When You Break Your Own Heart

     Have you ever looked in the mirror and saw a stranger? A stranger who looks exactly like you that it's terrifying to look at her for even just a second longer? A stranger who looks straight back into your eyes and sends chills down your whole body.

     Have you ever looked in the mirror and saw yourself? A self you love and are proud of no matter what? The self you adore so much you wouldn't mind looking at her all day. The self who looks straight back into your eyes and makes you feel happy and content.

     It would be great to wake up, look in the mirror and see myself instead of that stranger everyday. I wonder how it would feel like to see someone who's brave and confident in her own skin. Is that too much to ask for?

     The answer is probably no. The answer should be no. And yet every time I ask myself that question I always end up saying yes. I always end up saying yes because I’ve always felt that I am too much. I am too much for anyone. I am too much for myself to handle.

     Everyday, I wake up, look in the mirror and see the stranger. With each and every day that passes the stranger gains way too much weight and is becoming way too big and wide to even fit the mirror. I see the stranger with her eyes and nose that are way too big and hair too dry. She way too much acne and her arms are too flabby. And as if her legs aren’t ugly enough with its crookedness, it’s got way too much cellulite. Don’t even get me started with her stomach. It’s too big you’d think she’s pregnant.

     The thing is, the stranger’s not that much of a stranger. I just pretend I don’t know her because I feel like it would be the end of myself. I feel like it would be the end of myself because she is who I’ve become. The stranger is me. I am the stranger.

     I have become a completely different person because my heart was broken. It was crushed. And I’m the one who crushed it. I broke my heart.

     I broke my heart the moment I tuned myself out and listened to others instead. I listened to them tell me that I was either too much or not good enough.

     I broke my heart the moment I believed that I couldn’t do it.

     I broke my heart the moment I gave up and gave in, trying too hard to fit into society’s standards and meet expectations.

     I broke my heart the moment I allowed them to manipulate me, making me think it was for my own good when in fact, it was for their own benefit. They smiled sweetly at me, made me laugh, offered advice, and influenced me to change my perspective and lose my ground only so they could easily push me over to the edge and not worry about me even trying to climb back up because I’ve become too weak.

     I broke my heart the moment I accepted defeat and did absolutely nothing about it.

     I broke my heart the moment I settled with playing pretense with the stranger instead of fighting to wake up one day, look in the mirror and finally see myself.

     I broke my heart even more when I realized how none of it was their fault. I couldn’t blame them. I couldn’t blame society. It was all on me.

     I broke my own heart.

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Hey guys! How have you all been?

I’ve been away for quite a while. It’s been about eighteen months since the last time I published something but I do hope you haven’t forgotten about me and my works yet.

This piece is more than just a comeback. It’s a piece that’s inspired from my experiences and realizations in the past eighteen months that I’ve been MIA and I’d like to share it with you guys. The subject is a little sensitive but I do hope you all take away the most important message I intend to send:

While for some it may not be such a hard thing to do, there are those who truly struggle to find the strength and courage to love themselves a hundred percent. But we shouldn’t give up. We need to try. Yes, it will be hard and it will be painful, but in the end—trust me—it will all be worth it.

The past eighteen months were probably the most challenging eighteen months of my life and it’s so refreshing to finally be able to come back to writing because writing has always been my safe haven.

So here’s to writing. To healing. To you. To us. ♥