More often than not, I'll feel this awkward sensation in my throat, like a ball stucked in my mouth, uncomfortably trying to escape in between my lips. I sealed them tighter against each other as something I cannot put my hands in... inpatiently, almost aggressively, tries to push through, hurting a little as I held back a scream.
These are the few moments of sudden irritation. Of sudden episodes of me wanting to cut myself, see how much I could bleed.
These are the time, out of nowhere, I wanted to slap my face, hard and strong. Just so I can feel something whenever things feel so wrong. There will be feelings, as if punches landing on my chest. Like hard rocks falling from the sky, mocking my frail body and mind.
You see, I'll feel ill all of the sudden and people seems to not understand that these emotions are not in my control, they always run out of hand. I struggle everyday to see that they keep still and untouched but when triggers come flying from all directions, these demons won't go away.
I've always stay mum and never talked it out. Feeling that they'll be creeping through my words and people will find out. That I'm no strong girl, nor brave or smart. That behind the okays and small nod, I just wanted to tear apart.
That I wanted to bury my head under my pillow and just disappear at night. And when the sun is rising over the horizon, I'm still trying to fall asleep for the low voices next my ear won't stop from bothering all night.
My hand wont stop fidgeting, won't stop trembling from the urge, until blood started falling from the wound I never realised was gaping at me. Like an angry face of mockery. A reminder that I succumbed to their urges, to the words they kept saying. That my mind is a bomb, always in danger of exploding.
So I try to write them in words, just to put them in tangible form so when they come back and hunt me, I can just burn them all.
But who am I fooling, thinking they'll walk away just like that since as I continue writing, I can still feel my throat burning , itching to be cut.