I'll Still Be The Girl

Dear You,

These past few months have been nothing but wonderful. You were perfect in every way that mattered, so much so that these butterflies in my stomach just won't settle down. Suddenly, you've become a voice that I needed to hear from everyday. You've turned into a constant dweller in the hidden corners of my mind. You've slipped through my defenses despite the tall walls I've put up. You've become something in my life that I refuse to name because doing so would make this fuzzy warmth all too real. 

And guess what? I hate it. I hate whatever this is, and all that it's doing to me. I hate that a single look can send my heart to overdrive; that a tentative touch can knot my insides like a complicated pretzel; that something as simple as reading a message from you can put a goofy grin on my face within seconds. I was morphing into someone I always told myself I wouldn't be: vulnerable. What happened? How did I get here? Why does it have to be YOU of all people? All of these questions taunted me day and night, but the answers still refused to materialize. 

After years of trying to evade what most people call feelings, I finally tripped and landed face down on a pile of it. I've become number, a part of the unfortunate I want him to love me statistics. I don't want this. God knows how hard I've tried to stop this. And I know that you don't want to hear these thoughts pouring out of my mouth too, so I'll make you a promise.  You'll go on unaware, in a bubble of blissful ignorance. And me? I'm going to suck it up. I'm going to rear this unnamed thing's head, and leave you in the dark. I'll while away the time I need in order to forget everything I'm feeling. But don't you worry. I won't vanish from you life. Try as I may, I know I'm too weak to do that or to even have the courage to try. No, I'll stay. I'll still be the girl you call in the middle of the night when an interesting thought crosses your mind. I'll still be the girl you turn to when you need a good laugh. I'll still be the girl you tell all your rants to at the end of a rotten day at work. I'll still be the girl who hopes for your happiness at the expense of her own. I'll still be the girl who endures the pain of hearing story after story about the person who lit up your life. I will still be all that and more, but what I will never be is the girl who gets to keep your heart.