Sometimes I wonder what could be. What could be of us if we had spoken. If we could've had a sit down to talk about me. Yes, just me.
Talk about me and how I feel for you. It's not deep, not really. Just enough to keep me lost in thoughts at random times during the day. Just enough to make me question myself.
Talk about how hard I find it to fight back the blush that's creeping up my cheeks from when you glance my way too.
Talk about how I think you're simply amazing and full of life despite the darkness in your eyes and the weight of the bags under it. The way you continue to smile, laugh and show people the sun will always come back to shine after every sleepless night.
I wonder what could be of me if I had the chance to tell you I didn't need to look up to see the sun. It amazes me how I'm not blind yet from looking at it everyday.
I never thought I'd learn to appreciate round cheeks and crooked teeth.
I never saw myself as one to stare. I just can't help it. I can't help but be mesmerized by your beauty. Never mind if they don't see it. I do.
I see how you love and care for everyone.
I see how you keep your cool and stay patient even in situations where I'd probably be screaming and shaming others.
I see your kindness and I'm drawn closer. I want to be influenced. You make me want to be a better person.
I look at the sun furrowing her brows when she finds something confusing. I look at the sun playing with a few strands of her hair as she's surrounded by stars…
— stars, like me, who can't help but be drawn to her shimmering rays.
I've always found comfort in the darkness' embrace.
I never thought I'd come to love bright things, not until you.
Sometimes I wonder what could be. What could be of us if we had spoken. If we could've had a sit down to talk about us. Yes, us. Do you think we could've made it?
"Kara?", a voice brought me back to my senses. It was Charlotte's.
I was standing in front of all her guests, staring at the speech I prepared last night. But I couldn't bring myself to read it. I couldn't bring the microphone up in front of my mouth, and start reading it out loud for everyone to hear. I couldn't have everyone hear it, because it wasn't me. At least not to them.
To them, I was Kara - Charlotte's best friend since high school.
Kara who knew all of Charlotte's deepest and darkest secrets.
Kara who ran errands for Charlotte when Charlotte was sick.
Kara who buys Charlotte random things that reminds her of Charlotte.
Kara who listens to Charlotte no matter how insensible she gets.
Kara - Charlotte's other half. That was, until Jonas of course.
Jonas is the best. I wouldn't have chosen any other guy for Charlotte. He was sweet and caring. He'd buy Charlotte's cravings when she's pms-ing no matter how crazy they get. He asks me for advice when Charlotte's mood is off or when they get into a fight. He loves her and I can see how much he tries to understand her. He's crazy about her - and her about him.
I'm happy for them. I'm happy for Charlotte. I'm happy that she has finally found that guy. That guy we used to talk about in high school - mature, responsible, loving. I'm happy that she's settling.
I just couldn't let her know how painful everything was for me - how much I'm trying to keep myself composed in front of all these people and say,
"Charlotte, I've been with you since day one, and I plan on staying for the rest of your days... with Jonas. I will value him as much as I value you and our friendship. I wish you both a happy marriage and may you cherish each other for life. Cheers!"
Altogether, the guests raised their glasses to the bride and groom.
I went off the stage and back to my seat. I looked over to where Charlotte was seated and saw her smiling. And in that moment, my heart broke. In the summer heat, in this beautiful garden with the sun shining bright, my heart was as cold as ice. And then I started thinking …
If only I was brave enough. If only I had enough confidence in myself. If only I had the guts to tell you and everyone else in this fancy reception, that I am in love with you.
Yes. I'm a girl, as well as you. People would initially want to know why, how.
I don't know.
I don't know why or how I've come to like a girl. And I don't care. Never mind what society would label me as - bisexual or lesbian. I couldn't care less about what other people would think. I've had enough of living a life based on what is acceptable to society.
I don’t know and i don’t need to know what Im called or what explanation there is to what I’m feeling. All I know is that I love you and I care for you and I will continue to do so for as long as I feel it's right.
And right now, I feel it's right to love you silently from afar.
I feel it's right to give others the privilege of loving you, having you in their life, and being loved by you.
I feel it's right to turn this ache into happiness - for you have found yours.