I skipped classes, cheated on exams, talked behind people’s back, cursed and trash-talked, and I don’t care who I really hurt. I also remembered having a “sort of an illicit affair” with a lesbian and also with my College professor. I thought it was normal. A part-of-life- thing that we have to really face. As a matter of fact, a lot of people do it. We set up our own standards of right and wrong.

Yet, the more I experienced the world the more I was disappointed that I got too sick and fed up of it. I was passing my teenage years when I had to face these struggles. I ended up feeling empty and insecure. The more I tried to win other people’s approval, the more I kill my freedom to be myself.

REJECTED.

While I was struggling to find my true self, my feeling of loneliness reached its height when my parents separated last 2005. It feels like my dreams were shattered. I had mixed emotions. I was somehow relieved because I felt like being freed from the shadow of my father. I had a false hope of safety from the pains that I thought would end. Yet I felt sad for my siblings who would long for him.

So I guess, it was the end of my mother’s marriage. Since then I and my 3 siblings grew up with one parent. We lived a fatherless home. My mother took care of us alone without anyone’s help. I don’t remember missing a father figure (my own earthly Father) until the time I shifted gears and started to see some light, maybe because my mother provided all my wants and needs. But I always missed something in my life.

Losing our father is a huge test of faith for our family. We had to stay close and help one another to cope with the situation. This was the moment when I had to turn to God for help. I prayed and prayed, which I usually do during crisis. But I never saw Him in the light of having a close relationship with Him.

WANTING TO BE LOVED.

In spite of my reluctance to turn to God for my purpose, God remained faithful to me in every step of the way. I always knew He has a purpose for my life but I do not know the way.

I was then 16 years old, tried to move on with my life, joined religious organizations, attended church, graduated high school belonging to the top class, worked part-time jobs, planned to attend college but was feeling unhappy.

Many years of “more discovery” followed as I mature in age.

Next to my search for purpose is finding someone to love. I thought entering into a relationship would somehow make me happy and secured. My best friend (high school) became my first boyfriend. He was my first love. But because our relationship was built on the cornerstone of physical attraction, we went through ups and downs. It was not really about him but all about me. He was so good to me and he respected me as a woman but all along I realized I never truly trusted him with my feelings. Being my best friend, he knew how I feel towards everything. But he never truly knew what was going on inside me fearing that he would also reject me because of my shameful past. The kind of love I wanted to get out of my relationship with him was overshadowed by the painful memories from my childhood to teen years. I never gave him a chance to really prove himself to me. We broke up not because he was bad or he cheated on me but because I felt, at the moment, that he was too good for me. Unconsciously, I think, I do not deserve to be loved because I was unworthy.

A TASTE OF WORLDLY SUCCESS.

After failing to earn love and security in relationships, I turned to the business world with the same level of enthusiasm. I quickly earned the admiration of my company and celebrated my first year of success being promoted as a Supervisor.

I was earning much, yet still suffered from an aching void within. I suddenly knew that there has to be more to life than just making money and pursuing a career. Material possessions or any of these pursuits would not satisfy me for any length of time. Nothing could make me feel complete. I did not understand at the time that my life needed "eternal purpose."

I always accredit any amount of success and hard work to my own effort and wisdom even though I have always prayed to God to make me successful. And so that feeling of success and accomplishment faded quickly. With much desire to earn a living, I lose my life. I spend most of my time at work (and that means staying up late). I really enjoyed the adrenaline kick of having something accomplished ahead of time. It was very satisfying. But eventually, I started to feel really tired, stressed and burned out.

I really thought I had achieved my purpose – after all, I am beginning to reach my dreams, climb the ladder of success and meet my family and personal needs. But all along, I had no real purpose for living. But true to form, I found excuses for everything.

DAMASCUS EXPERIENCE.

It was year 2009 which became the turning point of my being where in the midst of my struggles and disappointments I had nowhere else to run to but God.

I finally gave up running my own life. I know in my heart I was sincere when I asked God for help. I have no one else to talk to because my family is physically away from me and I know they will never truly understand what was going on with me. I was literally alone and lonely.

This epiphany didn't boil down on me until much later when I could truly understand what God had been teaching me all along.

One night I prayed to God. I wasn’t really praying. I was sobbing. I have always wanted answers to my questions but I never dared asked God about it in my prayers. All I learned to do is ask for miracles to happen and for Him to deliver me out my misery.

Why is there so much pain and hardship in the world? Why am I alive? Why can’t I be truly happy? These were, I remembered, some of my questions to Him. I sobbed myself to sleep. I did not get a response from God that night but I was somehow relieved.

And then one day…

My niece gave me her Bible. She said it’s already mine to keep since she bought a new one. It was my first Bible. I never owned one before. And I wasn’t fond of reading Bible verses. I started to draw inspirations from the Scripture but I admit that I do not fully understand them. They are very profound.

I realized that, indeed, God moves in mysterious ways. And it is true that He will use people as His instruments to show and demonstrate His love for us. I least expected that it would be my niece.

I turned to God in an effort to discover a sense of meaning. And reading the Bible opened a doorway to a new life.

Looking at my diary for reference, it was Psalms 46:10 that first struck me. "Be still and know that I am God!" I don’t know how everything happened, but what I could remember mostly is the feeling of joy and comfort. And every day I feel excited for what God has in store for me.

October 2009. We had a new office mate. He was a typical kind of guy. Actually, he was too shy and if it weren’t for work, I believe he wouldn’t approach me. I could not explain it but there was something in him that piqued my curiosity.

It started one day when he saw me reading Bible in my desk. He suddenly asked me if I really understand what I was reading. I felt somehow, insulted but deep down inside it really made sense.

At first, I find him really weird but we became good friends and I started to see good qualities in him. I have met only a few people who immediately give me the feeling that they are full of love and satisfaction. I know it is the kind of love that transcends the boundaries of human love which overflowed through him. I know it was God working in him.

As time goes by, I became eager to know and find out the real reason of his happiness and love. And then he shared Jesus to me. He didn’t explain much but he encouraged me to continue reading the Bible and the God has an amazing plan for me.

December 2009. He invited me to attend their simple gathering in their Church. It was their Christmas Party. I was hesitant at first especially when I learned that He was a Christian. He encouraged me to trust God and just open my heart. I ended up saying yes.

It was during that time when I heard about the Gospel. I felt blessed hearing a powerful message which is very different from that of the pulpits to which I was accustomed to. Right at that very moment I accepted Jesus as my personal Lord and Saviour. My body is now the temple of His Holy Spirit. I was indeed one of the most memorable events of my life. I admit I did not fully understand what was happening to me but I knew that it was having a positive effect on my life. I felt better since that day.

I’ve undergone series of Bible studies. The more I learned, the more I became amazed. On May 2010, I know there was no turning back. I finally decided to surrender my life to His lordship.

I now saw that I had a purpose, a meaning and a worth. I saw that God only works for good. That His love is so great and it would give me hope. I also know his love would fill my longing for a father’s love.

This is me today, all by the grace of God. When everything was at a standstill, Jesus found me. He was and is patiently at work in me the whole 28 years of my life. The old me has gone and a new has come. I have witnessed powerful miracles as well as painful trials which are part of the testing of my faith as a Christian.

But I always thank God that He finds me worthy of my walk with Him, even though I still do wrong. God is faithful. He has called me & has chosen me for a great work and He is bringing it to pass by blessing me along with my family.

Now, I am confident to say that I am God’s work in progress.