Then I told myself that I'll let go of pain but it keeps coming back to me like we have forever. I know forever doesn't really exist but I want to believe that we have it. I don't know if pain really loves me or I am just hopeless but it makes me smile and cry at the same time. Like I'm going crazy. But I am learning to love pain back because when it felt like I am empty already, pain is always there for me.
There is this bond. Like an uncontrollable emotions. When I am alone at night, when I feel lost and unwanted, when I am so stressed with so many things, pain reminds me of my nature. Pain makes me feel alive. Pain makes me feel that I have to survive.
Pain is my bestfriend. It's been with me since I was little. Since I was a kid. When I am growing and learning things. When I had my first heartbreak. When I learned that my crush didn't like me. When I was first rejected at work. When my mom left me. When my dad died. When I lost my heart to someone. When I learned that life wasn't easy. Pain was there for me. And still here with me. I am not alone, pain makes me feel alive.
I want to say that I love my pain. I want to say that pain is not really painful. I want to say that pain is like someone. Pain is not just a feeling. It's a companion. It's true. Pain is not just a feeling. Pain is real.
And yes I guess it's real also, that I am inlove with my pain.