2:21 A.M
As a young girl, I dreamt to be the person who everyone around me can be proud of. A nurse, a doctor and someone who hold so much degree around her neck with gold medals and flowers. You see, as a little girl, I grew wanting to be on the top. I’m an introvert, never wanting to leave the comfort of home but I guess that's one of the initial driving force why I wanted to lead. I always had this small voice behind my ears saying that I need to be that someone... I can be that someone... I want to be that someone. In the end, the voices never left and all I got was the urge, the desire to be somebody else.
I hold my voice beneath my throat most of the time.
I try to not complain when I can still bear the situation. I consider that as a good point about me but when it comes to thoughts and all the dark secrets I tend to keep in, it's painful.
As you can tell, I would rather tolerate than complain that is why when I found myself wanting to something that is completely opposite of what they wanted for me, I hesitated. It was a long cold night of thinking, weighing all the pros and cons. All the possibility and all the positive and negative outcome of the choices I would make… not to me, but to them. In the end, the rebel that is silently lurking inside me won. I choose the path I wanted and told myself that I had enough of dreaming the dreams other put above my bedroom.
Years pass and all the doubts were realized and all the challenged was overcame. In a long time, I walked the pavement my passion had created but the road was never clear of bump and humps. They come every now and then but in the end, I realized that when you seek and set a goal to be a person you wanted to be, things tend to be a lot tolerable and as you know, I’m more than pleased to tolerate.
Then, things started to unfold smoothly, as planned if I can say. I got a job after graduation, something that has a great relation to the passion that has a great relevance to my life. I’m finally, slowly becoming the adult I dream of but I was too lost in the moment
I forgot that happiness is everything but permanent.
I lost track of the reality that there is more to come when the sun is up. Rain? Typhoon? Even worst, a storm hiding and lurking behind the clouds.
I never expected to decide something that is completely out of my vision. The future always scares me but this is nothing I was looking forward to. All are serious, everything matters. One wrong move and you're out.
When I fulfilled a part of the dream I had, I promised myself to continue and find the way I was meant to be but, of course, life, as playful and twisted as fate will continue to throw drop points, detours and sometimes, when they feel like making an insane person out of you… the double trouble will build a dead end.
I was caught and everything stopped.
After months of steady, rapid but continuous growth… I was lost in my tracks. My limbs stop moving and there, at that moment I found myself facing a wall I thought I could never overcome.
They say that I have it in me. They told me to give it a try and see. All of the support, all the cheers are echoing and from the outside point of view it might look like a good thing but trust me when you stand from where I am now all I can see is expectations.
Expectations.
Something I can never stand. I never liked the feeling of carrying someone’s emotions, trust and so much more on my shoulders. It takes too much space I don’t have anywhere to put my own worries in. Expectations usually mean I have to do my best, not for myself but for others and that sucks, to be honest. You can judge me but hey, it can be too much once in a while. I actually do not mind the fact that I need to make them proud. I want them to be all proud but not with something they just dressed me with. I want to show them I can be myself and still shine.
But… despite all the complaints and bad mouthing I can attempt, the people pleaser inside of me will always prevail. The insecurities that are long hidden behind my chest slowly grows and in no time, without me noticing it, it already sprouted out to my mind.
The thing is, I wanted to be somebody.
I wanted to be someone who had undergone hardship and all the challenges life and fate throws and still stand up and say I made it.
You can say its greed, or want but for someone who only has my passion with me to brag in the crowd of people who hold degrees, medals, accomplishments, and fireworks… my principles and belief can only sparkle enough.
Its too bright and I can never shine unless I wear someone else's dress.
It does not need to suit me, all it needs is to sparkle, glitter enough to at least go with the light everyone is emitting. Yes, it's nonsense, selfish or even stupid but can you blame me? As a young girl, I wanted to be somebody and I know, if I clutched and continue to hold on to nothing but my passion, I can never be that someone.
It's a hard life and everyone has their own struggles to deal with. I know what I’m dealing now can be nothing if compared to what others are trying to overcome.
I might be a whiny lost millennial now but still, someday I want to live the life I always wanted. It does not need to be luxurious or extravagant. I have a humble vision of the future I want to be in and sometimes when I struggle with the shoes they gave me, I try and grabbed the pair that truly fits me and walk around my room, close my eyes and imagine.
Every time that moment comes, I start dreaming… not any people’s dream but my own dream.
In the few seconds, I try to envelop myself to a bubble of everything that is created by me. I always remind myself to never stop dreaming because to be honest, sometimes it can be the only way to keep me sane when the world becomes too twisted.
I want to be somebody.
In the end, I come back to the child I once was. We have these small detailed images of what we wanted to be and in my case, I had created one before and now, I’m trying to create another one. It's hard, and to be honest I’m on the verge of crumbling down but for the sake of the vision, I’ll try and do my best because, in the end of the day, that's the only way I can become that somebody.