I don’t know

I wonder if i am turning into an alcoholic

I wonder if anger is the only way to get me calm

I wonder if alcohol is the only way to let off the steam

I dont know

I am clueless

I was supposed to be doing something today

But i am back to alcohol

I wonder if healing stones do exist

I have a maid cooking in the kitchen and here i am, in my hall on my 2nd glass of wine, crying, dripping tears down my face very silently, wiping my nose silently in towel,

And silently hoping that she leaves the house without turning,

I hate questions, or may be i dont, i dont know,

And what am I crying about,

For a friend i fought with,

Or the one who is just passive,

Or the one i fought intentionally becoz i was feeling so choked up,

I dont know what it is,

I feel so confused,

Its difficult to type when your mind is thinking at a faster pace,

The cook hasn’t left yet,

When will she leave,

I dont know if i am sad or not,

But there is this image,

Of me slashing my wrist,

Not perpendicular to my wriste bone, but horizontal to it,

Just along my wrist,

Moving from end of my palm towards my elbow,

I dont have a sad while doing it,

Just an intrigued feeling,

How will it feel, the first sight of crimson,

The first tinge of pain,

But its addictive, you know painful but addictive,

She is gone, so i can cry freely, with some noise,

Its a chilhood memory, i used to peel my lips skin with my teeth,

It used to pain of course,

But i kind of liked it,

The pain, and later the metallic taste of blood,

I am not suicidal,

I dont want to die,

I cant die,

I have people to look after, people i have promised to take care of them,

I haven’t exactly promised them, but myself, that i ll be there for them, will take a loan for the home i want my mumma to have,

Its strange actually,

I am almost drunk(soongh ke chadh jaati hai), i am crying, and one word that i want to keep repeating is Maa Maa,

What is it,

Kuch kuch hota hai in 2020,

Touchwood,

God forbid something happens to her,

Touchwood,

She is usually my vent off spot you know,

I have so many thoughts right now,

And i am so thankful for the autocorrect right now,

I have lost the time of numbers i have used the word “I” in this article,

I am so obsessed with myself that i forgot to remind him to keep a jacket or a sweater,

Though he doesn’t have a sweater, all his jackets are here, and his suit as well,

I dont talk to people on call,

For a proper conversation,

I am just not comfortable with it,

Especially for a proper conversation,

Coz i tend to forget what i said earlier,

I thought i had just a 100 brains, but today I really doubt myself,

I might have 100 hearts as well, who keep leaping from one thing to another,

I know everybody is like that,

I know the world doesn’t revolve around me,

I know not everything is about me,

But still I used so many “I” in it,

And i am still confused about 3 days, could i have used them for something else, though i strictly believe new year eve is just a date,

Could i have used it to go home which i miss soo much,

I dont know,

I dont know,

I dont even remember the password of that app,

I dont even remember the name of the app,

Ohh!! Or rather i do,

It was lanchora,

I better download it before i forget again,

Fuck i don’t even remember the id with which I logged in,

Well.....I didn’t have to be this dramatic,

Coz i now remember,

U know i still remember the way i used to be scolded by vicky n papa, cos I didn’t have patience to read till the end, and thats y I always used to solve the questions starting from last question,

I dont know what else to write about,

May b m just thankful that i had this wine and i pray i do not turn into an alcoholic