7 a.m in the morning. My roommate has left. Silence and dim light. Waking up from a tiring day, I checked my phone as usual. The messenger was inundated with notifications of work. 'Like any normal day' - I said. Then one message came that hit me so hard I was still dizzying the moment I am writing this story. 'T will come back in August'.
T is my ex - the one whom I love, they say, to the moon and back. I have never loved anyone this much. The love that I assuredly told myself would only end were one of us to die. I guess you know the movie Up. It's the love that I was confident would be like that of Carl and Ellie. The love that would last for eternity, come what may. The love that I made all sacrifices for. But true, we have never met each other for once. It was a long distance relationship. On the other half of the Earth lived my love. Vietnam and Canada.
He would tell me it was worth the wait, that though we could not meet, our souls were connected. I believed. Until one day.
After the joyous Tet holiday, he suddenly, out of the blue, said we should break up. The world collapsed. Death was the only thing I could think of. Things were easy for him. Single-handedly, he set himself free from his own sufferings, without telling me what was troubling him. He took the easy way out, leaving me live the hard way in.
To protect itself, my brain used the brilliant function of disassociation. It is when the brain shuts down and goes blank. And your sufferings somehow become distant and like someone else's, not yours at all. Day in day out, my brain and my heart would have conversations.
- Why am I hurt, brain?
- You used to love a person.
- Really, who is that?
- Someone I don't remember.
- Why do you forget someone you love, brain?
- Because he broke his promises and abandoned you. Abandoned us.
- I guess he is not a good man then.
Every time I came across the portrait that I drew for his birthday, the undeliverable gift, I saw the words 'For my love'. My brain would ask 'Hmm? Who is this? My love?' - I became totally detached from my excruciating pain.
My heart used different tactics. It found someone new to fall in love with. It actually did. Someone very composed. But as night falls, it told me 'You're just trying to fill in the void, the big hole someone left'. It didn't work.
He once told me he would come back in April. One month from now. One way or another, I knew I need to meet him once in order to move on. I was waiting for the day to come.
Then the message came. 'T will come back in August'. It was from his best friend. All my disassociation broke into pieces. I couldn't meet him. Brutally, it will be when I have to leave Vietnam for my tertiary education in the Netherlands. A stream of tears began to flow from my emotionless face.
Why are some people not destined to meet each other? Why didn't I meet him earlier when he was still in Vietnam? Why would people meet him so easily, when I, the one who wants to meet him most, resigned in tears and hopelessness. In Vietnamese, we have one phrase for this: 'nghiệt duyên', which means 'harsh yuanfen'.
I can never meet you - my love.